epilogue

i've never re-written one piece so many times. i think it's because i never clearly defined my goals for it. i'm learning in this chapter of life that making strong decisions based on both thoughts & feelings is one of life's most important skills, and that the process of defining a goal precisely, and thoroughly, can make the difference between failing and succeeding.

it was so difficult to write also because i had so many strong feelings and difficult memories to process, and not enough help in doing so. i hope the words i've chosen so carefully (over a period of months) will be meaningful to someone other than myself; if not, i'm very willing to answer questions.

i'm angry with you, and have been since... the beginning of this year, maybe longer. i'm angry because you didn't really "pause" our friendship. i don't know if a friendship can be paused. it's being either nourished or neglected, and the latter has consequences.

i know i "paused" our friendship for a couple weeks in early 2013, but you remember how that turned out. i ended up driving to La Mirada on a work night because Melody "ratted you out," so to speak.  :)  and maybe a friendship can be "paused" for a brief time, especially with planning and communication that happen in preparation.

this situation wasn't like that.

i was really happy. content, even. sure it wasn't always the most comfortable-- i won't say i was entirely at ease, picking out paint colours with you at Lowe's-- but i was happy. that's not to say i couldn't have enjoyed even more time, more closeness with you, but i didn't feel the driving need for more, like i had the previous year. i think getting all of that off my chest, letting it air, was really helpful... and, i hope you know how much i value your hard work in adapting to that issue.

i'm proud of the work we did.



most of that work started unraveling, late September last year, when you left my place in the middle of a project. i say it started to unravel because, if we had spoken again within, say... a week, to make a plan, to talk at least a little bit about what we wanted. to come up with some kind of goal... maybe in the wake of such strong emotions we couldn't have been very precise, and certainly not thorough, but we could've begun the work, at least. if we had done that, things wouldn't have had time to unravel completely.

instead, i waited for you.

this is a really crucial part of the story, from my own perspective; and to others, it might seem like an attitude-of-entitlement problem on my side. i don't want it to come across that way. i just want you to understand what it's like, to be abandoned by one's best friend, and then wait... while still seeing that person on a regular basis. tertiary shti completely aside, it's still one of the harder things i've had to do in life.

i was ready, friend. i didn't need to wait. honey badger don't care what's in the way of something supremely valuable. i mean, i don't believe exceptional initiative & determination can solve any problem... i would never claim that. but they're certainly helpful when paired with thoughtfulness and good communication. and when have we ever lacked that? (except recently.)

i'm coming to accept that there are many things about this friendship that i could never understand, even if we talked openly about them for hours. okay, well... honestly, that's okay. mysteries are, eventually, acceptable. the things that trip me up, the things i seem unable to accept, are contradictions. and since i'm aware of the strong negative connotations of that word, i wanna take my time explaining why i'm using it.

Brittany, my cousin, wants to sing like Christina Aguilera. she states this and other similar wishes fairly often. she's been in choirs, sung on our worship team, and sings along with the radio or Spotify all the time. and every time she expresses this wish with me nearby, i respond, out loud: "you can sing like that! just takes the right kind of practice."

i know Brittany really does want to sing well. i know how much she would enjoy it, because i see how much i've enjoyed my own progress over the years. i know she is capable of hard work, capable of thinking constructively about how to improve herself, capable of a great many things. but the reality is that, vocally, she's improved very little. does she sing well? yes; much better than many. does she sing better than she did five years ago? ... not sure about that one.

and maybe "contradiction" is too strong a word for this kind of thing (which, as you know, is present in probably everyone's lives): we want things but don't take any steps toward them. this has been true of me in every chapter of life, in big and small things. but i haven't found a replacement word yet, and really, if i want to challenge myself, i should keep the word with all its strength and potential to convict.

i think the way to deal with these "contradictions" is to set aside a time to either begin pursuing them (the things i want), or else discard completely my expectations for them. easy example: my room is messy, and i dislike that. i should either stop being bothered by it (which i am capable of doing), or else begin putting things away. i don't have to finish it right then; i just need to believe that my desire for change is real. if i want to retain my right to be disappointed in myself,  :)  then i need to be actually trying to succeed.



so there i was last winter, waiting for you to be actually trying something. anything. a few messages here and there. you asked me a couple times how i was doing. and almost every week, i endured your company, and tried to figure out a way to both be more comfortable, and also make you more comfortable while i waited. and the friendship, not paused but rather neglected, um.. atrophied.

