righting assignment

"it's called an umlaut."

okay colleege student... :P

so i did it. i followed my own advice, plus Jerad's, plus the VUSC community's: i instituted a long-overdue DTR. its one-sided-ness is unfortunate but necessary. i mangled my words on their way out, even though i actually DID plan what to say to you this time, sort of. but the request is delivered nonetheless, and now i await my Destinica.

what do i want?

to be forever bound by the constraints put upon our friendship by you. that's like my favorite thing ever.

okay but seriously: i don't want to battle this anymore. i don't want to juggle a dozen feelings every time i get a text message that MIGHT be from you. i don't want to say stupid shtee without even thinking about it first. (at least let me be stupid on purpose!)

i sense the time drawing nearer where i will have to claim that retiring this blog is the best thing, but then continue posting in it anyway as a way of dealing with my being in love with someone who isn't in love with me. i guess sooner is better than later.

wah wah wah. i should sleep.

i miss you terribly. sleep well forever-friend-ica.

unbedary

part of me can't believe i just did that.

but most of me is relieved, the way you're relieved after Troy gets ahold of your neck, or the way you're relieved after you extinguish your own chonies when they've been on fire for 33 days.

i think i might be able to move on now. we'll see.

God help me please. amen

whirlpool-y-poo

once again i'm taking on water. that 3-minute one-on-one with you made my whole world freeze. nothing else existed. i was waiting all night-- okay okay, i'm constantly awaiting my next interaction with you. and then you walked up to me and talked to me. i guess that's what friends do, maybe.

and now i'm breathing in the ocean, and for some reason i'm not fighting it. i guess that means i've already drowned.

i'm effed

still can't get over how beautiful you are. altogether. throughout. you are incontrovertible evidence of beauty itself. your character, personality, struggles and victories, your voice and heart, your mind. your lived-out theology. your hair, eyes, shape, movement.

still in it pretty deep... yup. just another night of longing and "bring on the wonder."

i think you are to me what the ocean is to lemmings. and that line means it's time for sleep.

some things change naught

i have always cared for you, and always will. tonight's song had absolutely nothing to do with my "romantic" feelings. i wrote it months ago.

i hope it did not harm you. i hope you found, and maybe even find, it valuable.

i love you.

less traveled by

at first, saying goodbye to you was an exercise in discipline, intended to keep myself in check, and to prepare for the possibility that my stupid feelings might cause problems for us to the point where i'd have to let go of you.

but now i see our paths may be leading away from each other. my selfish... uhm, self, i guess... suddenly rises up and prepares for war at this thought.

who is it fooling.

how deep? this deep.

saying goodbye is somehow easier when i get to spend this much time with you. perhaps i'm in the Nile.

welp, wherever i am, the view is incredible. i will soak up all i can before life comes crashing back down again.

still missing you.

child of the heavenly Father

you have absolutely no idea how serene and beautiful you look. you are at least half asleep, but you're still smiling. it's just not fair. i can't decide whether i want to photograph you or wrap myself up in whatever you're feeling.

tonight has been a strange mix of difficult and sensationally wonderful.

i can only barely contain what i'm feeling.

selfishly i pray that this terrible and delicious tension will soon be resolved.

though i know it not to be so, tonight i find you perfect.

jerk

thanks for making me cry. actually i needed it. i didn't even get enough out. i miss you differently today, but no less than i ever have.

perspective

i had an extremely valuable 4-hr conversation with Jerad today at the buff. not all of it was actionable, but some was, and i realize now that one of the most important things for an introvert to seek out in others is outside perspective itself.

i do not always remember to take off my lenses and put on those of others. in most cases it happens when i forget that i am wearing certain lenses. Jerad helps me to notice them.

i am making progress in letting go of my fantasy future. i hope that doing so will benefit both you & me in the long run.

i still miss you terribly. i act on what i think is best, but i hope for what i think would be the most enjoyable (i.e. you). but i have to wrap my mind around reality, and make decisions partly based on what is most likely or the worst-case scenario, and i can no longer, in good conscience at least, indulge myself in fruitless dreams. they themselves may not be wrong, but they may mislead me if i do not rein them in.

i do not know what will happen between us. i hope for many good things. i must plan on not very many good things. i hate giving you up; i hate losing anything we have or had or could have. but i must prepare myself to do so anyway, without throwing a fit or wallowing in my negative emotions.

i value every moment spent with you, even the painful ones. i will look back on our friendship with great thankfulness for the joy and the learning and the hard work and everything else.

this is my first "goodbye friend." i think i may need many more, but i should probably begin now. so...

