this is basically just a feelings-landfill now

i already gave you the confluence speech and explained how i just want more friendypoos with you than i ever have with anyone else (to the point where the hypothetical 'we' would have to admit that it isn't simply friendshipypoo anymore), so now apparently it's ventypoo.blogspot.com.

i give of myself over and over, and it's 50/50 whether Val will like it and ask for more, or spit venom at me. i dislike mistreatment, but it's especially hurtful when it comes as a reply to love. i feel like vomiting through my eyes and gushing tears out my mouth. that doesn't make sense. my brain is fried from too much emotional vulnerability and i hate being separated from you and what i really hope is that Valerie gets fed up at all of my kind and vulnerable acts and just divorces me so i can tell you how i feel and ask you to give you & me a chance at some point in the future.

i really don't have this attitude all the time. elsewhere i pray (publicly and privately) and give voice to my morals and commitments. here (this time anyway) is vomit.blogspot.com.

i may delete this later.

typithetica

just another typical day of feeling like the feeling of wishing i could spend about 85% of the day with you is increasing by about 85% every day. this weekend was a very low doseege, so i shouldn't be surprised.

come run errands with me.

[sh]it comes and goes in waves

i am in it so deep.

when will i be free from this mess? i miss you more than i've ever missed anything except Jesus (that is NOT a joke; i have painfully missed human-Jesus many times). you're the person i should be avoiding, unfriending, blocking, ignoring.

but it burns like a mother, and EFF does it hurt to have so many unanswered questions in this area. and it hurts to be separated from you. even if i weren't romantically invested in you at all, i would hate being separated from you, because YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST FRIENDS I'VE EVER HAD AND I HATE THAT THAT IS RUINED.

a post of substance!!

i feel i've hit a milestone of some kind.

i have re-read some of our Facebook message conversations, and realized that there's quite a bit unsaid... on both sides. this whole time i've been thinking i'm the one holding back, restraining myself, and perhaps that is true now. but i have unanswered questions, friend, and you are the only one who knows.

this blog has been about desperate longings, and i felt slightly ashamed to have them and to be spilling them so dramatically... and so i am now quite taken aback as i discover that i've left one longing unturned. i long to know what needs i was meeting when you withdrew from me, and whether that situation was entirely bad for you or not.

if things had been different... if i hadn't been married... would we have abandoned our friendship? would you have withdrawn enough to make me frustrated and angry?

this is foolish. i can't possibly list all the questions i am feeling; i haven't process enough. realization and complete analysis are two different things. i will let it stew for now.

but know that we have unfinished business, Hypothetica. and if there is even the slightest chance of finishing it, i will do so., even if it means saying goodbye forever and completely. i care about you a great deal, and will do what is necessary for your life to be what it should, insofar as that depends on my choices as someone close to you.

DTR. eff.

i think i've got blog in my eyes -_-

the night's a blur.

i remember wanting to blog here several times, but i'm too out of it now to try to remember all of those precise thoughts. i have a feeling they were all repost-y anyway... random thoughts about your attracteeveness and how i might go about showing you the depth of my desire and why it would be such a good idea to give me everything i want.... you know, just stuff you'd expect to find at a youth all-nighter in such a selfish person.

i'm kind of embarrassed about my comment on your aesthetic value (to me personally). sorry. probly shouldn't've said that.

i also had many thoughts and feelings of jealousy as i watched you interact with them otha olda boys, with whom you spend a great deal of time and on a regular basis. wow. i am angry about that.

i had a dream just now, during my recovery-sleep. i dreamt that i told you your music was priceless and needed to be shared with the whole world, or something like that. i woke up missing you, which kinda helped me orient myself as briefly panicked about being late to Sunday morning worship practice.

this post is junk. i miss you. please come to dinner with me tonight.

sea of green and moonlight

i remember what my backyard looked like a decade and a half ago. No playhouse, no concrete strip around the outside, no swing set. a few old pecan trees. mostly dirt and weeds. hardly any shade.

now the oak and the raywood and the camphor are thirty-five feet tall, and their silhouettes against the moonlight still me. the air is perfect; i can feel the slight warmth of my oil lamp on my face from a foot away, where it casts flickering shadows on the unfinished wood of the table, and on my humidor.

my family is near but asleep. my friends are Penzance and Awake and Maurissa Tancharoen... and two cats, who read my mind and decided to keep me company from a short distance. i think their names are Babette and General Custard-Butt. (no joke.)

i would have once called this a perfect 3am. i would have changed nothing. but in this chapter, i can't help but imagine a few changes.

if my picnic table and bench were a skychair instead. if the green before me were a vineyard. if the moon were full. if i had my own JRR instead of T's loaner. if i didn't have to work in 4 hours.

and, if the skychair were a double. if someone offered me a refill for the iced tea. if i had live music-- living music-- within arm's reach. if i were splitting my iPod's signal. if i could pause and share these thoughts aloud in between song repetitions, with a person instead of a blog. if i could feel a few fingertips on my shoulder every now and then. if the breeze were just two degrees or so cooler, to compensate for the extra warmth i'd feel.

if things were very different.

the youzh

tonight, i missed you the way i used to. it was refreshing. it was almost normal enough that i could even ignore it like i used to.

i still thought about you all day long. but it was bearable.

i guess that's all i have to say this time. see you tomorrow...

day 15

i find this peaceful not only in the world's day and age, but in mine. in fact this might be the most peaceful moment i've had since 6-20.

it's not just your post; it's been that kind of evening. a late nap and twilight and more re-reading of journals and re-remembering of who i am.

to the tune of a soundtrack from one of my fav movies, i read your post and-- actually, it's funny because i check tumblr eighty times a day anticipating new things from you, but this time i was just reloading the page out of internet-surfing-habit (right after posting myself), and there it was: a reminder that i really am as foolish and prone to wander (in this chapter) as i feared i was. well, maybe not anymore; i mean, i'm turning pages. but for awhile there it was pretty bad. i actually had to have an impromptu conversation with Jerad about it between services this last Sundee.

i am so relieved. if there were ever a person you shouldn't... not that you would, or even could. but if you could, and if you would, you shouldn't.

i guess relief isn't the only feeling. but it's dominant, which i'll take as a sign that i really am turning pages.

#bookmarks

bullets

"withdraw from people, run away (literally), run to another person and quickly get into a relationship based on rash decisions, let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions, respond in anger at valerie, etc."

