bullets

"withdraw from people, run away (literally), run to another person and quickly get into a relationship based on rash decisions, let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions, respond in anger at valerie, etc."

• withdraw from people 
  Evan and Allison have sent me at least ten texts each since i got back from camp. they even left baked treats at my doorstep when i never responded. they've e-mailed me as well. Brandon, closest male friend in this chapter, actually laid low for awhile because he knew about Val leaving but didn't attempt to warn me.
  
  i stopped gaming with him and Taylor and Ug on Wednesday nights, but i cancel each week because each time i hope that i'll feel good enough to have fun with them again. i also stopped gaming with Dave (Caleb's brother) and three other guys who normally depend on me as a team member. no notice given.
  
  i deleted my Facebook... well, that one's sort of obvious and kind of understandable by most who know my situation, i suppose. wouldn't that be great: to get a cornucopia of John Relphs leaving me messages and wallposts and pokes meant to cheer me up or advise me? =P
 
• run to another person and quickly get into a relationship
  this blog may not qualify, but it's certainly a step in that direction. if not for my recent re-awakening, i probably would have rambled on without restraint for weeks about how utterly desirable you are, never admitting to myself, "isaiah, i think you might be feeding something that isn't ever going to be sated. furthermore, it's getting stronger."
  
  the truth is that i still make plans about how to tell you about my feelings. i invite you to Yard House for your first Kostritzer and ask you to bring whatever you wrote me 'while i was gone'. i drive to La Mirada and ask if you have time to assist me in photographing the sun setting over the ocean (sometimes there's a lot of gear to carry... yeah). i arrange a surprise picnic on your campus. i write a serenade. i make a dinner paired to Apotheec White and light candles like i normally do (haha). i may not be running in to another relationship, but wow, i sure know how to make myself feel like i am (and get away with it).
 
• let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions 
  geez. i think i've posted enough about this one, publicly and privately...
 
• respond in anger at Valerie 
  this may be the one i've conquered most in my time as a married peep. i will receive this part of your encouragement with little to no reservation, friend, for the amount of anger i could have allowed myself would have surely destroyed myself in part and my marriage in whole.

i desperately crave your in-person encouragement, and the incredible peace and warmth that would infuse me through conversation with you about the deep things of my life. a shoulder-touch would be especially appreciated right now.

perhaps later.