ghosts

many things haunt me. mistakes i have made, sins i have committed. acts and sins committed against me. i am aware of many scars, and will ever be, though the pain from most of them has faded away.

your impression upon me is one of the few ghosts that will hurt in a good way. the beauty of your harmony will remain sharp enough to cut me for a very long time... a song i wrote but never sang.

if i ever again experience a beauty comparable to yours, i will sell all i have to buy the field in which i find it.

spotify

as i shuffle through my playlist[s], i come to the stunning realization that it feels like i'm breaking up with someone.

this is just one of the many areas of my life that you've shaped and formed... just one of the many ways you have shaped me. sharing music might be a casual thing for some, but when someone gives me an artist or even a single track that moves me, that person is leaving a permanent fingerprint on my mind and heart. it's like smell is for most people: an instant connection that can take me years into the past, to the same feeling i felt then (the same both in quality and in quantity).

so alexi murdoch, the jennys, even nickel creek (which i knew of before you, but formed a new connection with through you)-- they all draw me back to you, as i'm trying to walk away from you.

so now i am angry, because i can't even listen to my favorite music without feeling like a part of me is being ripped away.

FML

most likely this post will contain nothing productive or constructive. i just need to vent. i really hope it isn't just the lack of inhibitions due to alcohol...

i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.

my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.

well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.

but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.

"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.

"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."

translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.

i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.

i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.

that does not change what i experience on my side.

i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!

fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.

goodnight friend. i love you.

day two

the distance is killer.

i endure it by writing poetry and planning future conversations. every once in awhile i become aware that i prolly need to be processing my marriage... and so i do that for about three or four minutes. then i run from the pain by going back to my sweet daydreams.

i am too exhausted and stressed to finish this post...

i miss you. i may be foolishly, unhealthfully in love, but that doesn't negate the friendship we had, or have, or whatever. pseudo almost romance.

i'm sorry i ruined things

hatred

today sucked you-know-whats. i have about 8 distinct negative emotions all regarding you & i and it's nauseating and i hate it. it's making me question my decisions.

we need to talk.

john mayer - wheel

people have the right to fly
and will when it gets compromised
their hearts say "move along"
their minds say "guide your heart"
let's move it along
let's move it along

and airports
see it all the time
where someone's last goodbye
blends in with someone's sigh
cause someone's coming home
in hand a single rose

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and i won't be the last
no i won't be the last,
to love her

and you can't build a house of leaves
and live like it's an evergreen
it's just a season thing
it's just this thing that seasons do

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and you won't be the first
no you won't be the first
to love me

you can find me, if you ever want again
i'll be around the bend, i'll be around the bend
i'll be around, i'll be around
and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again
you just might wave hello again

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now

you can't love too much, one part of it
you can't love too much, one part of it

i believe that my life's gonna see
the love i give return to me

still crying

i really don't want to leave you.

worship

your relationship with God is important to me tonight because your worship, and your public display of it, helped me see that you will be fine without me. i always said that but my heart always convinced me to ignore it, or perhaps even to believe otherwise.

that's why i asked you months ago whether you were receiving what you needed from people. and you gave some high percentage. well, i think that number will remain largely unchanged; or if not, then it will recover quickly. you have other friends who will take care of you. you have roommates who pray for you, right there in your apartment, out loud. you have Jerad and Heather and your brother Ryan and your difficult friend Alyssa. you have your mom, sisters, and a dad who genuinely cares about you, which is a big deal. you have Pastor Cameron.

also you have crushes. and lots of superb opportunities (not all of which you have yet met) to be romantically fulfilled someday. i am starting to feel like i might actually be truly happy when that occurs. i will possibly also be crushed and pouty for a year or two; but i can be those and happy simultaneously.

fuck.

shit.

i care about you a lot. i think i will keep praying for you, unless i am convicted not to.

denouement

i love you. also i'm in love with you. also i'm extremely holistically unmistakably in love with you.

this is a huge problem that needs to be solved. the fact that love needs to be solved seems like the worst thing ever. i will do my best.

seal. seal everything.

i'm crying. good. i had better fucking cry, because i was not exaggerating. i am not over-reacting. it's stupid to give up on something so good, so fucking good. it's stupid to invest less in a relationship (see how i'm following my advice to you?) that brings you to life. it's stupid to abandon someone who loves you, and is good at it.

it's stupid to find someone with whom you share a dozen things in common, some of them the most important things in your life... and then ditch that. it's stupid to say to a beautiful girl who [at least once, and maybe more than once] daydreamed about building a life with you, "goodbye."

as far as non-sinful things go, it's about the stupidest thing i will have ever done. just like how, in the realm of non-spiritual & non-inherited treasures, i've never valued anything or anyone more.

fuck everything. i hate being a grown up. can we please just say everything we haven't said yet and then emotionally unfold and then get close enough to taste each other's thoughts and hear each other's silent prayers? can we please just get that over with so that i don't feel like i'm quoting tumblr on what's supposed to be a productive private blog?

i should never have talked to you about being less friendy with you. i should have simply done it and never invited any discussion about it. i should have faded out slowly, the way i did with other people in high-school. i should have not thought so highly of myself that i would consider myself needed by you.

i've been far more foolish than i thought, which is saying quite a bit.

God, please help me act in cruel and terrible and reasonable wisdom.

amen

it's really all just fucked up

maybe i don't need all these words. maybe that title is enough.

i want to demolish the dam holding back your tears and hold you until you've cried them all. it is okay if you get some snot on my shirt; i will dress grungy (not techy) in preparation.

i want to hear you tell me about how your family's decisions make you feel. it is okay if only half your words are intelligible; the point isn't to accurately exchange information. it's to connect emotionally, so that you can be emptied & filled as needed.

i want to be close to you in every way.

but what's really going to happen, if i do what i should, is this: we're going to not be friends anymore.

taking in the ocean

heavy waves roll overhead
every current has its way
but i can't recall the fall
and i don't remember sinking
breathing was easy with you nearby
until you became the sea, and called to me

i'll gladly give up land and sky
for a glimpse of you in motion
a few words from you to me
is like taking in the ocean

the waves roll on within me
every current bids me speak
but i can't unveil the truth yet
and i forget what i am thinking, when i
hear you crash against my shores, i can't decide:
will i live always in longing, or abandon breath itself and dive?

i gladly gave up air and pride
to be swallowed by emotion
now, a few words from you to me
and i'm taking in the ocean

my lungs will have their fill of you
in a fit of raw devotion
and a few more words from you to me
will drown me blissfully

a few more words from you to me
and i'll be taking in the ocean

"i want it so badly"

how about you pay for my new heartstrings after you break the first set? :P

you may never know the treasure you are to me, lady Danica. i consider your beauty and character unsurpassed, yet i'm bound to speak little of it, though it would do you good, i think. part of me can't wait to spill everything; the rest of me scoffs and pities that part.

i will take a small bit of pride in that, even intoxicated, i rein myself in pretty well... but i take no pleasure in that.

Father, please guide Danica into a romance that far exceeds her expectations, and teach her how to be humble yet still fully accept the love offered to her.

amen

#tbs

today was the worst in quite awhile. i don't know why... i'm guessing it has to do with recent conversations and me having to take a step back again. it's pretty dumb because you didn't even ask me to do that; in fact you never asked me for anything. you just told me how you felt. and when i said what i would do to 'help,' and even reiterated it, you didn't really respond directly.

also, you posted a Murdoch song on tumblr today that could be misinterpreted by a desperate guy. good thing i'm super stable, level-headed, and not completely in love with every part of you.

i missed you so much today that i went through most of your tumblr... again... and hearted a bunch of posts. basically you were on my mind for about 90% of my day.

the closer i get to disclosure, the more i suspect it's pointless.

legalities

i really don't know if i can wait 7 months to tell you everything.

return

as captivating as ever. part of me thinks i would be drawn to you just as strongly if i had just met you for the first time... but then i think about music and ministry and i realize the depth of your beauty can't be conveyed via a few beers and laughter, great venue though they are.

i'm at my most foolish now, perhaps, but that doesn't make you any less incredible. it doesn't make things any easier for me. i am the most foolish of fools, it seems.

tonight i miss you with less mental hindrance, and i find it awkward and unpleasant to be so unbounded.

therefore, bedtime. goodnight Hypothetica. i pray God opens the eyes of your future spouse to minimize not the magnitude of the blessing that lies before him.

broken record record record

i have nothing new to say. i crave you and hope that i can tell you that someday. but i don't expect anything good to come of it, except my own relief.

angeleec post

i received your note tonight. if you don't know what it's like to have a friendship so bright and warm that it can keep the darkest coldest night at bay, then you should ask me sometime.

i'm being metaphorical but not exaggerating. these life circumstances form a whirlpool that seems inescapable; i've never been so in danger of truly despairing. you pull me out of the ocean, even if only for a few minutes, and give me breath instead of brine.

just like music.

blech

i'm tired of re-reading these posts. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of dwelling on things in stasis. i'm tired of being uncertain. i'm tired of all of this.

i just want to get it over with, even if that means some dreary existence as nothing more than somebody that you used to know.

rationalypoos

things i know, and need the hypothetical you to know that i know:

• if the inevitable occurs (see what i did there?) and you turn me down, i will be okay. in fact i'll be greatly blessed [in totally different ways] because that's how God rolls in my life, and He will continue directing that life toward Good, as He always has done and has planned to do.
   
