conflict, confession

Cameron's prayer over me included everything that it should have. i am no closer to answers, but i am somewhat more patient in waiting for them, and my confidence is bolstered. i'll need that when it comes time to make decisions.

i want you to know that searching the heart/mind is my specialty as an INTJ/INFJ. i am telling you this to lend credence to this assertion: my feelings for you are not merely a "rebound" effect. because i have never been in this position before, i cannot say that they are 100% non-rebound-y, but what i can tell you for certain is this:

long before this volcanic eruption of romantic inclinations, i loved you (1Cor13). i valued your companionship. this is not a small thing for me. i have since elementary school chosen friends with extreme care and pickiness. the people in whom i confide and trust are rare, and the people from whom i draw emotional support are rare among even those.

furthermore: just because i wasn't always attracted to you romantically, does not mean that i considered you unattractive. i always knew you were, i just never paid much attention to it (nor explored it in my mind).

lastly: the compliments i could pay you now, in the throes of these extremely inconveniently-timed affections, are the same i could pay to you at any time, in any state of heart. perhaps that's hard for you to believe, but perhaps i'll have a chance to prove it.

the bottom line is, i want you to take seriously these things i'm feeling, thinking, and [secretly] writing. i know that might be hard for you to do, because you are more than intelligent/wise enough to recognize my 'compromised' state. i do not want you to think, "oh, that's nice. the lonely, affection-starved, loveless abandoned man suddenly has feelings for me."

instead, i want you to think, "isaiah is compromised, but he also doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. he is pretty good at discerning his own innards, and if he says that everything he's saying is not only authentic but also true, then perhaps it is."

i know you well enough to suspect that you might not take any of my compliments (explicit or implied) to heart. i urge you to take them to heart. i urge you to believe that you are indeed as attractive (objectively) as i subjectively say that you are. if given the opportunity to prove it, i would certainly do so, even if it meant gathering a decade's worth of data from longitudinal studies.

that's enough for now i suppose. thank you, Hypothetica, for reading. you are helping me without knowing it.