sixteenteen

i'm sorry for not acting my age. and i'm sorry for saying that you send me back to junior high; that was false. my feelings and flaws send me back to junior high. you just happen to be around (in my life or in my mind) when they do. that's different.

i spent a great deal of time today reflecting, because i had to drive to Ridgecrest for work. that's two hours past Bakersfield, in the Mojave desert. so it's a 4-hour drive one-way if i don't stop. Kyle kept me company while i got to know myself a little better.

i reflected on my selfishness, my immaturity, and my mistakes. i don't know why i allowed my fooleeshness to go this far, but i know that my self-awareness has been at an all-time low, which makes things very dangerous for me and those around me. i have no excuses, but i do have a few explanations... if they matter at all, perhaps i'll one day share more of them.

anyways i also reflected on how implausible it is that you'd ever be as interested in me as i am in you. i realized how incredibly idiotic my daydreams have been, how the term "flight of fancy" is nowhere near sufficient. i think i actually launched myself into space and then somehow ended up orbiting a distant planet in an as-yet unknown galaxy.

i thought a lot about my sins of the past, especially in my relationship with Valerie, and realized that you would never want to get close to something as ugly as i am. even if i am as different now as i believe myself to be, and even if i am correct in believing our (proposed) relationship would be completely different, how could i ever convince you of that?! it makes me laugh to think of it now. implausible is an extremely gracious word to use in this case.

so i will do my best to correct myself. God help me.