• my thoughts & feelings about you are somewhat morphed, or tinted, or both or something, because of the surrounding circumstances. (unfortunately i cannot say exactly how, especially from within. but it's still important for me to know it.)
  
• my care for you is distinct and [even now] mostly separate from my romantic inclinations. i spoke of this in an earlier post but i need to say it with clarity here: were someone to rob me of my capability for romance entirely, i would still love you. storge?
  
• my continuing contributions to this post are only partly a way of managing my inner tumult. they are also the sweetest daydream i've known, and my enjoyment of them makes me partially... hedonistic? not sure how harsh i should be on myself, especially in light of how most other people i know would handle something like this. but i must confess it.

PQ

can i ask you a personal question?

the answer is no, i can't, because there's no safe way to do so; not the question i was going to ask you anyway. typical for me in this chapter, i didn't think it through. when do i ever think things through before saying them to you? only immediately after i realize i just said something to you without thinking it through, and then i emotionally over-react and retreat. rinse, repeat.

you know what though, i'm not even sure i could've asked it if everything were totally safe, because as i try to analyze the question itself, it just falls apart. what does that even mean?! i was going to ask you something about how much i should worry when you post things about --

oh. now i remember. talking to you scrambled my brain but now we're not texting so i can think again.

thanks Hypo. 'preciate ya!  :P

p.s. i hate you because i wish you didn't have to exist.

love/hate

thanks for talking to me about all your serious crushes, and how other guys have made you feel desirable.

i can't decide whether tonight's conversation helped me more or hurt me more. you showed deep and thoughtful appreciation for me, allowed me to do something meaningful (and intimate-ish) for you, shared some of your dreams, indulged my questions about your perspective of me, trusted me, valued me.

and you talked to me about your romantic life and hopes and experiences.

okay so i don't hate you. but i'm hurt a lot so i'll use the "h" word if i want.

i say this over and over, but i have to vent it again: there must be thousands upon thousands of words i have not shared with you, that are lost to the ether (they're not even on this blog). many of them i think you would have cherished... ITWD.

eff my life. but it's superbly blessed of God. but eff anyway.

ITWD

i must have backspaced or cleared at least 18 messages to you in the past few days. life is very strange and i really want it to be different.

the heights are paved with daggers

i'm losing it. but then i'm solid again. but then i'm teetering. but then i'm fine for ahwile.

#finewhine #blah #woeisme #pityparty #actmyage

sealed

it's been my great and guilty pleasure to be of use to you, friend whom i love. i want to tell you that i can't wait to speak with you again, that i want you to text me all night long (all night), and that i feel so stupid for wanting these things... but i cannot, because blah blah blah and my situation et cetera and so on and so forth ad nauseam.

if i had anything new to say, i would say it, i swear.

i miss you and care about you, and i wish i didn't have to fetter myself so. i pray for one of these two things: a chance to tell you everything, or deliverance from this turmoil, this crazy little thing called eff. my. life.

God please help me

peace! be effing still!!!

the sea of isaialee is rough tonight.

i think it's all the recent contact-- phoning (like we did a couple times back when the friendship was still sort of pristine), being invited hiking, texting... it's just a lot. and Thursday is my first counseling session with her in years. very rough tonight.

two drafts sit in this blog waiting to be finished, but i don't have the energy. i need to write them. they are helpful for explaining myself to myself, which is extremely necessary in this chapter. perhaps it'll even become useful for explaining myself to you later on. i don't know for sure.

what i know at the moment is that 1) i'm fallen deeply for a certain turbulent moon-ridden girl, and even the mere memory of her arrests me, and 2) i'm still married to someone to whom i should never have become so vulnerable.

yea. the sea's rough, but more objectively, i'm neither more nor less effed than i was months ago. i guess not much time has really passed.

eff. where's this button for life? [FF>>]

announcing: the end of my sweet dream

last night i dreamt that you kissed my cheek. we were laying next to each other and you were telling me about someone you had prayed with and ministered to at school. i felt for a moment as though i were loved, truly and wholly, without reservation, and that sensation of being touched that way... if i had been awake, that feeling of peace and contentment would have surely sent me straight into pleasant dreams.

i woke up trying desperately to return to sleep, with Mraz asking me, "how can you sleep at a time like this, unless the dreamer is the real you?"

eff you, Mraz. eff you in the ay.

Eureka

i really enjoyed most of our conversation today. it felt great to have a normal talk about normal things, without chatting. it would have felt great even if not for my internal situation. i enjoy your company deeply, even from hundreds of miles away. weird how that works: sometimes i miss you more when you're at arm's length.

i wonder if you know i wanted to be there for you, to make the drive easier.

if i succeeded then i guess it doesn't matter.

i love you. always

DTR I

[August 30th, 2012, 10:21p] (Isaiah)

first, what do you want our friendship to look like right now? ideally. more detail is better. as in, i could probably take pages, single-spaced, and benefit from it all.

second, what do you want our friendship to look like in the future? ideally.

i ask these questions partly because i have been uncertain of the answer for years. like i said the other night, i feel like we had to deal with things that didn't exactly help us to be on good terms. i almost feel.. gypped. but i guess that's more selfish than not.
and i feel like, since our relationship has changed significantly, but we haven't talked about it much except to clear the air, i don't really know what you want out of it
i just sort of know *that* you do. which is weird when i don't know why. which i've said.
so your words, carefully contemplated and arranged (but with the same freedom of thought you used to answer that old PQ) would be a big fat boon.

[August 31st, 2012, 7:03a] (Isaiah)

i remembered part trois when i woke up this morning. so, for extra credit:

third, does my being married (in general; not to anyone specific) or unmarried have any bearing on your answers to parts un and deux?

[September 3rd, 2012, 10:28p] (Danica)

the idea of answering this question has been hovering over me this weekend, and it is difficult for me to answer because i am afraid. i am afraid that whatever my answer is, something will happen/be misunderstood/misconstrued and i will lose you. yes, it seems selfish and it probably is, but i really don't want to lose you because you mean a lot to me. (i'm going to try to use as many feeling words as i can to help both you and me get the best understanding of what i think)

before i answer the questions i want you to know that your presence in my life has had, is having and will have an impact on my life for as long as i'm alive. i know that because when i think of the last five years of my life, you are a part of it. you weren't in the parental, peer, pastoral, acquaintance or ministry pal category. you were just isaiah, my friend. we happened to have encounters that resembled some of those categories, but never characterized by one group like other people (even ones who matter a lot to me) are. you have felt like a peer-like friend, a mentor, a pastor-like figure, a fellow musician and music lover, older friend example person, etc. at one time or another. now, you continue to not be a part of any of those categories individually, but you have settled into a role that i'm not sure how to label. you are the continuation of the above roles you filled. the word legacy keeps coming to mind....i'll try to figure that out a bit more later...

in another sense, you (by the way i'm crying right now....so you have more of a context similar to if this was in person) represent SO many things that i would want in a husband. i want him to be a passionate lover of music, a thorough and grounded thinker, a hard worker who has the desire to craft with his own hands, a consistent rock, a persistent pursuer of knowledge of God and His universe and people, a man who inspires a girl to become a woman, unreserved in his care for his family and those who seek to know him. you have demonstrated these. never perfectly and probably some without you even knowing i was watching, but i saw it. i saw the man you are by your actions. not your words or past mistakes. please don't fight me on this. i am not trying to make you feel better (not that i wouldn't desperately want that for you), i am telling you the accumulation of what you've been for me and continue to be as you live your life. i am still watching and learning. and even when life sucks and you think you are sucking at doing anything right, you are a man of God that is honored and i am honored to experience your life with you in an interesting context. we're friends. and in my opinion, great friends. i feel both protected and cared for by you. you represent what someone i would be in a relationship would look like to me. i don't want you to be concerned that you are that person in my life. i am being honest here because i know how important it is. i hate having to say all this and risk the misunderstanding, but you are not that person in my life. i see you isaiah, as a brother who knows me deeply and longs for what i long for in my life.

