i can explain.

tonight i told J&H what they had already begun to suspect. it felt good to do so. Heather said that it had to have crossed your mind at some point the past (the possibility of an intimate relationship), and i said that i very much doubted that.

i am so impatient to ask you so many things. that's one of them.

i don't know if you know what it feels like to hope for someone to want you in this way, but i hope that you do, because i'm not sure any description i wrote would do it justice.

i am too sleepy to attempt the task right now. i love and miss you. i'm afraid you might hold it against me that i am loving and missing you while i still wear this ring... but i trust that if the time is ever right for me to show you these words, then the time will probably also be right for you to listen and accept my story and my explanations. i will trust the hypothetical you and the future for now.

you are more than just the greener grass, or the oasis in this current desert of mine. you are the only person about whom i have ever said (perhaps ever will say?), "this could be my trusted partner, my constant joy. she has already almost been those in some ways, for some time. i simply want them all the time, in lots more ways."

if the time comes for me to tell you these things, i hope that you will understand them, or at least give me a chance.

i can explain.