contradiction

i am having trouble wrapping my mind around this: that i long for the comfort of your voice, your presence, your beauty, your music... and yet all these things i would have labeled desires of intimate friendship, rather than romantic love. i'm still having trouble distinguishing.

and now that i say that... didn't you say something similar the last time we broke naan and drank wine together? i don't remember your exact words. please remind me. in retrospect i should not have asked the question in front of others, and perhaps not at all... but i had been wondering for ahwile and i guess i was in a mood of openness.

(by the way, i'm reading your old tumblr posts, and i want you to know: it's sooo much scarier to love than to be loved. am i biased? definitely. am i still right? perhaps.)

so there it is, the useful thing you shared about 5 months ago. now, help me out: don't i have a companionate love for you? or at least, doesn't it seem like that's what i'm desiring?

don't get me wrong. i'm not ruling out passion. in fact i would totally write a nice pair of paragraphs about it, and how it applies to this situation, but that would make me very uncomfortable because i'd not only think but i would also feel very strongly that i'd be stepping over a very clear and solid line. or maybe scaling a wall is a better metaphor.

ANYWAY i'm just sayin', and i'm not gonna lie: it is what it is.