i don't know what your marriage situation means for our friendship and i want to be as respectful and helpful as possible. that being said, my desire is to be the kind of friends that we've been for the past few months, but if that is going to cause problems then i am willing to make changes. to me our friendship would look like, having monday night dinners with you and brandon and jesse, playing music together at church, hanging out like we did at ryan's house when we drank bailey's and played a game, asked and answered PQs on facebook, went to the lake with jerad and ryan, had deep discussions.... there are a few changes i would actually be more comfortable with because i know that i so often make decisions based on feeling rather than on the knowledge of right and wrong/health and unhealth. i don't want anything to happen that would ruin our friendship. if anything outside of friendshipness, we most likely would never be friends again. my desire is to be friends for the rest of our lives. this would just mean not hanging out just the two of us (which i think we've been pretty good at), not talking privately about this kind of stuff whether in person or online (and jerad and heather have been a part of this so i feel comfortable) and not hanging out so much to where we hang out with each other exclusively (that's gonna be the hard one for me because you are one of the few people i actually want to hang out with).

in the future, our friendship, as i grow up more and hopefully enter into a healthy relationship and continue with my career, would ideally have you involved in a similar way until it was my husband's turn to help take care of me. i feel like, in that case, it would be time to allow that man in my life to take over. it kinda seems like a brother or a father of a girl when she decides to love another man. it becomes my husband's responsibility.

you being married gives a kind of safety to our friendship because i know that you aren't mine to put in the spot of main man in my life. it is scarier now because of the situation and that's why i think it is imperative that we do this. i agree with you in that these things need to be discussed in order to move forward.

my answers are probably unorganized and possibly don't even make sense. i am exhausted after spending an hour and a half writing this. if you could do me a favor and respond asking specifically for clarification and/or more answers, i would be really grateful. i tried my best in this message, but this is a heavy topic and i don't expect myself to be able to fit it all in in one sitting.

i hope i answered something.

[10:39p] (Isaiah)

i need you to understand that most of my reactions, both thought-wise and feeling-wise, i must keep to myself. not because i want to or because i don't trust you-- i do-- but for other reasons which i think you'd wholeheartedly agree with if we talked through them

as is the norm with me, every answered question spawns eight more questions. that's frustrating to most people; they feel interrogated. i hope you won't. i highly value your cooperation and openness and courage in answering as you have. unfortunately (and frustratingly; but i must deal with it) i must continue to withhold most of the questions i am collecting. but, after reading your words multiple times, i'm left with 3 questions that i can and will ask now

1st: you said, "there are a few changes i would actually be more comfortable with..." assuming i am NOT married in a month or two, what few changes are those?

2nd: you said, "my desire is to be friends for the rest of our lives. this would just mean... ...not hanging out so much to where we hang out with each other exclusively (that's gonna be the hard one for me because you are one of the few people i actually want to hang out with)."

i don't know what you mean by "hang out with each other exclusively." i actually don't even have a guess. what does that mean?

3rd: you said, "you being married gives a kind of safety..." what is the danger for you (not me) if/when i am not married? i do not understand this at all either.

don't feel obligated to answer within a timeframe; feel free to set yourself a timeframe based on your personal resources / needs


(Danica)

ok. i will continue to think about them, but my thoughts right off the bat are that i think the changes i stated would also be good if you are not married in the future. remember when we hung out for nine days straight? i loved that. i wasn't tired of you or anything, but it was too much. to hang out with a man (married or unmarried) that much doesn't make sense to me unless it was headed somewhere romantic. i don't think it is wise for me to personally put myself in a situation that even if i'm not pursuing a romantic relationship, could be drawn into especially because of what i said about you representing characteristics that i am drawn to in others romantically. by exclusively, i mean that most of our leisure hang out time in general is spent together.

the danger for me is that you would be "available" (i dont mean that's what you would say or anything, my brain would just transfer you from the unavailable to available side of the man spectrum) and despite what i may want or decide, i know that i would be susceptible to develop feelings based on what we have in common and our emotional connection.

(Isaiah)

that's the thing i am having difficulty understanding. why would you expect feelings to possibly develop for someone you did NOT want to be with romantically?

(Danica)

because my feelings develop despite what i want
that's why i have found myself drawn before to women romantically even though i don't want it. at all

(Isaiah)

i don't mean to insult or critique or call that inherently bad, but it really baffles me. if there is no underlying explanation for it that you are aware of, then perhaps i will never understand it

(Danica)

i think it's terrible! i absolutely hate it. the only explanation i have is that i have some serious issues in my thinking.
which i already know and am trying to work on them....i just don't know what direction to go and how

(Isaiah)

i am not convinced that it's wrong to be susceptible in that way. i lean more toward it being a vulnerability that's neither good nor bad, but still dangerous. like a cliff
you seem to know how to avoid falling off, and you seem to be making the decisions necessary to avoid falling off. in fact now that we're having this conversation, i can put past conversation in perspective. correct me if i am wrong: but you've been avoiding that cliff with me for years...?

(Danica)

i don't think it's wrong in the black and white sense. i mean, it is unhealthy and doesn't make any logical sense at all. it is a vulnerability and i also hate it and happen to want it to leave
oh yes. when valerie had that talk with me at starbucks, i immediately felt like oh crap i'm gonna eff this up aren't i

(Isaiah)

it might become a very useful thing when you find a person you DO want to be romantic with
wait what? what talk? about my past?

(Danica)

yeah. she just mentioned that you had a lot of fun with the worship team and she could tell that you and i had/have a strong friendship and she mentioned a very small bit about our past
im not exactly sure what she was trying to tell me, but i took it as kind of a warning for me not to try to pull you into to that or something....? im still not completely sure

(Isaiah)

and that prompted a fear in you because you see strong close friendships as potential sources of unwanted and harmful romantic feelings

(Danica)

before you guys were married. i think you were recently engaged.
i had absolutely no fear in you.

(Isaiah)

in you, i mean.

(Danica)

no. i remember feeling like that wasn't my sense of you at all. i felt like maybe she felt uncomfortable with our friendship, but i didn't. the fear in me was the same fear i have now, that i'm going to find a way to eff this up somehow

(Isaiah)

that's what i mean. it prompted a fear in you, of yourself; not of me

(Danica)

oh yes
sorry

(Isaiah)

np. this question is slightly more comprised of curiosity-- a shadegrown, if you will-- but i will ask anyway: what in the world do you think could you possibly do to eff up our friendship?

(Danica)

i knew at the time that i was susceptible to crushing on all kinds of people who represented want i wanted/lacked in my past/needed and in the last five years i have only been reminded of how strong that is. yes, i have made choices and taken steps to not act on every feeling, but my failures seem to carry much more weight in my head

(Isaiah)

lol i can relate with that
the last part
sooo it seems like your answer is, "i don't think i could. but i feel like i would be motivated to do something that would."

(Danica)

what in the world could i do to eff up our friendship? my brain automatically goes to extremes: what if during one of our deep talks i all of a sudden have a desire for closeness with you and i take it too far?

(Isaiah)

but you know i would disallow that

(Danica)

knowing myself, that does not seem like such a far off possibility if i didn't do things to protect myself
who knows man...
oh...i misread it again
sorry again.
yeah hopefully

(Isaiah)

hopefully.
i am always relieved to find the limits of someone's trust in me
because then i know what to expect, and can plan for it

(Danica)

i hope, but cant absolutely trust because you are just as fallen as i am
so there you go, that's where the trust would be in question.....but my trust in myself would be long gone by then

(Isaiah)

so is anyone, but some are more trustworthy than others. i suppose truly knowing what i'm capable of is partly responsible for your [possibly justified but i think not] distrust

(Danica)

distrust in...whom?

(Isaiah)

me
well it probably won't help you at all, but i'll tell you anyway, because i believe my words matter (objectively and to you): i would not allow you to do something to me/us that i knew you would regret
who i am now is especially certain of that
if i even sensed a possibility of it, i would begin disallowing it at that point

(Danica)

i only know what you are capable of because i know what i am capable of. (which stems from my own pathological belief that i infect the people i'm around with the bad that i'm capable of) it doesn't really have anything to do with your past

(Isaiah)

huh... that is also strange and baffling to me.

(Danica)

i believe you until my brain overrides it with my infecting complex

(Isaiah)

i don't know if i know what people mean when they say they have trust issues, but if you would consider that to be one, then i suddenly have a better understanding

(Danica)

for some reason i believe i have the power (in all the relationships that matter to me) to make others make different decisions. i know logically i dont, but because i sense that if i matter to them, they would somehow allow me to make decisions through them. it's a really effed up little thought pattern, but ive realized i've been living out of it for a long time
yup. and it has less to do with a person being trustworthy or untrustworthy and more to do with how much i gauge i matter to them

(Isaiah)

fascinating (unpleasantly... but still). wow. so... wow. in that case i hope you have NOT accurately gauged how much you matter to me
and perhaps i should not try to communicate it to you so much, or so fully
lol that's the first and possibly last time i'll ever hope such a thing for anyone.

(Danica)

well relationships i have with strict boundaries (like with my last therapist) (i was convinced that i would somehow get her to break her therapist code thingy to spend time with me outside of therapy), i slowly learn that they have a choice in the matter and that i dont have that power unless someone gives it to me (like danielle did)

(Isaiah)

i see. that helps me to understand how valuable your therapist was to you
is

(Danica)

i can trace some of it back to childhood and my dad and stuff and i can recognize it in friendships more often. i've just never verbalized (typed) it out like this before. i also can feel when i start to feel someone having the power of me
sometimes i resist and other times i'm drawn in to do exactly what i perceive them wanting
over*

(Isaiah)

i don't know how to type the sound i just made. i whistled tonelessly
what a combo of vulnerabilities
that is quite a... tight-rope.
with gusting winds.

