invisible ink

i'm having a great deal of difficulty holding to my original decision to avoid you.

i was deep in the throes of a dozen feelings when i made that decision, which of course is part of the reason i made it. i knew that i was uncertain; i knew i was off-balance, and thus it became sort of necessary to sort of over-react.

well, then, perhaps i did not over-react after all, if it was necessary... but at the same time, i realize now that even though i'm depressed and still feeling many things, i am not as compromised as i was. not even close. i feel stronger, more confident. (Tuesday vs. Wednesday.)

but i don't want to confuse you, and i find that discussing my decisions helps to sharpen them. it also helps me execute them. so i've decided to e-mail you indulge myself in order to partially solve some of my emotional constipation.

thing is, i have to censor myself when i e-mail you, which sucks. so here, partly for your entertainment, is how the morning/afternoon of August 6th's e-mail SHOULD have read, with red text being anything i had to censor completely and strikethrough text being anything i had to alter (rather than remove).

~        ~        ~

i don't want you to be confused or unsure, and i feel like writing you all the time but usually can't, so i'm allowing myself some shared words of debatable necessity. it sets my teeth on edge to write so impersonally and guardedly, especially since i have so much mush to gush about and what i really want to do is tear down every wall and turn myself inside out so that nothing is hidden, but i am trying to be more disciplined.

my original decision to avoid close interaction with you was made at a time when i knew i was in one of the most precarious positions in my life. i was overwhelmed by a dozen feelings and thought that an over-reaction was prudent. and i still think it was. had i made the opposite decision, or even a weaker one, i probably would have revealed my true thoughts and feelings soon afterward, and you would have been in an extremely terrible position. what i said at the table was something like, "since you've been a source of comfort for me in the past..." but what i really wanted to say at the time was, "because i want to be with you 24/7/52 until the end of days."

because of the course my marriage has taken since then (i.e. the firm and terrible decisions Valerie has made regarding her attitudes, beliefs, and intentions), and because i have since that Monday night dinner regained a significant portion of my confidence and strength, i do not regret time spent at the Abbotts', nor outside of McDonald's, nor in Target. laughing with you and playing a game with you and enjoying alcohol with you and being invited by [all three of] you was a huge relief from what i was/am going through. i thought that i would regret it, and wondered if i should, but i've decided i do not that i would do it all again and more if any other opportunities had presented themselves.

i DO totally don't regret inviting you to my parents' house (ostensibly to see the improvements to the playhouse and smoke get our Penzance on, but really so that i could have some super-satisfying you-&-me time), and i must take that invitation captive for now. later on i plan to release it into the wild to frolick and gambol and caper and start its own family of little invitation-letts so that there's always some invitation for you to join me in something somewhere anytime.

if at any time you have questions desire to interact with me via any medium whatsoever for any purpose, whether noble or otherwise, i would like opportunities to consider answering them indulge the both of us.

still on fire, and still waiting for something or someone to knock some sense into me,
-i