• withdraw from people 
  Evan and Allison have sent me at least ten texts each since i got back from camp. they even left baked treats at my doorstep when i never responded. they've e-mailed me as well. Brandon, closest male friend in this chapter, actually laid low for awhile because he knew about Val leaving but didn't attempt to warn me.
  
  i stopped gaming with him and Taylor and Ug on Wednesday nights, but i cancel each week because each time i hope that i'll feel good enough to have fun with them again. i also stopped gaming with Dave (Caleb's brother) and three other guys who normally depend on me as a team member. no notice given.
  
  i deleted my Facebook... well, that one's sort of obvious and kind of understandable by most who know my situation, i suppose. wouldn't that be great: to get a cornucopia of John Relphs leaving me messages and wallposts and pokes meant to cheer me up or advise me? =P
 
• run to another person and quickly get into a relationship
  this blog may not qualify, but it's certainly a step in that direction. if not for my recent re-awakening, i probably would have rambled on without restraint for weeks about how utterly desirable you are, never admitting to myself, "isaiah, i think you might be feeding something that isn't ever going to be sated. furthermore, it's getting stronger."
  
  the truth is that i still make plans about how to tell you about my feelings. i invite you to Yard House for your first Kostritzer and ask you to bring whatever you wrote me 'while i was gone'. i drive to La Mirada and ask if you have time to assist me in photographing the sun setting over the ocean (sometimes there's a lot of gear to carry... yeah). i arrange a surprise picnic on your campus. i write a serenade. i make a dinner paired to Apotheec White and light candles like i normally do (haha). i may not be running in to another relationship, but wow, i sure know how to make myself feel like i am (and get away with it).
 
• let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions 
  geez. i think i've posted enough about this one, publicly and privately...
 
• respond in anger at Valerie 
  this may be the one i've conquered most in my time as a married peep. i will receive this part of your encouragement with little to no reservation, friend, for the amount of anger i could have allowed myself would have surely destroyed myself in part and my marriage in whole.

i desperately crave your in-person encouragement, and the incredible peace and warmth that would infuse me through conversation with you about the deep things of my life. a shoulder-touch would be especially appreciated right now.

perhaps later.

woe to my face & height

things are a little calmer in isaiah-land. yesterday was important. in a way, you panicking at dinner the day before was a great thing for me: it made me stop and think, "what am i doing? did i do that?" and then of course i responded, "i did do that... eff!!"

you didn't do it to give me an opportunity to show some actual wisdom (i don't have any clue what wisdom you think i'm showing so far), but it worked out that way. i feel closer to my actual age. i feel confident that i can hide several of my feelings from you without pitying myself and moping.

unfortunately i am still shorter than you, and can't really do much of a beard... but i have matured enough to not cry about that. in public.

sixteenteen

i'm sorry for not acting my age. and i'm sorry for saying that you send me back to junior high; that was false. my feelings and flaws send me back to junior high. you just happen to be around (in my life or in my mind) when they do. that's different.

i spent a great deal of time today reflecting, because i had to drive to Ridgecrest for work. that's two hours past Bakersfield, in the Mojave desert. so it's a 4-hour drive one-way if i don't stop. Kyle kept me company while i got to know myself a little better.

i reflected on my selfishness, my immaturity, and my mistakes. i don't know why i allowed my fooleeshness to go this far, but i know that my self-awareness has been at an all-time low, which makes things very dangerous for me and those around me. i have no excuses, but i do have a few explanations... if they matter at all, perhaps i'll one day share more of them.

anyways i also reflected on how implausible it is that you'd ever be as interested in me as i am in you. i realized how incredibly idiotic my daydreams have been, how the term "flight of fancy" is nowhere near sufficient. i think i actually launched myself into space and then somehow ended up orbiting a distant planet in an as-yet unknown galaxy.

i thought a lot about my sins of the past, especially in my relationship with Valerie, and realized that you would never want to get close to something as ugly as i am. even if i am as different now as i believe myself to be, and even if i am correct in believing our (proposed) relationship would be completely different, how could i ever convince you of that?! it makes me laugh to think of it now. implausible is an extremely gracious word to use in this case.

so i will do my best to correct myself. God help me.

passions

the things that excite you are the same things i would pursue if i had no unwanted obligations. this has nothing to do with my feelings for you, in its origin: it's been true for years. Dad's carpentry is probably the original inspiration for the crafting, along with my INTJ-ity. orchestration came from music in general, and concert band and the Church of Christ acapella style in particular.

all boyish obsession aside: it isn't true that i just like saying the word ("Danica"). this whole mess would be very simple to clean up if there were nothing substantial to it.

but there is, and it's the worst thing ever. i could probly do without the frosting, as delectable as it seems it would be. okay maybe i couldn't... but it isn't bothering me the way the cake is bothering me. aside from the fact that the cake isn't (and probably never would be) interested in me, it seems tailor-made for me. sorry for the "it" language.

a closer relationship with you is the best thing that's ever been unavailable to me.

Brandon asked me last night, "should i keep laying low? i know you said you're withdrawing from people. how much of Danica do you want to see? how much of me do you want to see?"

i had a choice at that point to either laugh hysterically or cover my face in shame and angueesh. i chose the latter. laughing would have been disrespectful and way too revealing.

how much do i want to see? just one of the five [maybe six] senses?!

don't be ridiculous, Brandon.

great scott, Marty...

you send me back to junior high.

i've never acted so far below my actual maturity level, as i have been acting recently, because of the way i feel about you. it's like i've suddenly lost 5 toes, at random, and have been asked to do parkour. it's just not do-able, and i'm not the only one who feels crappy when i fail at it.

but maybe this is all for the better because it will be simpler, and even though it will be far more painful for me, perhaps that's actually a good idea, compared to the alternatives.

tonight has taught me that i need to act my age. i'm sorry for my childishness. i feel completely off-balance around you and it's stupid to let that continue. please forgive me, for time, that i've waaaaasted...

invisible ink

i'm having a great deal of difficulty holding to my original decision to avoid you.

i was deep in the throes of a dozen feelings when i made that decision, which of course is part of the reason i made it. i knew that i was uncertain; i knew i was off-balance, and thus it became sort of necessary to sort of over-react.

well, then, perhaps i did not over-react after all, if it was necessary... but at the same time, i realize now that even though i'm depressed and still feeling many things, i am not as compromised as i was. not even close. i feel stronger, more confident. (Tuesday vs. Wednesday.)

but i don't want to confuse you, and i find that discussing my decisions helps to sharpen them. it also helps me execute them. so i've decided to e-mail you indulge myself in order to partially solve some of my emotional constipation.

thing is, i have to censor myself when i e-mail you, which sucks. so here, partly for your entertainment, is how the morning/afternoon of August 6th's e-mail SHOULD have read, with red text being anything i had to censor completely and strikethrough text being anything i had to alter (rather than remove).