goodbye friend. it was nice fun cool interesting difficult incredible knowing you.

petrichor

you're sort of like this morning's rain.

i have no control over it whatsoever (rightfully so).
whether things rock or suck, it makes my world more beautiful.
i'm arrested by it; i stop everything i was doing just to focus on experiencing it.
it's uniquely musical.
it always leaves before i want it to...
...and even if it didn't, i can never stay in it as long as i want to.

isaiah the jealot

i hope you will view this one confessed flaw of mine as simply a piece of a large and complex whole, rather than as a defining trait. i'm drawing attention to it, though, so perhaps if you do judge me by it, i should blame me first.

i'm supes jealous of Ryan, who lives with you and gets to interact with you all the freakin' time, and Jerad who's only one step below that. i understand why, and i get that my situation as well as my desire both disqualify me... but wow. i really wish i could have even half of the time either of them gets with you.

when i have i not enjoyed your company (excluding conflict-times)? when have i ever felt like, "yeah, i want to hang out with someone, but not Danica" ? when have i ever thought to myself, "i wish Danica would pay me less attention and leave me alone" ???

i'm desperate not only for things i want, but things i need. i won't act on my desperation (at least not in a way that brings me closer to what my heart wants), but that doesn't change how i feel.

today i was thrilled to hear you say my name, to joke with you, to joke (mostly) about your boobs like we always do (wow... creeper. probly shouldn't mention that, even on this secret blog of adoration), to see how people enjoy your company and you theirs.

i want more. and i get upset when others get a lot. that's probly wrong.

help me somehow?

weather or not

depends on whether you text me or not.

this is one of the things that clues me in to how compromised i am: every time you text me first, i feel like the sun has come out and there's a cool breeze, even if the day is 109° and overcast.

that is SO SAPPY i can't believe it's coming from my own mind. or heart. whatever. the point is, i'm in way over my head here, to the point where i don't even realize it without looking at the clues. even then it's difficult to believe. i mean i'm already planning how to tell you my feelings, when i haven't even seen any divorce papers yet. something is very wrong with me.

i think i'm beginning to realize that, for this and other reasons, i can never show you this blog... even if things turn out the way my heart hopes they do.

that's depressing.

private service announcement

tonight, against all of my expectations, Valerie agreed to reconsider her position, on the condition that those conversations take place in the context of professional counseling. i told her i'd consider it, and that we'd talk about it tomorrow night.

as i type this, i'm also adding album art to my tumblr post... the one with greg laswell's song "sweet dream."

it is perfect, and painful.

• this new possibility of not-divorce has me reeling. i'm troubled, thinking of the risk of giving Valerie another chance. i think the word is "trepidation," but i don't know the adjectival form. 
• i'm also worried that i will have to put down (in the same way as one would an already-dying animal) my fantasy about you. it is no mere sweet dream; it is a real and deep desire, something i have not only felt but considered and reconsidered and found to be complex and real and wholly desirable. (and terrible.) i feel it will not die easily, even if it becomes truly and urgently necessary that i kill it.
• i don't think counseling will change who Valerie is. i think it may change, temporarily, the things she believes. but that doesn't solve our problem, and it doesn't make it wise to re-dedicate to each other.
• i want you. i don't want anyone else. i want to reconcile with Valerie, but i don't want to be married to her anymore. i want her to go away and live her life apart from mine. i want a chance to do things right from step 1. i don't want to give myself again to someone who constantly challenges my commitments.
• i'm too tired to do any more productive introspecting tonight. 

i miss you, as always. your surprise text tonight was fantastic (literally). thank you.

meanwhile, in real life...

this blog by itself paints a very one-sided picture of my life.

i just spent what was supposed to be a productive afternoon of re-arranging my finances (because Val left me) instead holding Valerie and trying to provide comfort to her in the midst of a life that's beating her up pretty good (mostly because of her own foolish choices).

one thing at least remains uncompromised: my commitment to love her selflessly. not that it's perfect but seriously, it's definitely love. not that i am Mr. Selfless but seriously, the way i react to her when she takes advantage of me, is to try harder to help us get along and work things out. when she feels hurt by me she simply takes it out on me and makes things more dangerous and painful and harmful for me.

done ranting. for now.

