i think i'm losing control somewhat, and that's not entirely new for me, but it's certainly been awhile. high school. it's like i've been subverted, and can't pin down the mole. it's driving me insane. "an itch i can't scratch" is too weak. i'm on fire.
all i can do is post on my coward's blog, and wait for the fuel to be consumed.
this is the most difficult situation i've ever encountered, and the two people who could help me the most through it (emotionally) are the two i can't go to. Val is doing her own thing, and sprung it on me ambush-style, which pencils... but she could give me some peace, if her heart were different. you, my friend, are the very worst person for me to seek comfort from, but you're my heart's first choice, which is a large part of the problem, which makes it a double problem. maybe triple. who's counting?
i imagine these scenarios playing out in the ways i want, and then i imagine them playing out in ways i don't want. (the latter, i sort of scrub through quickly.) that's partly the way i process things, but i'm beginning to think it's also my brain looking for an outlet for the biochemical AMF that it's apparently got on tap. fine then. it's not like i was getting through this clean anyway. might as well add one more mess to everything.
fuck.
i wonder what it would do to you, to know about this. i wonder if you would start to feel responsible, as if you might have caused some of my marital problems. i know that's irrational, and i know you aren't irrational by choice, but you've confessed that you struggle with irrationale, especially with regard to shame and self-loathing and blame and so on. i know that, and that's one of the many reasons i can't say any of this to you. what if it compromises you? how can i in good conscience say, "my wife is in the process of leaving me, but she's claiming to be trying to help us make the marriage work, but that doesn't change what i think is really going on, and even though i believe the right thing to do is to make every effort to save it, i'm actually strongly hoping it will all fall apart so that i can tell you how i really feel"?!
even if Val did leave, how could i say anything to you after that? what if you looked back on it and wondered whether you had somehow interfered with mine and Val's attempts to mend our marriage? what if you identified yourself as an unintentional complication that possibly tipped the scale enough to crash it?
and even if you didn't react that way... what if i told you how i felt, and you had nothing to offer reciprocally? could we still be friends? why would you even want to be? how awkward would that be, trying to be a friend to me after discovering my true heart?
in light of all that, what if the best thing for you was for me to totally leave? like, to become acquaintances?
actually, i think i could do that if it really was best for you. it certainly would be an easier choice than the ones i'm having to make now. it's all i can do not to text you constantly, and even when i restrain myself i end up saying something stupid that comes across wrong and i feel like i should correct it with more words which i know would probably just dig me deeper if they even came out intelligibly at all.
fuck. again.
honestly this is worse than high school. way worse. at least in high school when i had to endure this foolishness (i think they call it a crush when it's shallow and something else when it isn't), i had some kind of prime directive to keep me doing right foolish things. now i barely even have the presence of mind to tell myself that i'm being foolish at all.
i can't keep taking this much insanity. something needs to give, or i will.
i guess writing this does help a little, even if i don't really expect you to ever read it. which really prompts me to just let everything out. weird how i'm hesitant to speak freely, even here. maybe it's that i know how much more real i will make it just by letting it out, even if it's only a top-secret blog. (that's the other movie i wanted to watch with you... i just coincidentally reminded myself of it. so it's Minority Report, Top Secret, and Brick. and the Fountain.)
anyway, here's what i really want to say, and probably what this blog wanted to get at all along:
- it could just be the drugs my head is brewing for itself, but i have no way of knowing, so there's no point trying to figure it out. i guess i just have to say it: i have neither met nor heard of a more attractive woman than you, nor one as attractive as you. you are the most attractive woman i have ever met or heard of, and i can't seem to stop thinking about that.
- the friendship we've built is exactly the kind of fertile soil i recommend to those who desire healthy romance. and so it makes complete sense to me, even apart from the loneliness that Val has created in me, that i would fall for you so completely. we trust each other, we understand each other, we enjoy each other, our values (in both mind and heart) have huge overlap, and we've been through some highly emotional situations together, which have shown me that you & i are capable of an intimacy not every pair of friends or even romantic friends can have. you are certainly a rarity in my life: not just someone with whom i can be intimate, but a potential companion (and not just someone i help along on their own journey).
- if i felt this way and i were single (without complications), and if you gave me the opportunity, i would woo the socks off of you. i would work at it like my life depended on it.
- and last, but not least: all of this is probably stupid because of reasons one through one basquillion.
so there you have it. the worst effing situation i've ever been in. not your fault at all; it really is not. but that doesn't really make it any easier. i just want the hypothetical you that i'm writing to, to know that: you did nothing wrong (at least not that i know of) to cause any of this for me. in fact you've done great by me.
the only complaint i have about the friendship you've shown me is that i always wanted more of it. and maybe i always will.
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