FML

most likely this post will contain nothing productive or constructive. i just need to vent. i really hope it isn't just the lack of inhibitions due to alcohol...

i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.

my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.

well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.

but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.

"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.

"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."

translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.

i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.

i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.

that does not change what i experience on my side.

i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!

fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.

goodnight friend. i love you.