"i must leave after all"

i'm considering going to a different church.

seriously, how am i supposed to be around you? i've spent my whole life carefully constructing behavioral patterns and schema that help me navigate my social environment. i even committed to loving people-- not just because it's right, but because that conquers the uncertainty. it says, "you don't have to be charismatic or likeable. just love people."

you ruin everything i've constructed to keep me comfortable and safe. you are le dangereux, and i have absolutely no clue how i can continue in friendship with you, especially after these things are revealed to you.

angels, may you be entertained

Father

i am grateful for the altogether good and lovely things i have encountered because of Your grace and involvement in my life. i see that the boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places, and this confuses me because i do not see how i can be trusted with these blessings.

and perhaps i should not always be trusted with all of them.

i shake my head and bow in wonder when i consider my friendships, and how much i have been given. i am particularly in awe of Your daughter Danica and the ways she has made my life unquantifiably better.

i think i must give this up in my heart and mind if i am to keep from clutching it too tightly. i feel that i'm suffocating it, or being suffocated by it, or both. maybe it's better that i plan to leave it behind. maybe it's better that i acknowledge my suspicion that she is outgrowing our friendship. maybe it's a good idea to let it pass.

i will work on doing that, internally. i will prepare for it and thereby perhaps prevent some of the useless and foolish floundering that i've been doing so far.

please help me do wise things. please continue to help Danica grow in strength and wellness. please help me find Your will and match mine to it. please help Danica to feel confident in herself without losing any of her humility. please help me manage my feelings. please give Danica many opportunities to find the boundary lines falling for her in pleasant places.

please help me to be selfless like You, so that i can responsibly, willingly yield to You the wondrous and rare blessings to which i have so desperately clung.

amen

#tag ... you're it

your writings leave me lonelier and more in pain than before, even though i always look forward to them. i want so badly to do something for you. and that's how it's been for a long time, far before my feelings decided to leave orbit. i could cry for you if i hadn't used 'em all up earlier tonight, on myself. it wasn't selfish; i needed to cry. this is becoming worse than tangential.

all i'm saying is, i wish things were different, even just a little bit. i wish i could speak to you freely, even if only to say "i'm here for you and won't give up on you. i hurt with you and long to understand and to help if i can. i care deeply about you and your life and your inner and outer well-being."

i'm so messed up... and my life is too. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't care about you. Hypothetica, i am praying for your real-world counterpart, asking God to grant all of her requests (as long as they are wise ones). Holy Spirit, please move Danica to ask for the right things, and then give them to her in spades.

amen

this is basically just a feelings-landfill now

i already gave you the confluence speech and explained how i just want more friendypoos with you than i ever have with anyone else (to the point where the hypothetical 'we' would have to admit that it isn't simply friendshipypoo anymore), so now apparently it's ventypoo.blogspot.com.

i give of myself over and over, and it's 50/50 whether Val will like it and ask for more, or spit venom at me. i dislike mistreatment, but it's especially hurtful when it comes as a reply to love. i feel like vomiting through my eyes and gushing tears out my mouth. that doesn't make sense. my brain is fried from too much emotional vulnerability and i hate being separated from you and what i really hope is that Valerie gets fed up at all of my kind and vulnerable acts and just divorces me so i can tell you how i feel and ask you to give you & me a chance at some point in the future.

i really don't have this attitude all the time. elsewhere i pray (publicly and privately) and give voice to my morals and commitments. here (this time anyway) is vomit.blogspot.com.

i may delete this later.

typithetica

just another typical day of feeling like the feeling of wishing i could spend about 85% of the day with you is increasing by about 85% every day. this weekend was a very low doseege, so i shouldn't be surprised.

come run errands with me.

[sh]it comes and goes in waves

i am in it so deep.

when will i be free from this mess? i miss you more than i've ever missed anything except Jesus (that is NOT a joke; i have painfully missed human-Jesus many times). you're the person i should be avoiding, unfriending, blocking, ignoring.

but it burns like a mother, and EFF does it hurt to have so many unanswered questions in this area. and it hurts to be separated from you. even if i weren't romantically invested in you at all, i would hate being separated from you, because YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST FRIENDS I'VE EVER HAD AND I HATE THAT THAT IS RUINED.

a post of substance!!

i feel i've hit a milestone of some kind.

i have re-read some of our Facebook message conversations, and realized that there's quite a bit unsaid... on both sides. this whole time i've been thinking i'm the one holding back, restraining myself, and perhaps that is true now. but i have unanswered questions, friend, and you are the only one who knows.

this blog has been about desperate longings, and i felt slightly ashamed to have them and to be spilling them so dramatically... and so i am now quite taken aback as i discover that i've left one longing unturned. i long to know what needs i was meeting when you withdrew from me, and whether that situation was entirely bad for you or not.

if things had been different... if i hadn't been married... would we have abandoned our friendship? would you have withdrawn enough to make me frustrated and angry?

this is foolish. i can't possibly list all the questions i am feeling; i haven't process enough. realization and complete analysis are two different things. i will let it stew for now.

but know that we have unfinished business, Hypothetica. and if there is even the slightest chance of finishing it, i will do so., even if it means saying goodbye forever and completely. i care about you a great deal, and will do what is necessary for your life to be what it should, insofar as that depends on my choices as someone close to you.