~        ~        ~

i don't want you to be confused or unsure, and i feel like writing you all the time but usually can't, so i'm allowing myself some shared words of debatable necessity. it sets my teeth on edge to write so impersonally and guardedly, especially since i have so much mush to gush about and what i really want to do is tear down every wall and turn myself inside out so that nothing is hidden, but i am trying to be more disciplined.

my original decision to avoid close interaction with you was made at a time when i knew i was in one of the most precarious positions in my life. i was overwhelmed by a dozen feelings and thought that an over-reaction was prudent. and i still think it was. had i made the opposite decision, or even a weaker one, i probably would have revealed my true thoughts and feelings soon afterward, and you would have been in an extremely terrible position. what i said at the table was something like, "since you've been a source of comfort for me in the past..." but what i really wanted to say at the time was, "because i want to be with you 24/7/52 until the end of days."

because of the course my marriage has taken since then (i.e. the firm and terrible decisions Valerie has made regarding her attitudes, beliefs, and intentions), and because i have since that Monday night dinner regained a significant portion of my confidence and strength, i do not regret time spent at the Abbotts', nor outside of McDonald's, nor in Target. laughing with you and playing a game with you and enjoying alcohol with you and being invited by [all three of] you was a huge relief from what i was/am going through. i thought that i would regret it, and wondered if i should, but i've decided i do not that i would do it all again and more if any other opportunities had presented themselves.

i DO totally don't regret inviting you to my parents' house (ostensibly to see the improvements to the playhouse and smoke get our Penzance on, but really so that i could have some super-satisfying you-&-me time), and i must take that invitation captive for now. later on i plan to release it into the wild to frolick and gambol and caper and start its own family of little invitation-letts so that there's always some invitation for you to join me in something somewhere anytime.

if at any time you have questions desire to interact with me via any medium whatsoever for any purpose, whether noble or otherwise, i would like opportunities to consider answering them indulge the both of us.

still on fire, and still waiting for something or someone to knock some sense into me,
-i

#discipline

i hate the way i feel, and the situation i'm in. i miss you and the next several hours will be some of the worst of my week.

Valerie told me last night that she couldn't stop thinking about me. there's a longer story behind that but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll tell it later. the point is that i can stop thinking about her, and furthermore i must decide to do so regularly in order to avoid needlessly hurting myself. i have enough pain without thinking consciously about my marriage.

that thinking time should be set aside for situations where i can improve it somehow. this is contrary to my nature but i must set those sharp-edged puzzles aside for a time.

i have yet to find a way to truly conquer my morning depression, but i suspect i will be thinking of you in an attempt to at least dull the experience somewhat. i miss you again.

also on my mind today (and many others) is this PQ for me: could discipline (routine, health, rigorous self-care) be a weapon in my emotional battles?

live music

i am extremely lonely, and the only company i want is you. being with my family helps a little, even though they're all cheerful. the connection i have with you is so nourishing to me. and so potentially dangerous.

music is my substitute for you, for now. it isn't as reliable as you, but it's getting me by. tonight i feel like i'm in  desperate need of a camping trip or some other pleasant escape. do you realize that your company is like that for me? in some ways, you are like a vacation, complete with long drive (on cruise control) and a hammock-bed and dappled shade on a sunny, slightly breezy day. you're like a song i leave on repeat for days. well... weeks, i guess it is now.

your company today and yesterday was soothing & freeing, a huge relief from the weight and pain of this chapter.

you are living music to me.

maybe even a basquillion

i can't express in words, even here in secret, how being invited makes me feel. not just by you-- in general too. but especially by you. when you told me today you genuinely wanted to hang out, i felt like a million dollars. you know we hung out for 19ish hours Sat/Sun?

i don't understand you.

"is this okay?"

you're in a good mood today. and your hair looks extra good. and your voice and your eyes and your thoughts and your laugh and Dayyyaaanicaaa.

eff. my. life.

the sermon today echoes so much of what i rambled about at BF yesterday. i the song we sing says "You make all things work together for my good." in a different situation i'd not misinterpret that line; in fact i would critique most interpretations of it. today i just want to claim it and take advanteege of it.

sooooo you just finished re-de-odorizing, and i hate you right now because you jokingly invited me to look beneath your outer garment, and that's just cruel. i already find you a challenge not to stare at. geez... "is this okay?" ?!?!?! no, Danica, it's dangerously alluring. thanks though.

perhaps it is my fault for the way i joke with you (and Jerad). we joke about boobs and fajitas... why would i expect you to be sensitive to my vulnerability to your body?

i think i will have to email you about it. i don't want to evoke feelings of shame or guilt, but this must be done.

if i find later that you WERE aware of my feelings for you at the time of this incident, there will need to be a reckoning of some kind.

jerk.

secrets

the comment i left on your tumblr is gone, and my jaw is on the floor.

i thought i had it figured out in the shower just now. Danielle was my first non-childish guess. an older man at Biola was my second. and my third guess interpreted the statement as, "i generally have a tendency to feel romantic affection for people i shouldn't."

but now you've ruined those guesses, because my comment could've been (and was originally meant as) "how can there be anyone you shouldn't love the way God says to love?"

but you didn't take it that way. or... maybe you were afraid others would take it the wrong way???

i suppose the deletion could mean something i don't hope it means. but even so, it seems another clue to this man. i for one will think what i want. well... what my heart wants.

fartstravaganza

1st of all: fun. times. i felt like 5th wheel coming over (even though i was 4th), but wow did i need it. my life right now is... ransacked and on fire? purely-for-fun social times are a balm. i am so thankful for generous, welcoming people. i'm glad you didn't feel awkward (or didn't seem to, at least).

