perspective

i had an extremely valuable 4-hr conversation with Jerad today at the buff. not all of it was actionable, but some was, and i realize now that one of the most important things for an introvert to seek out in others is outside perspective itself.

i do not always remember to take off my lenses and put on those of others. in most cases it happens when i forget that i am wearing certain lenses. Jerad helps me to notice them.

i am making progress in letting go of my fantasy future. i hope that doing so will benefit both you & me in the long run.

i still miss you terribly. i act on what i think is best, but i hope for what i think would be the most enjoyable (i.e. you). but i have to wrap my mind around reality, and make decisions partly based on what is most likely or the worst-case scenario, and i can no longer, in good conscience at least, indulge myself in fruitless dreams. they themselves may not be wrong, but they may mislead me if i do not rein them in.

i do not know what will happen between us. i hope for many good things. i must plan on not very many good things. i hate giving you up; i hate losing anything we have or had or could have. but i must prepare myself to do so anyway, without throwing a fit or wallowing in my negative emotions.

i value every moment spent with you, even the painful ones. i will look back on our friendship with great thankfulness for the joy and the learning and the hard work and everything else.

this is my first "goodbye friend." i think i may need many more, but i should probably begin now. so...

goodbye friend. it was nice fun cool interesting difficult incredible knowing you.