(Danica)

now when i'm drawn in to someone (especially girls) i put up a huge wall for personal safety and immediately get down on myself and try to figure out why the eff i'm so powerfully pulled in by these specific people. i sometimes have to completely avoid because i am afraid of even beginning to entertain those thoughts
seriously. if i lean over to one side i verbally and emotionally attack myself (sabotage?) and on the other side i start to feel certain things about people and i shove myself back over to the violent side

(Isaiah)

=(  i don't want that for you
i hate that

(Danica)

me too. fortunately it's not with everybody. it was with a lot right after the danielle thing cuz i was hyperaware and sensitive, but it's less now

(Isaiah)

do you fully expect that if you & i adhere to your ideal friendship for us, that you won't have to worry about that with us?

(Danica)

i suppose it happens mostly with girls because i don't let myself get super vulnerable with many guys
fully? no. mostly? yes.

(Isaiah)

what would need to happen to get to the 'fully' descriptor?

(Danica)

i don't know if i would ever be able to fully expect or not expect something in this context
intense healing
especially because we've had this conversation i am closer to fully than before, but still prob only like 80%
you know what... i think i do trust you when you said you would disallow anything to happen in the scenario i created.

(Isaiah)

why the change in conclusion?

(Danica)

because i don't trust myself very much, i couldn't really trust anyone else theoretically. but after thinking about the way you run. you are more able to keep your commitments to yourself than i am. you say you will not do something and you dont. i rarely feel like i have the self-control/willpower to do that

(Isaiah)

that's generally true... but there is more to it in this case. my care for you is partly instinctive. honey badger don't care what threatens. the real danger is that i might over-react (in the process of protecting you) and hurt your feelings

(Danica)

if that's the danger, i'll take it

(Isaiah)

lol i'll do my best to protect sensitively. i am 100% confident in my ability to do so, partly from experience (not with this exact scenario but with related ones)

(Danica)

i am so grateful

(Isaiah)

LoL i really don't expect to ever have to do anything like that. the more i think about it the more i laugh out loud
i don't mean to downplay or minimize your vulnerabilities
but seriously... so, Valerie asked me the other night, "don't you think it's a possibility that Danica is and/or would be interested in you romantically?"
in that case i guess i failed to be sensitive, because i immediately laughed, and had to work hard to contain myself
others would say i downplay or even completely deny whatever attractiveness i may or may not have, but i don't see it that way
but that tangent is a bit too shade-grown for me tonight, i think
in the rare case that an indiana-jones-sized boulder is headed straight for you, Danica, and i just happen to be nearby, i promise to push you out of the way gently but firmly

(Danica)

so valerie has thought that all along?
great
she really doesn't/didn't trust me at all did she

(Isaiah)

valerie has been insecure all along, about most of my female friendships. that's partly her, but it's also me, because of my personality
and my mistakes
my personality is to invest heavily when i see a need i can meet. for whatever reason[s], i am able to meet some of the deep needs that females have. and i have done so honey-badger style since high-school, all the while quoting 1Cor13 and such, completely oblivious to the dangers
so she shouldn't be blamed fully

(Danica)

yeah i guess

(Isaiah)

and neither should you. in fact i don't see a reason to give you even a crumb from the blame pie
maybe if we'd had this conversation from day 1, and we'd known ourselves (respectively) then as well as we do now
but no. not your fault

(Danica)

i keep having to remind myself that i haven't done anything wrong. i immediately internalize the blame for all of this cuz i feel something on the outside blaming me, but i really didn't do anything

(Isaiah)

whatever you HAVE done, has been worthy of respect

(Danica)

it's making me feel like i have to defend myself for something i didn't do.

(Isaiah)

and has helped
except for that deoderant incident. but i still forgive you.

(Danica)

i don't forgive you for spelling it wrong
until you ask for forgiveness

(Isaiah)

i was staring at it thinking... "wait..."
but it was too late. alas.

[September 4, 2012, 12:00a] (Danica)

that's why i use a mac. automatic spell check

(Isaiah)

you mean for spelling it incorrectly, right?
(this is where you say "touche")

(Danica)

this is also where i say not automatic grammar check.

(Isaiah)

lol

(Danica)

but yes, touche
every time i see that word spelled out i read it "touch-y"

(Isaiah)

i read it as "tooshy" just for fun
or tushy, i guess

(Danica)

that's one of halle's words for her butt.

(Isaiah)

dang it. i had other questions or thoughts or something
lol

(Danica)

similar to queue i supposed

(Isaiah)

lol perhaps
oh i remember.

(Danica)

do you think i could answer/address your other questions/thoughts/somethings tomorrow? i have an early morning

(Isaiah)

=\   i forgot to ask about that. sorry

(Danica)

i chose to keep talking =)

(Isaiah)

i'm humbled
for that and other reasons
"thank you" is once again not really adequate

(Danica)

we need like a code phrase. like "dolphin elbow"
or something.........
O_o

(Isaiah)

maybe something more serious. like...     please words for "thank you"

(Danica)

"please words for thank you"?
or "please words"?

(Isaiah)

yea. please words = i very much want to speak but don't have a big enough mode of expression
so please words for 'thank you' = i very much want to thank you but don't have a big enough mode of expression

(Danica)

ok. i think i get it. but not the actual two words: "please words"
?

(Isaiah)

that's your invented phrase, actually

(Danica)

lol. kinda slow tonight

(Isaiah)

it's been a long one
longer for you than for me

(Danica)

yes i suppose so

(Isaiah)

at the picnic table with brandon you said "please words," which in that context meant "please give me words, because i want to express why you matter to me and why i still want your friendship but don't know how"
anyway

(Danica)

got it.
i remember now

(Isaiah)

then i relinqueesh you to Dreamica-land.

(Danica)

thank you ( for that, not those words for the rest of our convo tonight)
i'll talk to you soon friend

(Isaiah)

please do friend

(Danica)

night

(Isaiah)

i wish thee a good night

benembering

i can't decide whether scouring Facebook for old interactions is healthier or foolisher than the rest of this blog so far. either way i'm not stopping so i suppose i'll just have to get your opinion on it later. segue!

i must ask you a hundred questions regarding old notes you've written. this is merely a string around my e-finger.

righting assignment

"it's called an umlaut."

okay colleege student... :P

so i did it. i followed my own advice, plus Jerad's, plus the VUSC community's: i instituted a long-overdue DTR. its one-sided-ness is unfortunate but necessary. i mangled my words on their way out, even though i actually DID plan what to say to you this time, sort of. but the request is delivered nonetheless, and now i await my Destinica.

what do i want?

to be forever bound by the constraints put upon our friendship by you. that's like my favorite thing ever.

okay but seriously: i don't want to battle this anymore. i don't want to juggle a dozen feelings every time i get a text message that MIGHT be from you. i don't want to say stupid shtee without even thinking about it first. (at least let me be stupid on purpose!)

i sense the time drawing nearer where i will have to claim that retiring this blog is the best thing, but then continue posting in it anyway as a way of dealing with my being in love with someone who isn't in love with me. i guess sooner is better than later.

wah wah wah. i should sleep.

i miss you terribly. sleep well forever-friend-ica.

unbedary

part of me can't believe i just did that.

but most of me is relieved, the way you're relieved after Troy gets ahold of your neck, or the way you're relieved after you extinguish your own chonies when they've been on fire for 33 days.

i think i might be able to move on now. we'll see.