DTR. eff.

i think i've got blog in my eyes -_-

the night's a blur.

i remember wanting to blog here several times, but i'm too out of it now to try to remember all of those precise thoughts. i have a feeling they were all repost-y anyway... random thoughts about your attracteeveness and how i might go about showing you the depth of my desire and why it would be such a good idea to give me everything i want.... you know, just stuff you'd expect to find at a youth all-nighter in such a selfish person.

i'm kind of embarrassed about my comment on your aesthetic value (to me personally). sorry. probly shouldn't've said that.

i also had many thoughts and feelings of jealousy as i watched you interact with them otha olda boys, with whom you spend a great deal of time and on a regular basis. wow. i am angry about that.

i had a dream just now, during my recovery-sleep. i dreamt that i told you your music was priceless and needed to be shared with the whole world, or something like that. i woke up missing you, which kinda helped me orient myself as briefly panicked about being late to Sunday morning worship practice.

this post is junk. i miss you. please come to dinner with me tonight.

sea of green and moonlight

i remember what my backyard looked like a decade and a half ago. No playhouse, no concrete strip around the outside, no swing set. a few old pecan trees. mostly dirt and weeds. hardly any shade.

now the oak and the raywood and the camphor are thirty-five feet tall, and their silhouettes against the moonlight still me. the air is perfect; i can feel the slight warmth of my oil lamp on my face from a foot away, where it casts flickering shadows on the unfinished wood of the table, and on my humidor.

my family is near but asleep. my friends are Penzance and Awake and Maurissa Tancharoen... and two cats, who read my mind and decided to keep me company from a short distance. i think their names are Babette and General Custard-Butt. (no joke.)

i would have once called this a perfect 3am. i would have changed nothing. but in this chapter, i can't help but imagine a few changes.

if my picnic table and bench were a skychair instead. if the green before me were a vineyard. if the moon were full. if i had my own JRR instead of T's loaner. if i didn't have to work in 4 hours.

and, if the skychair were a double. if someone offered me a refill for the iced tea. if i had live music-- living music-- within arm's reach. if i were splitting my iPod's signal. if i could pause and share these thoughts aloud in between song repetitions, with a person instead of a blog. if i could feel a few fingertips on my shoulder every now and then. if the breeze were just two degrees or so cooler, to compensate for the extra warmth i'd feel.

if things were very different.

the youzh

tonight, i missed you the way i used to. it was refreshing. it was almost normal enough that i could even ignore it like i used to.

i still thought about you all day long. but it was bearable.

i guess that's all i have to say this time. see you tomorrow...

day 15

i find this peaceful not only in the world's day and age, but in mine. in fact this might be the most peaceful moment i've had since 6-20.

it's not just your post; it's been that kind of evening. a late nap and twilight and more re-reading of journals and re-remembering of who i am.

to the tune of a soundtrack from one of my fav movies, i read your post and-- actually, it's funny because i check tumblr eighty times a day anticipating new things from you, but this time i was just reloading the page out of internet-surfing-habit (right after posting myself), and there it was: a reminder that i really am as foolish and prone to wander (in this chapter) as i feared i was. well, maybe not anymore; i mean, i'm turning pages. but for awhile there it was pretty bad. i actually had to have an impromptu conversation with Jerad about it between services this last Sundee.

i am so relieved. if there were ever a person you shouldn't... not that you would, or even could. but if you could, and if you would, you shouldn't.

i guess relief isn't the only feeling. but it's dominant, which i'll take as a sign that i really am turning pages.

#bookmarks

bullets

"withdraw from people, run away (literally), run to another person and quickly get into a relationship based on rash decisions, let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions, respond in anger at valerie, etc."

