tonight was the most painful. i guess it's because it was the first time i'd seen Val in person since she left. i got through the evening okay, but when i got home, i just sat for awhile, trying to work up the motivation to work on the to-dos.
but i just bawled instead. by the way i'm almost sorry that i'm posting this here, but i don't want to talk to anyone else about it, and i don't want to blog it publicly. so i need privacy and someone who will empathize. that makes this blog the magic.
anyway i cried because of the pain she caused me (in the past and recently and tonight when we met at church). but i also cried because of the pain i caused her. i really hated myself.
i am starting to feel the things that i guess people who divorce would feel. i feel filthy, more sinful than i have ever felt. i feel like this disqualifies me from having healthy intimate relationships anymore; or even if it doesn't, people will still think it does, which is kinda worse. i feel like i failed in the part of life that mattered the most. i feel like i failed not just Val but God, and my family, and my friends. i even feel like i'm betraying myself.
i feel like i will never be free from this unbearable pain. i feel like i cannot be comforted. i feel like i cannot be redeemed. i feel like i am not worthy of anything good. i feel like i cannot make good decisions, which is the most disorienting feeling i've ever felt. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and all of Valerie's critiques and insults and attacks are valid.
i feel like i'm headed for even greater disaster somehow, like this is just me getting caught in the whirlpool's outer rim, and drowning is inevitable. i feel like guilt and shame will follow me all the days of my life.
worst of all, i am having trouble thinking through any of this. it's overwhelming my usually sufficient barriers and places of strength.
i have begged friends for prayer and they have immediately complied. i have now blogged, and even though there is much i want to vomit out (and need to), i don't think i can do that here and now. thank goodness, right?
my feelings have never before overrun me to this degree, for this long. i feel ransacked, enslaved, abused... and i cannot fight it. at least, i don't know how.
i should tell you that your empathy has meant the world to me, and i wish more than anything right now that you could be here to comfort me with it. i think i could fall asleep without difficulty, which will certainly not be the case tonight. i tell you that not to invoke more empathy but to say thank you, and to place value on your friendship.
divorce is not yet final, but i expect no other outcome without God's direct intervention, for which i am waiting for two months or until Val becomes too impatient.
i look forward to the end.
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