private service announcement

tonight, against all of my expectations, Valerie agreed to reconsider her position, on the condition that those conversations take place in the context of professional counseling. i told her i'd consider it, and that we'd talk about it tomorrow night.

as i type this, i'm also adding album art to my tumblr post... the one with greg laswell's song "sweet dream."

it is perfect, and painful.

• this new possibility of not-divorce has me reeling. i'm troubled, thinking of the risk of giving Valerie another chance. i think the word is "trepidation," but i don't know the adjectival form. 
• i'm also worried that i will have to put down (in the same way as one would an already-dying animal) my fantasy about you. it is no mere sweet dream; it is a real and deep desire, something i have not only felt but considered and reconsidered and found to be complex and real and wholly desirable. (and terrible.) i feel it will not die easily, even if it becomes truly and urgently necessary that i kill it.
• i don't think counseling will change who Valerie is. i think it may change, temporarily, the things she believes. but that doesn't solve our problem, and it doesn't make it wise to re-dedicate to each other.
• i want you. i don't want anyone else. i want to reconcile with Valerie, but i don't want to be married to her anymore. i want her to go away and live her life apart from mine. i want a chance to do things right from step 1. i don't want to give myself again to someone who constantly challenges my commitments.
• i'm too tired to do any more productive introspecting tonight. 

i miss you, as always. your surprise text tonight was fantastic (literally). thank you.