God help me please. amen

whirlpool-y-poo

once again i'm taking on water. that 3-minute one-on-one with you made my whole world freeze. nothing else existed. i was waiting all night-- okay okay, i'm constantly awaiting my next interaction with you. and then you walked up to me and talked to me. i guess that's what friends do, maybe.

and now i'm breathing in the ocean, and for some reason i'm not fighting it. i guess that means i've already drowned.

i'm effed

still can't get over how beautiful you are. altogether. throughout. you are incontrovertible evidence of beauty itself. your character, personality, struggles and victories, your voice and heart, your mind. your lived-out theology. your hair, eyes, shape, movement.

still in it pretty deep... yup. just another night of longing and "bring on the wonder."

i think you are to me what the ocean is to lemmings. and that line means it's time for sleep.

some things change naught

i have always cared for you, and always will. tonight's song had absolutely nothing to do with my "romantic" feelings. i wrote it months ago.

i hope it did not harm you. i hope you found, and maybe even find, it valuable.

i love you.

less traveled by

at first, saying goodbye to you was an exercise in discipline, intended to keep myself in check, and to prepare for the possibility that my stupid feelings might cause problems for us to the point where i'd have to let go of you.

but now i see our paths may be leading away from each other. my selfish... uhm, self, i guess... suddenly rises up and prepares for war at this thought.

who is it fooling.

how deep? this deep.

saying goodbye is somehow easier when i get to spend this much time with you. perhaps i'm in the Nile.

welp, wherever i am, the view is incredible. i will soak up all i can before life comes crashing back down again.

still missing you.

child of the heavenly Father

you have absolutely no idea how serene and beautiful you look. you are at least half asleep, but you're still smiling. it's just not fair. i can't decide whether i want to photograph you or wrap myself up in whatever you're feeling.

tonight has been a strange mix of difficult and sensationally wonderful.

i can only barely contain what i'm feeling.

selfishly i pray that this terrible and delicious tension will soon be resolved.

though i know it not to be so, tonight i find you perfect.

jerk

thanks for making me cry. actually i needed it. i didn't even get enough out. i miss you differently today, but no less than i ever have.

perspective

i had an extremely valuable 4-hr conversation with Jerad today at the buff. not all of it was actionable, but some was, and i realize now that one of the most important things for an introvert to seek out in others is outside perspective itself.

i do not always remember to take off my lenses and put on those of others. in most cases it happens when i forget that i am wearing certain lenses. Jerad helps me to notice them.

i am making progress in letting go of my fantasy future. i hope that doing so will benefit both you & me in the long run.

i still miss you terribly. i act on what i think is best, but i hope for what i think would be the most enjoyable (i.e. you). but i have to wrap my mind around reality, and make decisions partly based on what is most likely or the worst-case scenario, and i can no longer, in good conscience at least, indulge myself in fruitless dreams. they themselves may not be wrong, but they may mislead me if i do not rein them in.

i do not know what will happen between us. i hope for many good things. i must plan on not very many good things. i hate giving you up; i hate losing anything we have or had or could have. but i must prepare myself to do so anyway, without throwing a fit or wallowing in my negative emotions.

i value every moment spent with you, even the painful ones. i will look back on our friendship with great thankfulness for the joy and the learning and the hard work and everything else.

this is my first "goodbye friend." i think i may need many more, but i should probably begin now. so...

goodbye friend. it was nice fun cool interesting difficult incredible knowing you.

petrichor

you're sort of like this morning's rain.

i have no control over it whatsoever (rightfully so).
whether things rock or suck, it makes my world more beautiful.
i'm arrested by it; i stop everything i was doing just to focus on experiencing it.
it's uniquely musical.
it always leaves before i want it to...
...and even if it didn't, i can never stay in it as long as i want to.

isaiah the jealot

i hope you will view this one confessed flaw of mine as simply a piece of a large and complex whole, rather than as a defining trait. i'm drawing attention to it, though, so perhaps if you do judge me by it, i should blame me first.

i'm supes jealous of Ryan, who lives with you and gets to interact with you all the freakin' time, and Jerad who's only one step below that. i understand why, and i get that my situation as well as my desire both disqualify me... but wow. i really wish i could have even half of the time either of them gets with you.

when i have i not enjoyed your company (excluding conflict-times)? when have i ever felt like, "yeah, i want to hang out with someone, but not Danica" ? when have i ever thought to myself, "i wish Danica would pay me less attention and leave me alone" ???

i'm desperate not only for things i want, but things i need. i won't act on my desperation (at least not in a way that brings me closer to what my heart wants), but that doesn't change how i feel.

today i was thrilled to hear you say my name, to joke with you, to joke (mostly) about your boobs like we always do (wow... creeper. probly shouldn't mention that, even on this secret blog of adoration), to see how people enjoy your company and you theirs.

i want more. and i get upset when others get a lot. that's probly wrong.

help me somehow?

weather or not

depends on whether you text me or not.

this is one of the things that clues me in to how compromised i am: every time you text me first, i feel like the sun has come out and there's a cool breeze, even if the day is 109° and overcast.

that is SO SAPPY i can't believe it's coming from my own mind. or heart. whatever. the point is, i'm in way over my head here, to the point where i don't even realize it without looking at the clues. even then it's difficult to believe. i mean i'm already planning how to tell you my feelings, when i haven't even seen any divorce papers yet. something is very wrong with me.

i think i'm beginning to realize that, for this and other reasons, i can never show you this blog... even if things turn out the way my heart hopes they do.

that's depressing.

private service announcement

tonight, against all of my expectations, Valerie agreed to reconsider her position, on the condition that those conversations take place in the context of professional counseling. i told her i'd consider it, and that we'd talk about it tomorrow night.

as i type this, i'm also adding album art to my tumblr post... the one with greg laswell's song "sweet dream."

it is perfect, and painful.

• this new possibility of not-divorce has me reeling. i'm troubled, thinking of the risk of giving Valerie another chance. i think the word is "trepidation," but i don't know the adjectival form. 
• i'm also worried that i will have to put down (in the same way as one would an already-dying animal) my fantasy about you. it is no mere sweet dream; it is a real and deep desire, something i have not only felt but considered and reconsidered and found to be complex and real and wholly desirable. (and terrible.) i feel it will not die easily, even if it becomes truly and urgently necessary that i kill it.
• i don't think counseling will change who Valerie is. i think it may change, temporarily, the things she believes. but that doesn't solve our problem, and it doesn't make it wise to re-dedicate to each other.
• i want you. i don't want anyone else. i want to reconcile with Valerie, but i don't want to be married to her anymore. i want her to go away and live her life apart from mine. i want a chance to do things right from step 1. i don't want to give myself again to someone who constantly challenges my commitments.
• i'm too tired to do any more productive introspecting tonight. 

i miss you, as always. your surprise text tonight was fantastic (literally). thank you.

meanwhile, in real life...

this blog by itself paints a very one-sided picture of my life.

i just spent what was supposed to be a productive afternoon of re-arranging my finances (because Val left me) instead holding Valerie and trying to provide comfort to her in the midst of a life that's beating her up pretty good (mostly because of her own foolish choices).

one thing at least remains uncompromised: my commitment to love her selflessly. not that it's perfect but seriously, it's definitely love. not that i am Mr. Selfless but seriously, the way i react to her when she takes advantage of me, is to try harder to help us get along and work things out. when she feels hurt by me she simply takes it out on me and makes things more dangerous and painful and harmful for me.

done ranting. for now.

"i must leave after all"

i'm considering going to a different church.

seriously, how am i supposed to be around you? i've spent my whole life carefully constructing behavioral patterns and schema that help me navigate my social environment. i even committed to loving people-- not just because it's right, but because that conquers the uncertainty. it says, "you don't have to be charismatic or likeable. just love people."

you ruin everything i've constructed to keep me comfortable and safe. you are le dangereux, and i have absolutely no clue how i can continue in friendship with you, especially after these things are revealed to you.

angels, may you be entertained

Father

i am grateful for the altogether good and lovely things i have encountered because of Your grace and involvement in my life. i see that the boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places, and this confuses me because i do not see how i can be trusted with these blessings.

and perhaps i should not always be trusted with all of them.

i shake my head and bow in wonder when i consider my friendships, and how much i have been given. i am particularly in awe of Your daughter Danica and the ways she has made my life unquantifiably better.

i think i must give this up in my heart and mind if i am to keep from clutching it too tightly. i feel that i'm suffocating it, or being suffocated by it, or both. maybe it's better that i plan to leave it behind. maybe it's better that i acknowledge my suspicion that she is outgrowing our friendship. maybe it's a good idea to let it pass.

i will work on doing that, internally. i will prepare for it and thereby perhaps prevent some of the useless and foolish floundering that i've been doing so far.

please help me do wise things. please continue to help Danica grow in strength and wellness. please help me find Your will and match mine to it. please help Danica to feel confident in herself without losing any of her humility. please help me manage my feelings. please give Danica many opportunities to find the boundary lines falling for her in pleasant places.

please help me to be selfless like You, so that i can responsibly, willingly yield to You the wondrous and rare blessings to which i have so desperately clung.

amen

#tag ... you're it

your writings leave me lonelier and more in pain than before, even though i always look forward to them. i want so badly to do something for you. and that's how it's been for a long time, far before my feelings decided to leave orbit. i could cry for you if i hadn't used 'em all up earlier tonight, on myself. it wasn't selfish; i needed to cry. this is becoming worse than tangential.

all i'm saying is, i wish things were different, even just a little bit. i wish i could speak to you freely, even if only to say "i'm here for you and won't give up on you. i hurt with you and long to understand and to help if i can. i care deeply about you and your life and your inner and outer well-being."

i'm so messed up... and my life is too. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't care about you. Hypothetica, i am praying for your real-world counterpart, asking God to grant all of her requests (as long as they are wise ones). Holy Spirit, please move Danica to ask for the right things, and then give them to her in spades.

amen

this is basically just a feelings-landfill now

i already gave you the confluence speech and explained how i just want more friendypoos with you than i ever have with anyone else (to the point where the hypothetical 'we' would have to admit that it isn't simply friendshipypoo anymore), so now apparently it's ventypoo.blogspot.com.

i give of myself over and over, and it's 50/50 whether Val will like it and ask for more, or spit venom at me. i dislike mistreatment, but it's especially hurtful when it comes as a reply to love. i feel like vomiting through my eyes and gushing tears out my mouth. that doesn't make sense. my brain is fried from too much emotional vulnerability and i hate being separated from you and what i really hope is that Valerie gets fed up at all of my kind and vulnerable acts and just divorces me so i can tell you how i feel and ask you to give you & me a chance at some point in the future.

i really don't have this attitude all the time. elsewhere i pray (publicly and privately) and give voice to my morals and commitments. here (this time anyway) is vomit.blogspot.com.

i may delete this later.

typithetica

just another typical day of feeling like the feeling of wishing i could spend about 85% of the day with you is increasing by about 85% every day. this weekend was a very low doseege, so i shouldn't be surprised.

come run errands with me.