2nd of all: you cannot be serious on your tumblr. you cannot do this to me right now. confess ANYTHING else except that. there just isn't any excuse for something like that. perhaps i'm out of line replying... especially with the current embargo (which i myself instituted). but i just couldn't keep my cursor away from the reply button. how can you say something like that RIGHT NOW?!

sorry. apparently i've reverted to junior high. isaiah, let's handle this rationally:

the only plausible explanation is that it's someone else. thoughts of someone else prompted you to write that minutes after hanging out with me. it must be Ryan, or one of Ryan's friends. it's not like you had time to post whilst hanging out, right? so it could be any of those peeps. or maybe this person you love (but shouldn't) isn't even in town. maybe the fun times made you think of him.

that must be it. i must move on. my heart is complaining for some reason. shall i move on? let's move it along.

3rd of all: this is quite bad. i can't stop thinking about it. dang it. lemme start over.

3rd of all: you look really great in PJs. oh eff...

3rd of all: i love that confession-on-tumblr-time fell on a night when you drank. DANGIT--

3rd of all: music and smoking and talking with you today was excellent. not our best work, and lots of frustration and other negative-y-poos involved along the way, but laughter and harmony and theology and real talk and everything else good made up for it.

i feel like confessing as well, but that's pretty much the rest of this blog, so i'll leave you with this, Hypothetica: i wish the word 'confluence' sounded more affectionate and less academeec.

EDIT: i just posted something on tumblr about how being in love with you sucks. but i was roundabout about it.

take that. jerk.

confidant

part of me is in disbelief that i bared my heart to you so fully just now. i'm sure you had no idea i was thinking of you the whole time, but of course that made it more of a rush. it just worked out: it fit the topic, and i wanted so badly to say it. perhaps Jerad suspected, but whatever.

i now understand the origin (or at least, what i hope to be the origin) of the term "secret admirer." i used to think it meant shy crush. now i interpret it literally: one who admires in secret.

thing is, it isn't secret, cause i just told you that i admire you. to your face. in front of a mutual friend. but it's still secret because you have no idea that the admiration goes deeper, nor do you detect the notes of romance. at least i don't think you do.

whatever may pass, thank you for being a trustworthy confidant... for listening to me talk a lot. for really hearing and understanding me, and for responding with valuable words and genuine interest. thank you for valuing me as much as you do (in the way you treat me). it has made a difference.

by the way, i hope you don't feel like you didn't do anything to help me through a hard time. i think i said this in a previous post, but i'll say it again, and expand a tiny: you have helped me. you don't know it, at least not fully, but you did so nonetheless. knowing you care helps, knowing you would have done whatever you could helps, and having someone to talk to helps. having someone close to my age, who is female, who is Christlike, helps.

may God bless your you-time, dear friend, dear confidant. your hypothetical you is an excellent listener. (as the real you is.)

i fervently hope for an opportunity to impress the meaning and depth of these words (all of them, the whole blog) upon your mind and heart. sooner rather than later, if God wills it.

please words

i want to speak but i don't know what to say, and i miss you but can't contact you because i don't have a legitimate business reason. so i photoshopped you. i'm creeping a tiny but who cares. you probably will never see this blog anyway.

essential hobbies

one of the things that clued me in to my affections for you was the quickly lengthening list of things i wanted to do with you on a regular basis. for example, i think sampling and brewing tea is a worthy pursuit, if it can be prioritized and organized well... like on evenings when one makes dinner with someone else who also enjoys tea. it's fun to experiment and learn recipes and make food that's cheaper than going out but tastes just as good or better (and nourishes you well).

also music-listening (without distraction). i'm sorry if that was ever supes awk, but seriously, i will be doing that forever, with or without company. the thing is, i love doing it with company (of a particular kind); not every time, but i would never want to give it up entirely. and i think a couple times a month would not be too much.

we talked one time about meeting every once in awhile to discuss tips on hacking life: understanding some fundamentals from a scientific but very practical, down-to-earth perspective, so that we can do things like sleep well and find reliable sources of motivation.

songwriting is on my list too, although it's often elusive. i think it deserves regular pursuit.

real camping. with hikes (which i used to consider boring), campfire-cooked meals, and tent-hammocks, and photographs, and jaw-dropping views, and waterfalls with secret caves behind them (sans Batman; sorry, but i wouldn't share you). i really wouldn't mind going once a month.

i have to go; this is my lunch break. i have more. i'll add them later.

EDIT: a stretch & exercise routine.makes hikes more fun, and makes me a more energetic person. and i'm emotionally healthier and more motivated when i am working out regularly. doesn't have to be chronic cardio (which i know aggravates your asthma?)... could be tabata sprints. could be burpees (not the gross kind).


i feel like long drives would sort of work their way into a life like this, and i wouldn't want to just go gas-guzzling, but there's something special about the driving portion of a road trip. maybe somethingS special. it deserves mention.


carpentry of some kind. perhaps restoring eld furniture, or building from scratch if the resources are available.


Evan & Allison read to each other. i'm jealous of both of them. even if the book weren't discussion-evoking, i could easily get used to having someone (okay, you) read to me. and vice versa.


i can't decide if wine and tobacco need their own bullet point, when i've already mentioned making dinner, tea, camping, and music. this one might be like driving: it gets integrated into the rest.

absence makes the heart grow

this is the scale:

1. doing music
2. the above, with good instrumentalists
3. the above, plus good vocalists
4. the above, plus they are your close friends
5. the above, plus you're musically accustomed to each other and therefore mesh naturally
6. doing music with you

satisfaction might be not quite the right word. i find that it's much like the first ginger beer i had: it was delicious, but it made me want more, and so i had some more, which made me want more even more... repeat ad voluptatem.

i realize i was especially biased tonight. i realize i was deprived for what seemed like ages (a week or two), and the need had been sort of building. yes, i needed the opportunity for self-expression. and yes, my feelings for you compounded it all. plus they were both songs i like anyway.

but even when none of those circumstances are in place, the scale above is accurate. if i could do music with only one person for the rest of my life... i would make that person eggs and lightly sweetened iced black tea.

thank you for including me tonight. and for the maj7.

a different indulgence

tonight was the most painful. i guess it's because it was the first time i'd seen Val in person since she left. i got through the evening okay, but when i got home, i just sat for awhile, trying to work up the motivation to work on the to-dos.

but i just bawled instead. by the way i'm almost sorry that i'm posting this here, but i don't want to talk to anyone else about it, and i don't want to blog it publicly. so i need privacy and someone who will empathize. that makes this blog the magic.

anyway i cried because of the pain she caused me (in the past and recently and tonight when we met at church). but i also cried because of the pain i caused her. i really hated myself.