i think you were right about the five love languages. i thought about your question for several more hours, and realized your guess was dead-on. i'm not sure how you arrived at that conclusion about me, but.. uhm, good job! quality time is the clear victor. everything else i could do without, and still be close with someone. as i get older time becomes more consciously valuable to me, and i have less and less of it to give to each person or pursuit in my life... and therefore i value it more when i receive it from others.

at a more fundamental level, though: i need it. i need quality time in order for a friendship to be noureeshed. furthermore, i seem to be in more desperate and immediate need of it, lately.



i feel obligated (and glad!) to acknowledge the lasting value of long-established friendships which, when free of conflict, can often be picked up again after years of neglect. if King Andrew moved back to Fresno, we'd hang out again like we did every day (and many nights) during my first year at Vanguard. same with Stephanie (my Stephanie), same with Caleb, although we had to work through his transition into family life.

this ^ is different for me because of all the shit we've been through. not the external shit that we've helped each other through, but the internal. and because i see in you a "contradiction."

you want to be friends, but you're not willing to do the things that friends do. do we have different definitions of friendship? sure. different definitions of true friendship? probably, somewhat different at least. but for me-- and, i should point out that this is increasingly true of me-- i define friendship very, very narrowly. it's more than being careful with words, which i almost always am. it's about being careful with my heart and mind... it's about being careful with my life. if i keep someone at a distance nowadays, it's most likely for my own health, and in many cases theirs as well. if i invite them close, it's either because i'm addressing a specific need using one or more of my specific giftings... or, it's because i'm trying to build friendship.

so: if you're avoiding 1-1 time with me for the sake of your health, then... i have to support that, even if i believe that it could be good for you. i know how good it is for me not only because i've considered it from so many different perspectives and emotional states of being, but also because i've experienced it, over a period of years. the Israelites knew that the Lord their God was one; they gave mental assent to the idea, and they felt it at their core.

and maybe it's possible for someone to be both good & bad for your health. that's true of people for me. my parents are a great example of that. you can probably relate.

so, if that's what i am-- someone both good and bad for you, as a close friend-- then i will have to accept that. i'm working on it. it's difficult for me because i don't see the bad side of it. i neither give mental assent to it, nor experience it. there were times like 4th of July last year, when things felt so perfect. if Jesus had come back and asked me, "hey uhh... is now a good time? i'm gettin' kinda antsy up there." i would've asked Him for but a half hour more, so i could finish that stolen cigar. and then i would've happily gone, despite all my projects half-done, despite all the unsaved souls... hm. i'm not a good person.

my point is, i was good to go. i could've gone on that way, with our friendship exactly the way it was, indefinitely. my opinion of you is unchanged. i still hold you in the highest esteem, still consider you unsurpassed in multiple kinds of beauty, still grateful beyond what i can express for everything you've given me, and for everything you've accepted from me.

but this waiting i've been doing needs to stop. it is poisoning me. i've felt anger and pain turning into bitterness. worship team in particular has been.. torturous. singing with you was, partly, an expression of our friendship, and even now i still feel pseudo-close to you when we harmonize. i feel fulfilled. ...but, it's a lopsided fulfillment. the 'pseudo-' prefix comes from the fact that you are intentionally keeping me at a distance, so i don't feel free to enjoy your company anymore. i guess that's because i'm really not free to enjoy it anymore.

but i'm so drawn to you, every time i hang out with you, and since it isn't allowed, and since i don't understand why it isn't allowed, my agitation builds up and combines with everything that's happened and creates bitterness. and there's nothing i can do about that. i need to stop wrestling with something i can't beat. i am very happy to wrestle anything, for the sake of such a valuable friendship, but honestly, the ball's not in my lane. it's in yours. and i am moving on. fighting for something without a plan for winning that fight may be... noble? ...in a twisted sense, but that doesn't make it a good idea. even fighting for something simply by being patient, isn't a good idea in some cases.



if at some point in the future you'd like to hang out, you know, like... without a chaperone... i'd like to talk about that possibility. i'm not waiting for you anymore, but i'm not saying goodbye forever either. i just can't do these... pictures of cigars, and beer, and reviews of wine, anymore. i need to actually smoke a cigar with someone in order to engage in friendship. i need to actually eat and drink with them in order to be merry. the stuff of true friendship makes the casual stuff meaningful for me, not the other way around. i understand some people use those things to ease into friendship, but for me all of that falls into the "fake it 'til you make it" category. i possessed an inherent aversion to fakeness already; it's only grown, over time, and i find myself making new boundaries now, of necessity.

