love/hate

thanks for talking to me about all your serious crushes, and how other guys have made you feel desirable.

i can't decide whether tonight's conversation helped me more or hurt me more. you showed deep and thoughtful appreciation for me, allowed me to do something meaningful (and intimate-ish) for you, shared some of your dreams, indulged my questions about your perspective of me, trusted me, valued me.

and you talked to me about your romantic life and hopes and experiences.

okay so i don't hate you. but i'm hurt a lot so i'll use the "h" word if i want.

i say this over and over, but i have to vent it again: there must be thousands upon thousands of words i have not shared with you, that are lost to the ether (they're not even on this blog). many of them i think you would have cherished... ITWD.

eff my life. but it's superbly blessed of God. but eff anyway.