i am starting to feel the things that i guess people who divorce would feel. i feel filthy, more sinful than i have ever felt. i feel like this disqualifies me from having healthy intimate relationships anymore; or even if it doesn't, people will still think it does, which is kinda worse. i feel like i failed in the part of life that mattered the most. i feel like i failed not just Val but God, and my family, and my friends. i even feel like i'm betraying myself.

i feel like i will never be free from this unbearable pain. i feel like i cannot be comforted. i feel like i cannot be redeemed. i feel like i am not worthy of anything good. i feel like i cannot make good decisions, which is the most disorienting feeling i've ever felt. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and all of Valerie's critiques and insults and attacks are valid.

i feel like i'm headed for even greater disaster somehow, like this is just me getting caught in the whirlpool's outer rim, and drowning is inevitable. i feel like guilt and shame will follow me all the days of my life.

worst of all, i am having trouble thinking through any of this. it's overwhelming my usually sufficient barriers and places of strength.

i have begged friends for prayer and they have immediately complied. i have now blogged, and even though there is much i want to vomit out (and need to), i don't think i can do that here and now. thank goodness, right?

my feelings have never before overrun me to this degree, for this long. i feel ransacked, enslaved, abused... and i cannot fight it. at least, i don't know how.

i should tell you that your empathy has meant the world to me, and i wish more than anything right now that you could be here to comfort me with it. i think i could fall asleep without difficulty, which will certainly not be the case tonight. i tell you that not to invoke more empathy but to say thank you, and to place value on your friendship.

divorce is not yet final, but i expect no other outcome without God's direct intervention, for which i am waiting for two months or until Val becomes too impatient.

i look forward to the end.

tacet, harmony, confluence

because i've been moving out of my apartment, and staying very busy both at and away from work, so many thoughts and feelings i've had over the past day or two have been lost. elle est ce qu'elle est. the thought-construct i'm envisioning will have to do without them.

after another juicy conversation with Jerad yesterday eve, i feel i understand myself and this situation (the one with you) a little more. but that doesn't make me better at defining it, apparently, so i'm left with describing it. again. what are secret blogs for if not indulgence in one's hunger for unraveling life's mysteries via musings?

i have spent much of my life needing to express strong emotions and thoughts. my various blogs, journals, and other publications served me well in the latter need, as have my time in youth groups and college classes and close-knit circles of friends.

brick #1

music has always been my primary way of expressing strong emotions. i think that, without my overflowing heart, i would be about half the vocalist i am today.

brick #2 

my secondary outlet for emotions appeared to be writing... however, as i look back on that, i realize that i always wrote with an audience in mind. not necessarily anyone specific, but i wrote publicly, and with some expectation that someone somewhere sometime would appreciate and understand, at least somewhat. and someones did.

in fact many someones did. i at one time had over a dozen regular readers (this was when myspace was a big deal). many of them were female, and this served me well because i am more able to connect with females emotionally than with males.

brick #3

i wrote in my blog one March evening in 2007 these words:

the very worst thing that could ever happen to this blog, is happening. 

i'm becoming someone i don't know. i always thought becoming myself would involve alot of discipline and struggle to acquire those skills and strengthen those traits that i desired, or wanted to desire. i thought becoming myself entailed intentionality and planning. well, apparently it also involves interruption and surprise and mystery and confusion and dissonance. that is bad for this blog, because if i don't know who i am, or who i am becoming, and especially if i don't know why i'm becoming, or how, then whose blog is this that i'm posting on? 

...on the other hand, some of my very best posts have come from surprises... things i wasn't prepared for. in fact, most of the best things in my life have been 'interruptions' of one kind or another. most of my friends, most of my spiritual experiences, my greatest pains and joys and defining chapters or moments... yeah. 

 the very best thing that could ever happen to this blog, is happening.

this thing was Valerie. i say she was the worst thing because the happiness i felt at the time was squelching my creative angst, and because she was becoming my outlet. she was, to a degree, replacing my blog. BUT THEN, i say she was the best thing because she was part of huge change in me, and that was an important theme in my blog.

another change was in store for me after that, and as i lost Valerie (gradually, some would argue), i lost that outlet. but i rarely blogged.

fortunately i still had music. and at some point, very fortunately, i had you, friend.

until i suddenly had my flute stolen, and said goodbye to you, and planned to cease my worship team involvement for a month. hey, look: i'm blogging again.

this is all leading somewhere, i promise.

brick #4

Danica Ryan Overton, you are a confluence of a multitude of wonderful and necessary things in my life:

• deeply moving music, into which i can dive headfirst and express myself and lose myself and find myself. music can be a direct line to my heart, and when it involves both beauty (your tone, style, etc) and creative/intelligent harmony... well, eff. i'm done for.
• careful, complex thinking, which is a necessity for close friends of mine. the complexity itself is not a goal, but rather a requirement for dealing with life responsibly. our commitments deserve it.
• values that seem to match mine. i say 'seem to' because i have been deceived before, and because even our several years of friendship have not been enough for me to know you as truly as i would wish to. (i do not doubt; to the contrary, my belief in you runs quite deep. i simply have unanswered questions.)

these things seem great by themselves. they strike me when i consider how they have played out in our friendship. the opportunities for emotional and intellectual and spiritual growth, expression, satisfaction, challenge... 

i want more. if you read these words and still do not understand or believe, i will be amazed and my message will have to find a more impactful method of delivery.

i haven't even attempted to completely explain why i feel and think about you this way. i have this one young blog-- these two cents, to represent a fortune. i don't even know how i'd go about planning to make such an attempt. i haven't even once said anything (directly) about your... ahem... aesthetic appeal! (this is perhaps the least important aspect of a person, but i have concluded after much thinking and experience that it does matter somewhat.)

~        ~        ~

it's become a habit of mine to interrupt my own explanations with questions about why i'm attempting to explain things. aside from all the usual INTJ-ish reasons, i suppose it comes back to what i've already said several times in this blog:

i worry that, if you ever read this, you will write it off. that you will attribute it to the holistic attrition of my person, caused by my relational circumstances.

in the case that this is indeed a deterrent for you, i suppose time will have to suffice: time to prove that what i have shown you here are not merely war wounds or nutritional deficiencies. they are my heart and mind, nearly as deep as One could expose, if He chose to do so (and He occasionally does). they are, for me, truth, in the most personal and intimate sense of the word.

how i wish we could have been friends without hindrances. perhaps there is still time.

contradiction

i am having trouble wrapping my mind around this: that i long for the comfort of your voice, your presence, your beauty, your music... and yet all these things i would have labeled desires of intimate friendship, rather than romantic love. i'm still having trouble distinguishing.

and now that i say that... didn't you say something similar the last time we broke naan and drank wine together? i don't remember your exact words. please remind me. in retrospect i should not have asked the question in front of others, and perhaps not at all... but i had been wondering for ahwile and i guess i was in a mood of openness.