• withdraw from people 
  Evan and Allison have sent me at least ten texts each since i got back from camp. they even left baked treats at my doorstep when i never responded. they've e-mailed me as well. Brandon, closest male friend in this chapter, actually laid low for awhile because he knew about Val leaving but didn't attempt to warn me.
  
  i stopped gaming with him and Taylor and Ug on Wednesday nights, but i cancel each week because each time i hope that i'll feel good enough to have fun with them again. i also stopped gaming with Dave (Caleb's brother) and three other guys who normally depend on me as a team member. no notice given.
  
  i deleted my Facebook... well, that one's sort of obvious and kind of understandable by most who know my situation, i suppose. wouldn't that be great: to get a cornucopia of John Relphs leaving me messages and wallposts and pokes meant to cheer me up or advise me? =P
 
• run to another person and quickly get into a relationship
  this blog may not qualify, but it's certainly a step in that direction. if not for my recent re-awakening, i probably would have rambled on without restraint for weeks about how utterly desirable you are, never admitting to myself, "isaiah, i think you might be feeding something that isn't ever going to be sated. furthermore, it's getting stronger."
  
  the truth is that i still make plans about how to tell you about my feelings. i invite you to Yard House for your first Kostritzer and ask you to bring whatever you wrote me 'while i was gone'. i drive to La Mirada and ask if you have time to assist me in photographing the sun setting over the ocean (sometimes there's a lot of gear to carry... yeah). i arrange a surprise picnic on your campus. i write a serenade. i make a dinner paired to Apotheec White and light candles like i normally do (haha). i may not be running in to another relationship, but wow, i sure know how to make myself feel like i am (and get away with it).
 
• let their feelings overtake them and then make irrational decisions 
  geez. i think i've posted enough about this one, publicly and privately...
 
• respond in anger at Valerie 
  this may be the one i've conquered most in my time as a married peep. i will receive this part of your encouragement with little to no reservation, friend, for the amount of anger i could have allowed myself would have surely destroyed myself in part and my marriage in whole.

i desperately crave your in-person encouragement, and the incredible peace and warmth that would infuse me through conversation with you about the deep things of my life. a shoulder-touch would be especially appreciated right now.

perhaps later.

woe to my face & height

things are a little calmer in isaiah-land. yesterday was important. in a way, you panicking at dinner the day before was a great thing for me: it made me stop and think, "what am i doing? did i do that?" and then of course i responded, "i did do that... eff!!"

you didn't do it to give me an opportunity to show some actual wisdom (i don't have any clue what wisdom you think i'm showing so far), but it worked out that way. i feel closer to my actual age. i feel confident that i can hide several of my feelings from you without pitying myself and moping.

unfortunately i am still shorter than you, and can't really do much of a beard... but i have matured enough to not cry about that. in public.

sixteenteen

i'm sorry for not acting my age. and i'm sorry for saying that you send me back to junior high; that was false. my feelings and flaws send me back to junior high. you just happen to be around (in my life or in my mind) when they do. that's different.

i spent a great deal of time today reflecting, because i had to drive to Ridgecrest for work. that's two hours past Bakersfield, in the Mojave desert. so it's a 4-hour drive one-way if i don't stop. Kyle kept me company while i got to know myself a little better.

i reflected on my selfishness, my immaturity, and my mistakes. i don't know why i allowed my fooleeshness to go this far, but i know that my self-awareness has been at an all-time low, which makes things very dangerous for me and those around me. i have no excuses, but i do have a few explanations... if they matter at all, perhaps i'll one day share more of them.

anyways i also reflected on how implausible it is that you'd ever be as interested in me as i am in you. i realized how incredibly idiotic my daydreams have been, how the term "flight of fancy" is nowhere near sufficient. i think i actually launched myself into space and then somehow ended up orbiting a distant planet in an as-yet unknown galaxy.

i thought a lot about my sins of the past, especially in my relationship with Valerie, and realized that you would never want to get close to something as ugly as i am. even if i am as different now as i believe myself to be, and even if i am correct in believing our (proposed) relationship would be completely different, how could i ever convince you of that?! it makes me laugh to think of it now. implausible is an extremely gracious word to use in this case.

so i will do my best to correct myself. God help me.

passions

the things that excite you are the same things i would pursue if i had no unwanted obligations. this has nothing to do with my feelings for you, in its origin: it's been true for years. Dad's carpentry is probably the original inspiration for the crafting, along with my INTJ-ity. orchestration came from music in general, and concert band and the Church of Christ acapella style in particular.

all boyish obsession aside: it isn't true that i just like saying the word ("Danica"). this whole mess would be very simple to clean up if there were nothing substantial to it.

but there is, and it's the worst thing ever. i could probly do without the frosting, as delectable as it seems it would be. okay maybe i couldn't... but it isn't bothering me the way the cake is bothering me. aside from the fact that the cake isn't (and probably never would be) interested in me, it seems tailor-made for me. sorry for the "it" language.

a closer relationship with you is the best thing that's ever been unavailable to me.