[sh]it comes and goes in waves

i am in it so deep.

when will i be free from this mess? i miss you more than i've ever missed anything except Jesus (that is NOT a joke; i have painfully missed human-Jesus many times). you're the person i should be avoiding, unfriending, blocking, ignoring.

but it burns like a mother, and EFF does it hurt to have so many unanswered questions in this area. and it hurts to be separated from you. even if i weren't romantically invested in you at all, i would hate being separated from you, because YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST FRIENDS I'VE EVER HAD AND I HATE THAT THAT IS RUINED.

a post of substance!!

i feel i've hit a milestone of some kind.

i have re-read some of our Facebook message conversations, and realized that there's quite a bit unsaid... on both sides. this whole time i've been thinking i'm the one holding back, restraining myself, and perhaps that is true now. but i have unanswered questions, friend, and you are the only one who knows.

this blog has been about desperate longings, and i felt slightly ashamed to have them and to be spilling them so dramatically... and so i am now quite taken aback as i discover that i've left one longing unturned. i long to know what needs i was meeting when you withdrew from me, and whether that situation was entirely bad for you or not.

if things had been different... if i hadn't been married... would we have abandoned our friendship? would you have withdrawn enough to make me frustrated and angry?

this is foolish. i can't possibly list all the questions i am feeling; i haven't process enough. realization and complete analysis are two different things. i will let it stew for now.

but know that we have unfinished business, Hypothetica. and if there is even the slightest chance of finishing it, i will do so., even if it means saying goodbye forever and completely. i care about you a great deal, and will do what is necessary for your life to be what it should, insofar as that depends on my choices as someone close to you.

DTR. eff.

i think i've got blog in my eyes -_-

the night's a blur.

i remember wanting to blog here several times, but i'm too out of it now to try to remember all of those precise thoughts. i have a feeling they were all repost-y anyway... random thoughts about your attracteeveness and how i might go about showing you the depth of my desire and why it would be such a good idea to give me everything i want.... you know, just stuff you'd expect to find at a youth all-nighter in such a selfish person.

i'm kind of embarrassed about my comment on your aesthetic value (to me personally). sorry. probly shouldn't've said that.

i also had many thoughts and feelings of jealousy as i watched you interact with them otha olda boys, with whom you spend a great deal of time and on a regular basis. wow. i am angry about that.

i had a dream just now, during my recovery-sleep. i dreamt that i told you your music was priceless and needed to be shared with the whole world, or something like that. i woke up missing you, which kinda helped me orient myself as briefly panicked about being late to Sunday morning worship practice.

this post is junk. i miss you. please come to dinner with me tonight.

sea of green and moonlight

i remember what my backyard looked like a decade and a half ago. No playhouse, no concrete strip around the outside, no swing set. a few old pecan trees. mostly dirt and weeds. hardly any shade.

now the oak and the raywood and the camphor are thirty-five feet tall, and their silhouettes against the moonlight still me. the air is perfect; i can feel the slight warmth of my oil lamp on my face from a foot away, where it casts flickering shadows on the unfinished wood of the table, and on my humidor.

my family is near but asleep. my friends are Penzance and Awake and Maurissa Tancharoen... and two cats, who read my mind and decided to keep me company from a short distance. i think their names are Babette and General Custard-Butt. (no joke.)

i would have once called this a perfect 3am. i would have changed nothing. but in this chapter, i can't help but imagine a few changes.

if my picnic table and bench were a skychair instead. if the green before me were a vineyard. if the moon were full. if i had my own JRR instead of T's loaner. if i didn't have to work in 4 hours.

and, if the skychair were a double. if someone offered me a refill for the iced tea. if i had live music-- living music-- within arm's reach. if i were splitting my iPod's signal. if i could pause and share these thoughts aloud in between song repetitions, with a person instead of a blog. if i could feel a few fingertips on my shoulder every now and then. if the breeze were just two degrees or so cooler, to compensate for the extra warmth i'd feel.

if things were very different.

the youzh

tonight, i missed you the way i used to. it was refreshing. it was almost normal enough that i could even ignore it like i used to.

i still thought about you all day long. but it was bearable.

i guess that's all i have to say this time. see you tomorrow...

day 15

i find this peaceful not only in the world's day and age, but in mine. in fact this might be the most peaceful moment i've had since 6-20.

it's not just your post; it's been that kind of evening. a late nap and twilight and more re-reading of journals and re-remembering of who i am.

to the tune of a soundtrack from one of my fav movies, i read your post and-- actually, it's funny because i check tumblr eighty times a day anticipating new things from you, but this time i was just reloading the page out of internet-surfing-habit (right after posting myself), and there it was: a reminder that i really am as foolish and prone to wander (in this chapter) as i feared i was. well, maybe not anymore; i mean, i'm turning pages. but for awhile there it was pretty bad. i actually had to have an impromptu conversation with Jerad about it between services this last Sundee.

i am so relieved. if there were ever a person you shouldn't... not that you would, or even could. but if you could, and if you would, you shouldn't.

i guess relief isn't the only feeling. but it's dominant, which i'll take as a sign that i really am turning pages.

#bookmarks

bullets

"withdraw from people, run away (literally), run to another person and quickly get into a relationship based on rash decisions, let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions, respond in anger at valerie, etc."

• withdraw from people 
  Evan and Allison have sent me at least ten texts each since i got back from camp. they even left baked treats at my doorstep when i never responded. they've e-mailed me as well. Brandon, closest male friend in this chapter, actually laid low for awhile because he knew about Val leaving but didn't attempt to warn me.
  
  i stopped gaming with him and Taylor and Ug on Wednesday nights, but i cancel each week because each time i hope that i'll feel good enough to have fun with them again. i also stopped gaming with Dave (Caleb's brother) and three other guys who normally depend on me as a team member. no notice given.
  
  i deleted my Facebook... well, that one's sort of obvious and kind of understandable by most who know my situation, i suppose. wouldn't that be great: to get a cornucopia of John Relphs leaving me messages and wallposts and pokes meant to cheer me up or advise me? =P
 
• run to another person and quickly get into a relationship
  this blog may not qualify, but it's certainly a step in that direction. if not for my recent re-awakening, i probably would have rambled on without restraint for weeks about how utterly desirable you are, never admitting to myself, "isaiah, i think you might be feeding something that isn't ever going to be sated. furthermore, it's getting stronger."
  
  the truth is that i still make plans about how to tell you about my feelings. i invite you to Yard House for your first Kostritzer and ask you to bring whatever you wrote me 'while i was gone'. i drive to La Mirada and ask if you have time to assist me in photographing the sun setting over the ocean (sometimes there's a lot of gear to carry... yeah). i arrange a surprise picnic on your campus. i write a serenade. i make a dinner paired to Apotheec White and light candles like i normally do (haha). i may not be running in to another relationship, but wow, i sure know how to make myself feel like i am (and get away with it).
 
• let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions 
  geez. i think i've posted enough about this one, publicly and privately...
 