(by the way, i'm reading your old tumblr posts, and i want you to know: it's sooo much scarier to love than to be loved. am i biased? definitely. am i still right? perhaps.)

so there it is, the useful thing you shared about 5 months ago. now, help me out: don't i have a companionate love for you? or at least, doesn't it seem like that's what i'm desiring?

don't get me wrong. i'm not ruling out passion. in fact i would totally write a nice pair of paragraphs about it, and how it applies to this situation, but that would make me very uncomfortable because i'd not only think but i would also feel very strongly that i'd be stepping over a very clear and solid line. or maybe scaling a wall is a better metaphor.

ANYWAY i'm just sayin', and i'm not gonna lie: it is what it is.

my hatred is new every Sunday morning

have you ever tried ripping off your right thumb? even the ghost pains are exquisite.

going to CCC, i might as well hire a professional to purposely taunt me with everything i want, everything that (in and of itself) is good for me... everything i should have. okay maybe not everything. just a few of my favorite things. when my marriage dies, when your angelic singing voice stings, when i'm feeling like @#$!... i simply remember my favorite things, and then i feeeeeeeeeel, muuuuuuch wooooooooorse!

and, scene.

~        ~        ~

wait. why am i just unloading my junk? that's not what this blog is for! back on topic!

i have been waiting for some sort of automatic defense mechanism to kick into gear, something to tell me, "isaiah... this silly crush has gone on long enough. you know how irrational it is, now get your heart straight. here are all the reasons why imagining a life with Danica is a waste of your time, and here are all the things you know about her that would make it a terrible idea to pursue her affections in any situation, let alone in the aftermath of the one you're in now. here are all the reasons why the thing you think you want, isn't what you want."

still waiting.

i can explain.

tonight i told J&H what they had already begun to suspect. it felt good to do so. Heather said that it had to have crossed your mind at some point the past (the possibility of an intimate relationship), and i said that i very much doubted that.

i am so impatient to ask you so many things. that's one of them.

i don't know if you know what it feels like to hope for someone to want you in this way, but i hope that you do, because i'm not sure any description i wrote would do it justice.

i am too sleepy to attempt the task right now. i love and miss you. i'm afraid you might hold it against me that i am loving and missing you while i still wear this ring... but i trust that if the time is ever right for me to show you these words, then the time will probably also be right for you to listen and accept my story and my explanations. i will trust the hypothetical you and the future for now.

you are more than just the greener grass, or the oasis in this current desert of mine. you are the only person about whom i have ever said (perhaps ever will say?), "this could be my trusted partner, my constant joy. she has already almost been those in some ways, for some time. i simply want them all the time, in lots more ways."

if the time comes for me to tell you these things, i hope that you will understand them, or at least give me a chance.

i can explain.

i figured it out

i've always been fascinated by the way friendships develop, grow, morph, change. and so it's always a pleasurable self-indulgence to explore that topic in conversation with friends-- the closer, the better. the longer the journey, the better.

so that's enough by itself for me to be asking questions like, "why are we still friends?"

but the extra something that motivated me to ask you those questions was simply a desire for more. i wanted more. i always did. not more as in something different or more serious... just more. "let's be friends" is a stranger's or acquaintance's way of saying they want more. that's natural and to be expected.

i was saying (subconsciously) "let's be friends more" every once in awhile. and for the most part, you obliged me. not as much as i wanted (thank goodness, it turns out), but you trusted me, invested in me, let me invest in you... et cetera.

and then there was a time when you walked away from our friendship. and then you walked back into it. and then i wanted more again.

in keeping with my theory about the best romances coming out of the best friendships, i think that if i had been free with you to be as much "friends" as i wanted, i would have fallen in love with you for months or years before realizing what had happened. that's how natural it seemed to me (apart from a slight hesitance that i've always sensed but never fully addressed with you, for fear of finding out that you were purposely keeping your distance).

i mean, i sort of did that anyway, but it was (obviously) messier this way. i wish i'd had more freedom to be friends more with you. i think that it could have been monumentally special. i think we could have bonded in such a way that it would have astounded us with its quality and seamlessness.

i long for that still, and it is the basis of my feelings for you. there are others, but that is the foundation: i want to be friends-- more.

back to reality

this blog has been missing something. i just realized what it is. i will question myself in order to reveal it.

"isaiah, if this is really where your heart is, then how can you claim to be wholly fighting for your marriage still? and if you can't claim that, then aren't you stepping over the line in a very clear way, regardless of what Valerie's done?"

ahhhh. excellent. that's what i needed. now i feel less like an all-around a-hole, and more like a committed man who has a-holic motivations.

this is the truth: if Valerie hit her head and suffered from an amnesia so perfect that she forgot every bad experience with me, but remembered all the good (in which case she would feel loved, which is the subject of her primary marital complaint / critique), then i would make full use of that opportunity to rebuild our marriage to health and wholeness, forsaking all others (including you, Danica) in heart & mind & action.

i feel that the main obstacle to the health of my current marriage is Valerie's anger, or difficulty with forgiveness, or bitterness, or resentment. even when i do or say loving things, i am rejected or despised in response (even if not immediately, especially if i don't give her everything she asks for when and how she asks for it). thus it becomes all-important that i make her feel loved, not just that i love her... and that is not entirely within my control, especially now. that's why the amnesia hypothetical works: because as long as Valerie feels so negatively toward me, she cannot receive whatever good i come up with. which is fundamentally why i believe the marriage is failing.

even with the amnesia, i predict that the marriage would end up in the same place eventually, due to who Val is at her core... the kind of person who, in the deepest parts of herself, makes decisions based on her feelings, and who feels loved only if she is not refused anything.

but back to the example: if given that kind of opportunity, i would give the marriage the same fighting chance (for my part) that i'd been giving it so far. as things stand now, i do not think i will choose to do this, because of what i perceive to be inevitable failure, which i could also term as my spouse's refusal to change.

my changing is not enough. even if i changed myself past the boundaries of my conscience, in order to give Valerie everything she asked for, all the time, that would not change who she is, and problems would arise once again: really, the same problems. someone who cannot accept refusal (selfishness??) and has so much difficulty giving & receiving grace (no idea what to call that) is, in my opinion, doomed to some degree... and dooming others around her.