Brandon asked me last night, "should i keep laying low? i know you said you're withdrawing from people. how much of Danica do you want to see? how much of me do you want to see?"

i had a choice at that point to either laugh hysterically or cover my face in shame and angueesh. i chose the latter. laughing would have been disrespectful and way too revealing.

how much do i want to see? just one of the five [maybe six] senses?!

don't be ridiculous, Brandon.

great scott, Marty...

you send me back to junior high.

i've never acted so far below my actual maturity level, as i have been acting recently, because of the way i feel about you. it's like i've suddenly lost 5 toes, at random, and have been asked to do parkour. it's just not do-able, and i'm not the only one who feels crappy when i fail at it.

but maybe this is all for the better because it will be simpler, and even though it will be far more painful for me, perhaps that's actually a good idea, compared to the alternatives.

tonight has taught me that i need to act my age. i'm sorry for my childishness. i feel completely off-balance around you and it's stupid to let that continue. please forgive me, for time, that i've waaaaasted...

invisible ink

i'm having a great deal of difficulty holding to my original decision to avoid you.

i was deep in the throes of a dozen feelings when i made that decision, which of course is part of the reason i made it. i knew that i was uncertain; i knew i was off-balance, and thus it became sort of necessary to sort of over-react.

well, then, perhaps i did not over-react after all, if it was necessary... but at the same time, i realize now that even though i'm depressed and still feeling many things, i am not as compromised as i was. not even close. i feel stronger, more confident. (Tuesday vs. Wednesday.)

but i don't want to confuse you, and i find that discussing my decisions helps to sharpen them. it also helps me execute them. so i've decided to e-mail you indulge myself in order to partially solve some of my emotional constipation.

thing is, i have to censor myself when i e-mail you, which sucks. so here, partly for your entertainment, is how the morning/afternoon of August 6th's e-mail SHOULD have read, with red text being anything i had to censor completely and strikethrough text being anything i had to alter (rather than remove).

~        ~        ~

i don't want you to be confused or unsure, and i feel like writing you all the time but usually can't, so i'm allowing myself some shared words of debatable necessity. it sets my teeth on edge to write so impersonally and guardedly, especially since i have so much mush to gush about and what i really want to do is tear down every wall and turn myself inside out so that nothing is hidden, but i am trying to be more disciplined.

my original decision to avoid close interaction with you was made at a time when i knew i was in one of the most precarious positions in my life. i was overwhelmed by a dozen feelings and thought that an over-reaction was prudent. and i still think it was. had i made the opposite decision, or even a weaker one, i probably would have revealed my true thoughts and feelings soon afterward, and you would have been in an extremely terrible position. what i said at the table was something like, "since you've been a source of comfort for me in the past..." but what i really wanted to say at the time was, "because i want to be with you 24/7/52 until the end of days."

because of the course my marriage has taken since then (i.e. the firm and terrible decisions Valerie has made regarding her attitudes, beliefs, and intentions), and because i have since that Monday night dinner regained a significant portion of my confidence and strength, i do not regret time spent at the Abbotts', nor outside of McDonald's, nor in Target. laughing with you and playing a game with you and enjoying alcohol with you and being invited by [all three of] you was a huge relief from what i was/am going through. i thought that i would regret it, and wondered if i should, but i've decided i do not that i would do it all again and more if any other opportunities had presented themselves.

i DO totally don't regret inviting you to my parents' house (ostensibly to see the improvements to the playhouse and smoke get our Penzance on, but really so that i could have some super-satisfying you-&-me time), and i must take that invitation captive for now. later on i plan to release it into the wild to frolick and gambol and caper and start its own family of little invitation-letts so that there's always some invitation for you to join me in something somewhere anytime.

if at any time you have questions desire to interact with me via any medium whatsoever for any purpose, whether noble or otherwise, i would like opportunities to consider answering them indulge the both of us.

still on fire, and still waiting for something or someone to knock some sense into me,
-i

#discipline

i hate the way i feel, and the situation i'm in. i miss you and the next several hours will be some of the worst of my week.