• respond in anger at Valerie 
  this may be the one i've conquered most in my time as a married peep. i will receive this part of your encouragement with little to no reservation, friend, for the amount of anger i could have allowed myself would have surely destroyed myself in part and my marriage in whole.

i desperately crave your in-person encouragement, and the incredible peace and warmth that would infuse me through conversation with you about the deep things of my life. a shoulder-touch would be especially appreciated right now.

perhaps later.

woe to my face & height

things are a little calmer in isaiah-land. yesterday was important. in a way, you panicking at dinner the day before was a great thing for me: it made me stop and think, "what am i doing? did i do that?" and then of course i responded, "i did do that... eff!!"

you didn't do it to give me an opportunity to show some actual wisdom (i don't have any clue what wisdom you think i'm showing so far), but it worked out that way. i feel closer to my actual age. i feel confident that i can hide several of my feelings from you without pitying myself and moping.

unfortunately i am still shorter than you, and can't really do much of a beard... but i have matured enough to not cry about that. in public.

sixteenteen

i'm sorry for not acting my age. and i'm sorry for saying that you send me back to junior high; that was false. my feelings and flaws send me back to junior high. you just happen to be around (in my life or in my mind) when they do. that's different.

i spent a great deal of time today reflecting, because i had to drive to Ridgecrest for work. that's two hours past Bakersfield, in the Mojave desert. so it's a 4-hour drive one-way if i don't stop. Kyle kept me company while i got to know myself a little better.

i reflected on my selfishness, my immaturity, and my mistakes. i don't know why i allowed my fooleeshness to go this far, but i know that my self-awareness has been at an all-time low, which makes things very dangerous for me and those around me. i have no excuses, but i do have a few explanations... if they matter at all, perhaps i'll one day share more of them.

anyways i also reflected on how implausible it is that you'd ever be as interested in me as i am in you. i realized how incredibly idiotic my daydreams have been, how the term "flight of fancy" is nowhere near sufficient. i think i actually launched myself into space and then somehow ended up orbiting a distant planet in an as-yet unknown galaxy.

i thought a lot about my sins of the past, especially in my relationship with Valerie, and realized that you would never want to get close to something as ugly as i am. even if i am as different now as i believe myself to be, and even if i am correct in believing our (proposed) relationship would be completely different, how could i ever convince you of that?! it makes me laugh to think of it now. implausible is an extremely gracious word to use in this case.

so i will do my best to correct myself. God help me.

passions

the things that excite you are the same things i would pursue if i had no unwanted obligations. this has nothing to do with my feelings for you, in its origin: it's been true for years. Dad's carpentry is probably the original inspiration for the crafting, along with my INTJ-ity. orchestration came from music in general, and concert band and the Church of Christ acapella style in particular.

all boyish obsession aside: it isn't true that i just like saying the word ("Danica"). this whole mess would be very simple to clean up if there were nothing substantial to it.

but there is, and it's the worst thing ever. i could probly do without the frosting, as delectable as it seems it would be. okay maybe i couldn't... but it isn't bothering me the way the cake is bothering me. aside from the fact that the cake isn't (and probably never would be) interested in me, it seems tailor-made for me. sorry for the "it" language.

a closer relationship with you is the best thing that's ever been unavailable to me.

Brandon asked me last night, "should i keep laying low? i know you said you're withdrawing from people. how much of Danica do you want to see? how much of me do you want to see?"

i had a choice at that point to either laugh hysterically or cover my face in shame and angueesh. i chose the latter. laughing would have been disrespectful and way too revealing.

how much do i want to see? just one of the five [maybe six] senses?!

don't be ridiculous, Brandon.

great scott, Marty...

you send me back to junior high.

i've never acted so far below my actual maturity level, as i have been acting recently, because of the way i feel about you. it's like i've suddenly lost 5 toes, at random, and have been asked to do parkour. it's just not do-able, and i'm not the only one who feels crappy when i fail at it.

but maybe this is all for the better because it will be simpler, and even though it will be far more painful for me, perhaps that's actually a good idea, compared to the alternatives.

tonight has taught me that i need to act my age. i'm sorry for my childishness. i feel completely off-balance around you and it's stupid to let that continue. please forgive me, for time, that i've waaaaasted...

invisible ink

i'm having a great deal of difficulty holding to my original decision to avoid you.

i was deep in the throes of a dozen feelings when i made that decision, which of course is part of the reason i made it. i knew that i was uncertain; i knew i was off-balance, and thus it became sort of necessary to sort of over-react.

well, then, perhaps i did not over-react after all, if it was necessary... but at the same time, i realize now that even though i'm depressed and still feeling many things, i am not as compromised as i was. not even close. i feel stronger, more confident. (Tuesday vs. Wednesday.)

but i don't want to confuse you, and i find that discussing my decisions helps to sharpen them. it also helps me execute them. so i've decided to e-mail you indulge myself in order to partially solve some of my emotional constipation.

thing is, i have to censor myself when i e-mail you, which sucks. so here, partly for your entertainment, is how the morning/afternoon of August 6th's e-mail SHOULD have read, with red text being anything i had to censor completely and strikethrough text being anything i had to alter (rather than remove).

~        ~        ~

i don't want you to be confused or unsure, and i feel like writing you all the time but usually can't, so i'm allowing myself some shared words of debatable necessity. it sets my teeth on edge to write so impersonally and guardedly, especially since i have so much mush to gush about and what i really want to do is tear down every wall and turn myself inside out so that nothing is hidden, but i am trying to be more disciplined.

my original decision to avoid close interaction with you was made at a time when i knew i was in one of the most precarious positions in my life. i was overwhelmed by a dozen feelings and thought that an over-reaction was prudent. and i still think it was. had i made the opposite decision, or even a weaker one, i probably would have revealed my true thoughts and feelings soon afterward, and you would have been in an extremely terrible position. what i said at the table was something like, "since you've been a source of comfort for me in the past..." but what i really wanted to say at the time was, "because i want to be with you 24/7/52 until the end of days."

because of the course my marriage has taken since then (i.e. the firm and terrible decisions Valerie has made regarding her attitudes, beliefs, and intentions), and because i have since that Monday night dinner regained a significant portion of my confidence and strength, i do not regret time spent at the Abbotts', nor outside of McDonald's, nor in Target. laughing with you and playing a game with you and enjoying alcohol with you and being invited by [all three of] you was a huge relief from what i was/am going through. i thought that i would regret it, and wondered if i should, but i've decided i do not that i would do it all again and more if any other opportunities had presented themselves.

i DO totally don't regret inviting you to my parents' house (ostensibly to see the improvements to the playhouse and smoke get our Penzance on, but really so that i could have some super-satisfying you-&-me time), and i must take that invitation captive for now. later on i plan to release it into the wild to frolick and gambol and caper and start its own family of little invitation-letts so that there's always some invitation for you to join me in something somewhere anytime.

if at any time you have questions desire to interact with me via any medium whatsoever for any purpose, whether noble or otherwise, i would like opportunities to consider answering them indulge the both of us.

still on fire, and still waiting for something or someone to knock some sense into me,
-i

#discipline

i hate the way i feel, and the situation i'm in. i miss you and the next several hours will be some of the worst of my week.

Valerie told me last night that she couldn't stop thinking about me. there's a longer story behind that but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll tell it later. the point is that i can stop thinking about her, and furthermore i must decide to do so regularly in order to avoid needlessly hurting myself. i have enough pain without thinking consciously about my marriage.

that thinking time should be set aside for situations where i can improve it somehow. this is contrary to my nature but i must set those sharp-edged puzzles aside for a time.

i have yet to find a way to truly conquer my morning depression, but i suspect i will be thinking of you in an attempt to at least dull the experience somewhat. i miss you again.

also on my mind today (and many others) is this PQ for me: could discipline (routine, health, rigorous self-care) be a weapon in my emotional battles?

live music

i am extremely lonely, and the only company i want is you. being with my family helps a little, even though they're all cheerful. the connection i have with you is so nourishing to me. and so potentially dangerous.

music is my substitute for you, for now. it isn't as reliable as you, but it's getting me by. tonight i feel like i'm in  desperate need of a camping trip or some other pleasant escape. do you realize that your company is like that for me? in some ways, you are like a vacation, complete with long drive (on cruise control) and a hammock-bed and dappled shade on a sunny, slightly breezy day. you're like a song i leave on repeat for days. well... weeks, i guess it is now.

your company today and yesterday was soothing & freeing, a huge relief from the weight and pain of this chapter.

you are living music to me.

maybe even a basquillion

i can't express in words, even here in secret, how being invited makes me feel. not just by you-- in general too. but especially by you. when you told me today you genuinely wanted to hang out, i felt like a million dollars. you know we hung out for 19ish hours Sat/Sun?

i don't understand you.

"is this okay?"

you're in a good mood today. and your hair looks extra good. and your voice and your eyes and your thoughts and your laugh and Dayyyaaanicaaa.

eff. my. life.

the sermon today echoes so much of what i rambled about at BF yesterday. i the song we sing says "You make all things work together for my good." in a different situation i'd not misinterpret that line; in fact i would critique most interpretations of it. today i just want to claim it and take advanteege of it.

sooooo you just finished re-de-odorizing, and i hate you right now because you jokingly invited me to look beneath your outer garment, and that's just cruel. i already find you a challenge not to stare at. geez... "is this okay?" ?!?!?! no, Danica, it's dangerously alluring. thanks though.

perhaps it is my fault for the way i joke with you (and Jerad). we joke about boobs and fajitas... why would i expect you to be sensitive to my vulnerability to your body?

i think i will have to email you about it. i don't want to evoke feelings of shame or guilt, but this must be done.

if i find later that you WERE aware of my feelings for you at the time of this incident, there will need to be a reckoning of some kind.

jerk.

secrets

the comment i left on your tumblr is gone, and my jaw is on the floor.

i thought i had it figured out in the shower just now. Danielle was my first non-childish guess. an older man at Biola was my second. and my third guess interpreted the statement as, "i generally have a tendency to feel romantic affection for people i shouldn't."

but now you've ruined those guesses, because my comment could've been (and was originally meant as) "how can there be anyone you shouldn't love the way God says to love?"

but you didn't take it that way. or... maybe you were afraid others would take it the wrong way???

i suppose the deletion could mean something i don't hope it means. but even so, it seems another clue to this man. i for one will think what i want. well... what my heart wants.

fartstravaganza

1st of all: fun. times. i felt like 5th wheel coming over (even though i was 4th), but wow did i need it. my life right now is... ransacked and on fire? purely-for-fun social times are a balm. i am so thankful for generous, welcoming people. i'm glad you didn't feel awkward (or didn't seem to, at least).