~        ~        ~

it would take me awhile to get over you 100%, i think, and i'm not sure our friendship could ever be the same as it was when it was at its best (whenever and whatever that was), but i could do it. my heart does eventually follow my head, as long as my head has a strong foundation of grounded, reasonable confidence. i would be able to put up intangible walls in myself that could help our friendship be comfortably bounded rather than awkwardly restricted.

not that you've ever felt awkwardly restricted. ...have you?

burn the bridge, burn to gold

i feel somewhat at peace this morning. maybe it's because i have set up the last barrier necessary... or maybe it's because i was privileged enough to receive an e-mail of moderate length from you this morning. i was especially comforted to hear that your heart breaks when you think about how much pain i must be in, but that's extremely childish & crush-ish of me, so maybe i shouldn't focus on it much. let's change topics.

things i am praying will happen:
 - God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven
 - my own character be shaped for the better
 - deception be defeated and truth revealed
 - the course i set be the one of which God approves
 - my ministry not be compromised
 - my character as a man & husband be proven (even to myself)

things i'm hoping will happen:
 - my relationship with you become completely unhindered
 - you reciprocate my desires, and we spend decades living out the most fun adventures and pursuits we can dream up, with a friendship and romance that sets an example for others and causes God to smile

conflict, confession

Cameron's prayer over me included everything that it should have. i am no closer to answers, but i am somewhat more patient in waiting for them, and my confidence is bolstered. i'll need that when it comes time to make decisions.

i want you to know that searching the heart/mind is my specialty as an INTJ/INFJ. i am telling you this to lend credence to this assertion: my feelings for you are not merely a "rebound" effect. because i have never been in this position before, i cannot say that they are 100% non-rebound-y, but what i can tell you for certain is this:

long before this volcanic eruption of romantic inclinations, i loved you (1Cor13). i valued your companionship. this is not a small thing for me. i have since elementary school chosen friends with extreme care and pickiness. the people in whom i confide and trust are rare, and the people from whom i draw emotional support are rare among even those.

furthermore: just because i wasn't always attracted to you romantically, does not mean that i considered you unattractive. i always knew you were, i just never paid much attention to it (nor explored it in my mind).

lastly: the compliments i could pay you now, in the throes of these extremely inconveniently-timed affections, are the same i could pay to you at any time, in any state of heart. perhaps that's hard for you to believe, but perhaps i'll have a chance to prove it.

the bottom line is, i want you to take seriously these things i'm feeling, thinking, and [secretly] writing. i know that might be hard for you to do, because you are more than intelligent/wise enough to recognize my 'compromised' state. i do not want you to think, "oh, that's nice. the lonely, affection-starved, loveless abandoned man suddenly has feelings for me."

instead, i want you to think, "isaiah is compromised, but he also doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. he is pretty good at discerning his own innards, and if he says that everything he's saying is not only authentic but also true, then perhaps it is."

i know you well enough to suspect that you might not take any of my compliments (explicit or implied) to heart. i urge you to take them to heart. i urge you to believe that you are indeed as attractive (objectively) as i subjectively say that you are. if given the opportunity to prove it, i would certainly do so, even if it meant gathering a decade's worth of data from longitudinal studies.

that's enough for now i suppose. thank you, Hypothetica, for reading. you are helping me without knowing it.

irony

our text conversation yesterday was hilarious... but mostly from a knowing perspective. i hope you get a chance to someday read this and enjoy the irony. my added commentary is in bold.

Danica: I hope you are enjoying the cold weather today. Sometimes I find comfort in the weather when it matches how I feel.

Isaiah: I am generally that way as well

Isaiah: The ocean and clam chowder helped a little too. How are things in Danica-land

Danica: Danica-land is in whole foods drowning in the glory that beholds her. Alyssa and I are having our first girl wine night and I'm trying to find that garlic naan....do you happen to remember where it is?

Isaiah: Near the place where they make you sandwiches. It's with lots of other breads. I know what you mean about glory... I want to buy or steal 75% of things there

Danica: Mmm yes. Me as well. We should plan a heist

Isaiah: :/ Perhaps in the less soon future...

Danica: Perhaps illegal activity would not make anything better...

at this point i guffawed. it was almost painful, it was so loud and unplanned. i had been pondering "illegal activity" for hours upon end at this point. (not the heist kind.)

Isaiah: ...I haven't been ambushed by a laugh that effectively in months.

Isaiah: I seriously might be laughing at that all day long.

Danica: :) I'm glad that struck you as funny!

Isaiah: Someday I will explain all the reasons why it has earned you a place in the great hall of quotability, alongside such greats as J S Mendel

Danica: You'll tell me when I'm older?

Isaiah: When we're BOTH older.
Isaiah: That reminds me: Your klipsch-y-poos haven't given me trouble once yet

Danica: Mmmm. They don't like me!! I knew it

Isaiah: Depending on how mature they are, maybe it's just the opposite. Maybe they DO like you and they're super-shy.

Danica: Well it's annoying. Just say it already! Hahaha

Hahaha indeed... jerk. thanks for twisting the knife. stop saying words. (i don't blame you; obviously you couldn't've known.)

Isaiah: They're waiting for you to give them your ear

Danica: Argh... Welp fine. -___-

Isaiah: lol nice face. I don't really care if we don't trade back. I would want to reinforce the cord in certain places though

Danica: Well keep listening. It's around the jack and the left earbud stops until I adjust the cord by the jack

Isaiah: I've already spent Like ten hours with em. I even spent a few minutes fiddling with the jack trying to make it have a problem. In fact I wanted to make a joke about tweaking your clipsch and getting nothing but great noises but it seemed a little much... So i wisely kept that one to myself.

Danica: Until now. ;) well I guess I'm crazy and was hearing things...or not hearing things.

your simple wink-emoticon, rather than an awkward response, was very difficult for me. not because i couldn't interpret it correctly, but because i really wanted to mis-interpret it. i was expecting shock or at least discomfort of some kind, but saw none... yea. which was difficult.

Isaiah: It'll probly start again as soon as they're returned

Danica: Prob

Isaiah: Totes poss?