Valerie told me last night that she couldn't stop thinking about me. there's a longer story behind that but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll tell it later. the point is that i can stop thinking about her, and furthermore i must decide to do so regularly in order to avoid needlessly hurting myself. i have enough pain without thinking consciously about my marriage.

that thinking time should be set aside for situations where i can improve it somehow. this is contrary to my nature but i must set those sharp-edged puzzles aside for a time.

i have yet to find a way to truly conquer my morning depression, but i suspect i will be thinking of you in an attempt to at least dull the experience somewhat. i miss you again.

also on my mind today (and many others) is this PQ for me: could discipline (routine, health, rigorous self-care) be a weapon in my emotional battles?

live music

i am extremely lonely, and the only company i want is you. being with my family helps a little, even though they're all cheerful. the connection i have with you is so nourishing to me. and so potentially dangerous.

music is my substitute for you, for now. it isn't as reliable as you, but it's getting me by. tonight i feel like i'm in  desperate need of a camping trip or some other pleasant escape. do you realize that your company is like that for me? in some ways, you are like a vacation, complete with long drive (on cruise control) and a hammock-bed and dappled shade on a sunny, slightly breezy day. you're like a song i leave on repeat for days. well... weeks, i guess it is now.

your company today and yesterday was soothing & freeing, a huge relief from the weight and pain of this chapter.

you are living music to me.

maybe even a basquillion

i can't express in words, even here in secret, how being invited makes me feel. not just by you-- in general too. but especially by you. when you told me today you genuinely wanted to hang out, i felt like a million dollars. you know we hung out for 19ish hours Sat/Sun?

i don't understand you.

"is this okay?"

you're in a good mood today. and your hair looks extra good. and your voice and your eyes and your thoughts and your laugh and Dayyyaaanicaaa.

eff. my. life.

the sermon today echoes so much of what i rambled about at BF yesterday. i the song we sing says "You make all things work together for my good." in a different situation i'd not misinterpret that line; in fact i would critique most interpretations of it. today i just want to claim it and take advanteege of it.

sooooo you just finished re-de-odorizing, and i hate you right now because you jokingly invited me to look beneath your outer garment, and that's just cruel. i already find you a challenge not to stare at. geez... "is this okay?" ?!?!?! no, Danica, it's dangerously alluring. thanks though.

perhaps it is my fault for the way i joke with you (and Jerad). we joke about boobs and fajitas... why would i expect you to be sensitive to my vulnerability to your body?

i think i will have to email you about it. i don't want to evoke feelings of shame or guilt, but this must be done.

if i find later that you WERE aware of my feelings for you at the time of this incident, there will need to be a reckoning of some kind.

jerk.

secrets

the comment i left on your tumblr is gone, and my jaw is on the floor.

i thought i had it figured out in the shower just now. Danielle was my first non-childish guess. an older man at Biola was my second. and my third guess interpreted the statement as, "i generally have a tendency to feel romantic affection for people i shouldn't."

but now you've ruined those guesses, because my comment could've been (and was originally meant as) "how can there be anyone you shouldn't love the way God says to love?"

but you didn't take it that way. or... maybe you were afraid others would take it the wrong way???

i suppose the deletion could mean something i don't hope it means. but even so, it seems another clue to this man. i for one will think what i want. well... what my heart wants.

fartstravaganza

1st of all: fun. times. i felt like 5th wheel coming over (even though i was 4th), but wow did i need it. my life right now is... ransacked and on fire? purely-for-fun social times are a balm. i am so thankful for generous, welcoming people. i'm glad you didn't feel awkward (or didn't seem to, at least).

2nd of all: you cannot be serious on your tumblr. you cannot do this to me right now. confess ANYTHING else except that. there just isn't any excuse for something like that. perhaps i'm out of line replying... especially with the current embargo (which i myself instituted). but i just couldn't keep my cursor away from the reply button. how can you say something like that RIGHT NOW?!

sorry. apparently i've reverted to junior high. isaiah, let's handle this rationally:

the only plausible explanation is that it's someone else. thoughts of someone else prompted you to write that minutes after hanging out with me. it must be Ryan, or one of Ryan's friends. it's not like you had time to post whilst hanging out, right? so it could be any of those peeps. or maybe this person you love (but shouldn't) isn't even in town. maybe the fun times made you think of him.

that must be it. i must move on. my heart is complaining for some reason. shall i move on? let's move it along.

3rd of all: this is quite bad. i can't stop thinking about it. dang it. lemme start over.

3rd of all: you look really great in PJs. oh eff...

3rd of all: i love that confession-on-tumblr-time fell on a night when you drank. DANGIT--

3rd of all: music and smoking and talking with you today was excellent. not our best work, and lots of frustration and other negative-y-poos involved along the way, but laughter and harmony and theology and real talk and everything else good made up for it.

i feel like confessing as well, but that's pretty much the rest of this blog, so i'll leave you with this, Hypothetica: i wish the word 'confluence' sounded more affectionate and less academeec.