2nd of all: you cannot be serious on your tumblr. you cannot do this to me right now. confess ANYTHING else except that. there just isn't any excuse for something like that. perhaps i'm out of line replying... especially with the current embargo (which i myself instituted). but i just couldn't keep my cursor away from the reply button. how can you say something like that RIGHT NOW?!

sorry. apparently i've reverted to junior high. isaiah, let's handle this rationally:

the only plausible explanation is that it's someone else. thoughts of someone else prompted you to write that minutes after hanging out with me. it must be Ryan, or one of Ryan's friends. it's not like you had time to post whilst hanging out, right? so it could be any of those peeps. or maybe this person you love (but shouldn't) isn't even in town. maybe the fun times made you think of him.

that must be it. i must move on. my heart is complaining for some reason. shall i move on? let's move it along.

3rd of all: this is quite bad. i can't stop thinking about it. dang it. lemme start over.

3rd of all: you look really great in PJs. oh eff...

3rd of all: i love that confession-on-tumblr-time fell on a night when you drank. DANGIT--

3rd of all: music and smoking and talking with you today was excellent. not our best work, and lots of frustration and other negative-y-poos involved along the way, but laughter and harmony and theology and real talk and everything else good made up for it.

i feel like confessing as well, but that's pretty much the rest of this blog, so i'll leave you with this, Hypothetica: i wish the word 'confluence' sounded more affectionate and less academeec.

EDIT: i just posted something on tumblr about how being in love with you sucks. but i was roundabout about it.

take that. jerk.

confidant

part of me is in disbelief that i bared my heart to you so fully just now. i'm sure you had no idea i was thinking of you the whole time, but of course that made it more of a rush. it just worked out: it fit the topic, and i wanted so badly to say it. perhaps Jerad suspected, but whatever.

i now understand the origin (or at least, what i hope to be the origin) of the term "secret admirer." i used to think it meant shy crush. now i interpret it literally: one who admires in secret.

thing is, it isn't secret, cause i just told you that i admire you. to your face. in front of a mutual friend. but it's still secret because you have no idea that the admiration goes deeper, nor do you detect the notes of romance. at least i don't think you do.

whatever may pass, thank you for being a trustworthy confidant... for listening to me talk a lot. for really hearing and understanding me, and for responding with valuable words and genuine interest. thank you for valuing me as much as you do (in the way you treat me). it has made a difference.

by the way, i hope you don't feel like you didn't do anything to help me through a hard time. i think i said this in a previous post, but i'll say it again, and expand a tiny: you have helped me. you don't know it, at least not fully, but you did so nonetheless. knowing you care helps, knowing you would have done whatever you could helps, and having someone to talk to helps. having someone close to my age, who is female, who is Christlike, helps.

may God bless your you-time, dear friend, dear confidant. your hypothetical you is an excellent listener. (as the real you is.)

i fervently hope for an opportunity to impress the meaning and depth of these words (all of them, the whole blog) upon your mind and heart. sooner rather than later, if God wills it.

please words

i want to speak but i don't know what to say, and i miss you but can't contact you because i don't have a legitimate business reason. so i photoshopped you. i'm creeping a tiny but who cares. you probably will never see this blog anyway.

essential hobbies

one of the things that clued me in to my affections for you was the quickly lengthening list of things i wanted to do with you on a regular basis. for example, i think sampling and brewing tea is a worthy pursuit, if it can be prioritized and organized well... like on evenings when one makes dinner with someone else who also enjoys tea. it's fun to experiment and learn recipes and make food that's cheaper than going out but tastes just as good or better (and nourishes you well).

also music-listening (without distraction). i'm sorry if that was ever supes awk, but seriously, i will be doing that forever, with or without company. the thing is, i love doing it with company (of a particular kind); not every time, but i would never want to give it up entirely. and i think a couple times a month would not be too much.

we talked one time about meeting every once in awhile to discuss tips on hacking life: understanding some fundamentals from a scientific but very practical, down-to-earth perspective, so that we can do things like sleep well and find reliable sources of motivation.

songwriting is on my list too, although it's often elusive. i think it deserves regular pursuit.

real camping. with hikes (which i used to consider boring), campfire-cooked meals, and tent-hammocks, and photographs, and jaw-dropping views, and waterfalls with secret caves behind them (sans Batman; sorry, but i wouldn't share you). i really wouldn't mind going once a month.

i have to go; this is my lunch break. i have more. i'll add them later.

EDIT: a stretch & exercise routine.makes hikes more fun, and makes me a more energetic person. and i'm emotionally healthier and more motivated when i am working out regularly. doesn't have to be chronic cardio (which i know aggravates your asthma?)... could be tabata sprints. could be burpees (not the gross kind).


i feel like long drives would sort of work their way into a life like this, and i wouldn't want to just go gas-guzzling, but there's something special about the driving portion of a road trip. maybe somethingS special. it deserves mention.


carpentry of some kind. perhaps restoring eld furniture, or building from scratch if the resources are available.


Evan & Allison read to each other. i'm jealous of both of them. even if the book weren't discussion-evoking, i could easily get used to having someone (okay, you) read to me. and vice versa.


i can't decide if wine and tobacco need their own bullet point, when i've already mentioned making dinner, tea, camping, and music. this one might be like driving: it gets integrated into the rest.

absence makes the heart grow

this is the scale:

1. doing music
2. the above, with good instrumentalists
3. the above, plus good vocalists
4. the above, plus they are your close friends
5. the above, plus you're musically accustomed to each other and therefore mesh naturally
6. doing music with you

satisfaction might be not quite the right word. i find that it's much like the first ginger beer i had: it was delicious, but it made me want more, and so i had some more, which made me want more even more... repeat ad voluptatem.

i realize i was especially biased tonight. i realize i was deprived for what seemed like ages (a week or two), and the need had been sort of building. yes, i needed the opportunity for self-expression. and yes, my feelings for you compounded it all. plus they were both songs i like anyway.

but even when none of those circumstances are in place, the scale above is accurate. if i could do music with only one person for the rest of my life... i would make that person eggs and lightly sweetened iced black tea.

thank you for including me tonight. and for the maj7.

a different indulgence

tonight was the most painful. i guess it's because it was the first time i'd seen Val in person since she left. i got through the evening okay, but when i got home, i just sat for awhile, trying to work up the motivation to work on the to-dos.

but i just bawled instead. by the way i'm almost sorry that i'm posting this here, but i don't want to talk to anyone else about it, and i don't want to blog it publicly. so i need privacy and someone who will empathize. that makes this blog the magic.

anyway i cried because of the pain she caused me (in the past and recently and tonight when we met at church). but i also cried because of the pain i caused her. i really hated myself.

i am starting to feel the things that i guess people who divorce would feel. i feel filthy, more sinful than i have ever felt. i feel like this disqualifies me from having healthy intimate relationships anymore; or even if it doesn't, people will still think it does, which is kinda worse. i feel like i failed in the part of life that mattered the most. i feel like i failed not just Val but God, and my family, and my friends. i even feel like i'm betraying myself.

i feel like i will never be free from this unbearable pain. i feel like i cannot be comforted. i feel like i cannot be redeemed. i feel like i am not worthy of anything good. i feel like i cannot make good decisions, which is the most disorienting feeling i've ever felt. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and all of Valerie's critiques and insults and attacks are valid.

i feel like i'm headed for even greater disaster somehow, like this is just me getting caught in the whirlpool's outer rim, and drowning is inevitable. i feel like guilt and shame will follow me all the days of my life.

worst of all, i am having trouble thinking through any of this. it's overwhelming my usually sufficient barriers and places of strength.

i have begged friends for prayer and they have immediately complied. i have now blogged, and even though there is much i want to vomit out (and need to), i don't think i can do that here and now. thank goodness, right?

my feelings have never before overrun me to this degree, for this long. i feel ransacked, enslaved, abused... and i cannot fight it. at least, i don't know how.

i should tell you that your empathy has meant the world to me, and i wish more than anything right now that you could be here to comfort me with it. i think i could fall asleep without difficulty, which will certainly not be the case tonight. i tell you that not to invoke more empathy but to say thank you, and to place value on your friendship.

divorce is not yet final, but i expect no other outcome without God's direct intervention, for which i am waiting for two months or until Val becomes too impatient.

i look forward to the end.