i figured it out

i've always been fascinated by the way friendships develop, grow, morph, change. and so it's always a pleasurable self-indulgence to explore that topic in conversation with friends-- the closer, the better. the longer the journey, the better.

so that's enough by itself for me to be asking questions like, "why are we still friends?"

but the extra something that motivated me to ask you those questions was simply a desire for more. i wanted more. i always did. not more as in something different or more serious... just more. "let's be friends" is a stranger's or acquaintance's way of saying they want more. that's natural and to be expected.

i was saying (subconsciously) "let's be friends more" every once in awhile. and for the most part, you obliged me. not as much as i wanted (thank goodness, it turns out), but you trusted me, invested in me, let me invest in you... et cetera.

and then there was a time when you walked away from our friendship. and then you walked back into it. and then i wanted more again.

in keeping with my theory about the best romances coming out of the best friendships, i think that if i had been free with you to be as much "friends" as i wanted, i would have fallen in love with you for months or years before realizing what had happened. that's how natural it seemed to me (apart from a slight hesitance that i've always sensed but never fully addressed with you, for fear of finding out that you were purposely keeping your distance).

i mean, i sort of did that anyway, but it was (obviously) messier this way. i wish i'd had more freedom to be friends more with you. i think that it could have been monumentally special. i think we could have bonded in such a way that it would have astounded us with its quality and seamlessness.

i long for that still, and it is the basis of my feelings for you. there are others, but that is the foundation: i want to be friends-- more.