EDIT: i just posted something on tumblr about how being in love with you sucks. but i was roundabout about it.

take that. jerk.

confidant

part of me is in disbelief that i bared my heart to you so fully just now. i'm sure you had no idea i was thinking of you the whole time, but of course that made it more of a rush. it just worked out: it fit the topic, and i wanted so badly to say it. perhaps Jerad suspected, but whatever.

i now understand the origin (or at least, what i hope to be the origin) of the term "secret admirer." i used to think it meant shy crush. now i interpret it literally: one who admires in secret.

thing is, it isn't secret, cause i just told you that i admire you. to your face. in front of a mutual friend. but it's still secret because you have no idea that the admiration goes deeper, nor do you detect the notes of romance. at least i don't think you do.

whatever may pass, thank you for being a trustworthy confidant... for listening to me talk a lot. for really hearing and understanding me, and for responding with valuable words and genuine interest. thank you for valuing me as much as you do (in the way you treat me). it has made a difference.

by the way, i hope you don't feel like you didn't do anything to help me through a hard time. i think i said this in a previous post, but i'll say it again, and expand a tiny: you have helped me. you don't know it, at least not fully, but you did so nonetheless. knowing you care helps, knowing you would have done whatever you could helps, and having someone to talk to helps. having someone close to my age, who is female, who is Christlike, helps.

may God bless your you-time, dear friend, dear confidant. your hypothetical you is an excellent listener. (as the real you is.)

i fervently hope for an opportunity to impress the meaning and depth of these words (all of them, the whole blog) upon your mind and heart. sooner rather than later, if God wills it.

please words

i want to speak but i don't know what to say, and i miss you but can't contact you because i don't have a legitimate business reason. so i photoshopped you. i'm creeping a tiny but who cares. you probably will never see this blog anyway.

essential hobbies

one of the things that clued me in to my affections for you was the quickly lengthening list of things i wanted to do with you on a regular basis. for example, i think sampling and brewing tea is a worthy pursuit, if it can be prioritized and organized well... like on evenings when one makes dinner with someone else who also enjoys tea. it's fun to experiment and learn recipes and make food that's cheaper than going out but tastes just as good or better (and nourishes you well).

also music-listening (without distraction). i'm sorry if that was ever supes awk, but seriously, i will be doing that forever, with or without company. the thing is, i love doing it with company (of a particular kind); not every time, but i would never want to give it up entirely. and i think a couple times a month would not be too much.

we talked one time about meeting every once in awhile to discuss tips on hacking life: understanding some fundamentals from a scientific but very practical, down-to-earth perspective, so that we can do things like sleep well and find reliable sources of motivation.

songwriting is on my list too, although it's often elusive. i think it deserves regular pursuit.

real camping. with hikes (which i used to consider boring), campfire-cooked meals, and tent-hammocks, and photographs, and jaw-dropping views, and waterfalls with secret caves behind them (sans Batman; sorry, but i wouldn't share you). i really wouldn't mind going once a month.

i have to go; this is my lunch break. i have more. i'll add them later.

EDIT: a stretch & exercise routine.makes hikes more fun, and makes me a more energetic person. and i'm emotionally healthier and more motivated when i am working out regularly. doesn't have to be chronic cardio (which i know aggravates your asthma?)... could be tabata sprints. could be burpees (not the gross kind).


i feel like long drives would sort of work their way into a life like this, and i wouldn't want to just go gas-guzzling, but there's something special about the driving portion of a road trip. maybe somethingS special. it deserves mention.


carpentry of some kind. perhaps restoring eld furniture, or building from scratch if the resources are available.


Evan & Allison read to each other. i'm jealous of both of them. even if the book weren't discussion-evoking, i could easily get used to having someone (okay, you) read to me. and vice versa.


i can't decide if wine and tobacco need their own bullet point, when i've already mentioned making dinner, tea, camping, and music. this one might be like driving: it gets integrated into the rest.

absence makes the heart grow

this is the scale:

1. doing music
2. the above, with good instrumentalists
3. the above, plus good vocalists
4. the above, plus they are your close friends
5. the above, plus you're musically accustomed to each other and therefore mesh naturally
6. doing music with you

satisfaction might be not quite the right word. i find that it's much like the first ginger beer i had: it was delicious, but it made me want more, and so i had some more, which made me want more even more... repeat ad voluptatem.

i realize i was especially biased tonight. i realize i was deprived for what seemed like ages (a week or two), and the need had been sort of building. yes, i needed the opportunity for self-expression. and yes, my feelings for you compounded it all. plus they were both songs i like anyway.

but even when none of those circumstances are in place, the scale above is accurate. if i could do music with only one person for the rest of my life... i would make that person eggs and lightly sweetened iced black tea.

thank you for including me tonight. and for the maj7.