Danica: Fo sho

meet the parents

http://www.san-simeon-lodging.com/California-Central-Coast-Vacation-Guide/Outdoor-Activities/pg-Campgrounds-Trails-Picnic-Hearst/Camping-4-Cerro-Alto-Atascadero-Campground-Highway-41_jpg.htm

http://www.recreation.gov/camping/Cerro_Alto_Camground/r/campgroundDetails.do?contractCode=NRSO&parkId=71995&topTabIndex=Search

http://www.forestcamping.com/dow/pacficsw/lospcmp.htm#cerro%20alto

on my way to Los Osos today, i passed by the entrance to a campground area. it didn't make me think of you... me falling for you made me think of you. it just so happened that i while i was thinking of you, i passed by the entrance to this campground. your tumblr posts and our conversations and just knowing you made me think at this time, "perfect." but then i thought, in classic Dramanica fashion, "or is it?!"

well i googled it later and found that perfect is not a bad description.

#dreaminghard

richard marx

i feel i'm on fire. i have thousands of words but no safe, effective outlet. i think this is the closest i will get.

i think i'm losing control somewhat, and that's not entirely new for me, but it's certainly been awhile. high school. it's like i've been subverted, and can't pin down the mole. it's driving me insane. "an itch i can't scratch" is too weak. i'm on fire.

all i can do is post on my coward's blog, and wait for the fuel to be consumed.

this is the most difficult situation i've ever encountered, and the two people who could help me the most through it (emotionally) are the two i can't go to. Val is doing her own thing, and sprung it on me ambush-style, which pencils... but she could give me some peace, if her heart were different. you, my friend, are the very worst person for me to seek comfort from, but you're my heart's first choice, which is a large part of the problem, which makes it a double problem. maybe triple. who's counting?

i imagine these scenarios playing out in the ways i want, and then i imagine them playing out in ways i don't want. (the latter, i sort of scrub through quickly.) that's partly the way i process things, but i'm beginning to think it's also my brain looking for an outlet for the biochemical AMF that it's apparently got on tap. fine then. it's not like i was getting through this clean anyway. might as well add one more mess to everything.

fuck.

i wonder what it would do to you, to know about this. i wonder if you would start to feel responsible, as if you might have caused some of my marital problems. i know that's irrational, and i know you aren't irrational by choice, but you've confessed that you struggle with irrationale, especially with regard to shame and self-loathing and blame and so on. i know that, and that's one of the many reasons i can't say any of this to you. what if it compromises you? how can i in good conscience say, "my wife is in the process of leaving me, but she's claiming to be trying to help us make the marriage work, but that doesn't change what i think is really going on, and even though i believe the right thing to do is to make every effort to save it, i'm actually strongly hoping it will all fall apart so that i can tell you how i really feel"?!

even if Val did leave, how could i say anything to you after that? what if you looked back on it and wondered whether you had somehow interfered with mine and Val's attempts to mend our marriage? what if you identified yourself as an unintentional complication that possibly tipped the scale enough to crash it?

and even if you didn't react that way... what if i told you how i felt, and you had nothing to offer reciprocally? could we still be friends? why would you even want to be? how awkward would that be, trying to be a friend to me after discovering my true heart?

in light of all that, what if the best thing for you was for me to totally leave? like, to become acquaintances?

actually, i think i could do that if it really was best for you. it certainly would be an easier choice than the ones i'm having to make now. it's all i can do not to text you constantly, and even when i restrain myself i end up saying something stupid that comes across wrong and i feel like i should correct it with more words which i know would probably just dig me deeper if they even came out intelligibly at all.

fuck. again.

honestly this is worse than high school. way worse. at least in high school when i had to endure this foolishness (i think they call it a crush when it's shallow and something else when it isn't), i had some kind of prime directive to keep me doing right foolish things. now i barely even have the presence of mind to tell myself that i'm being foolish at all.

i can't keep taking this much insanity. something needs to give, or i will.

i guess writing this does help a little, even if i don't really expect you to ever read it. which really prompts me to just let everything out. weird how i'm hesitant to speak freely, even here. maybe it's that i know how much more real i will make it just by letting it out, even if it's only a top-secret blog. (that's the other movie i wanted to watch with you... i just coincidentally reminded myself of it. so it's Minority Report, Top Secret, and Brick. and the Fountain.)

anyway, here's what i really want to say, and probably what this blog wanted to get at all along:

• it could just be the drugs my head is brewing for itself, but i have no way of knowing, so there's no point trying to figure it out. i guess i just have to say it: i have neither met nor heard of a more attractive woman than you, nor one as attractive as you. you are the most attractive woman i have ever met or heard of, and i can't seem to stop thinking about that.
• the friendship we've built is exactly the kind of fertile soil i recommend to those who desire healthy romance. and so it makes complete sense to me, even apart from the loneliness that Val has created in me, that i would fall for you so completely. we trust each other, we understand each other, we enjoy each other, our values (in both mind and heart) have huge overlap, and we've been through some highly emotional situations together, which have shown me that you & i are capable of an intimacy not every pair of friends or even romantic friends can have. you are certainly a rarity in my life: not just someone with whom i can be intimate, but a potential companion (and not just someone i help along on their own journey).
• if i felt this way and i were single (without complications), and if you gave me the opportunity, i would woo the socks off of you. i would work at it like my life depended on it.
• and last, but not least: all of this is probably stupid because of reasons one through one basquillion.

so there you have it. the worst effing situation i've ever been in. not your fault at all; it really is not. but that doesn't really make it any easier. i just want the hypothetical you that i'm writing to, to know that: you did nothing wrong (at least not that i know of) to cause any of this for me. in fact you've done great by me.

the only complaint i have about the friendship you've shown me is that i always wanted more of it. and maybe i always will.

this cup

i'm in considerable pain. just a few days ago i was relieved and loving life, almost enjoying the feeling of floating through complete uncertainty. now i just hate where i am, and every moment not spent focusing on some external task is spent thinking of you.

can a person rightfully pray for their own will if they know it conflicts with God's? can a person rightfully ask that a cup be taken from them if they have already been told to drink?

i desperately want to find both health and happiness in a life lived with you nearby. i can think of nothing more pleasant, nothing more relationally fulfilling. God guide me if i am leading myself astray. God strike me and turn me to a different road if this one ends in wrongdoing. if He does not, i may be dooming myself and others.

coasting

tomorrow work is sending me to SLO for an inspection. i wish i could take you with me.