another thing that bothers me (in addition to casual interactions unsupported by substance), is watching you form friendships with other individuals. Gianna, Stephanie, even Jerad, whom you interact with throughout the week. and i understand that Gianna & Steph are... well, female. but you know how insignificant that boundary is to me. i respect the inherent differences between male-male and male-female friendships, but you and i approach them so differently (now). maybe if you had never let me so close to you, i wouldn't be having such a hard time with the distance now. who knows.

full disclosure: even though a lot of the interaction you have with Jerad revolves around ministry work, practical stuff, et cetera, i'm still jealous of that. i would love to have that. working together can be a substantial investment in a friendship. i miss that. i would be nourished by it. but watching it occur from a distance, between two individuals who don't have much time for friendship with me, and with whom i have been very close in the past? it isn't healthy, no matter the amount of good intentions on their end[s]. at best it's painful. at worst it feeds my bitterness. i feel as though everything i put into these friendships is falling apart. so, being around the two of you, but not with you, is actually terrible for me. it goes even further than that: if you're around Jerad when i am, i feel less inclined to interact with him, because his closer friend is present. (i know it isn't a competition; this isn't junior high. but there are some valid social dynamics at work that hinder me.)

similarly: talking about good things that we want to happen in the future is not enough for me to have a friendship with someone. this applies really well to Jerad. we have so many good things that are technically available to us to enjoy, yet it comes down once again to my most important love language: quality time. i don't just prefer it. i need it. my friendships will atrophy without it. when i do have it, every thing else falls into its respective place of value: all the inside jokes, common interests, etc. but without it i can't function in a friendship. so despite the superlative quality and potential that my friendship with him has, i have to accept the reality of things: that he may soon be taking on some very demanding responsibilities, and that these will likely leave him with even less time for me than he has currently.



these are the decisions i have to make, and my explanations for making them. i welcome your questions; i'll even take them in writing (or typing). or on the phone, despite how much i normally dislike phone calls.

what i will not welcome any longer, is all the trappings of friendship, without the substance of it. outside of a friendship that's sustained by quality time, i don't want any casual texts. i don't want any casual interactions. at best they're empty; in this case they're painful, like... ghost pains in an amputated limb. people pay $$, to go through therapy, to eliminate those. i'm doing away with them. to be extra clear: i would withstand any amount of pain in defense of an actual, current friendship. but to go through that for something that hasn't existed for months is foolishness.

our friendship has been doing the zombie walk. i won't support that any longer. i would be glad to resurrect it, given the opportunity. i would be literally overjoyed. please believe that.



since high-school i've campaigned for a narrow definition of the verb 'love.' acts of sacrifice, and the giving of intangible resources have become my favourite ways to express it. and i recognize myriad other modes of expression. but one of the ways people often use it, seems to indicate fondness or affection. it's that definition that's becoming the norm for me with each of you, and, ironically, our increasing lack of closeness will make it easier for me to think of you fondly.

worded more simply: most of the time, when someone says "i love you" what they really mean is "you matter to me in my heart." this feels a little bit silly to me, because what difference is that supposed to make in my life?

i know both of you have made many, many sacrifices for me. you've both expressed your care for me in very tangible ways, in the past. i treasure those memories. most of my favourite ones consisted of mutual care and enjoyment of life. those experiences made our friendship very well-nourished; some of the best-nourished of my life, in fact. ...but they are in the past.

and this is me, accepting that. now i'll be able to listen to the Weepies and the Honey Trees without getting upset. i'll actually enjoy some of my favorite artists again! even Nickel Creek has been somewhat of an emotional battle each time i played them. i'll play them more often now, without any of those dark feelings that should never have obscured them. i tell you this because i want you to know that this decision is good for me in many ways. it may seem a small thing, for me to be able to freely enjoy certain musicks, but for me it's big, and represents something even bigger: health.

for everything you've given to me, including but not limited to health, i am endlessly grateful. i would enjoy regular opportunities to love you and to be loved, to enjoy and to be enjoyed. but for now i'll start learning how to be content with simply valuing what we shared.

thank you over and over, and again after that.

100% down

when you sang "Breathe" last night, at the high end of your range, i almost made the same noise you made when you drank my tea Sunday night. i had the right to remain silent. i told you that you looked like summer, but what i wanted to say was that you looked like an angeleec vision. i was so overwhelmed (and have been for days) that i stayed another hour after you left last night, to vent to Jerad. we talked about the possibility of you & i. and now that i've phrased it that way, now that i've told him what i intend to do about you, i find it more real than before. it feels freeing.

dtr iii

i just finished another long conversation with you. this was one of the most satisfying, because you came out from behind your walls and veils, and, ironically (since you were speaking of your fears of intimacy), it actually granted us some intimacy. 

when it comes to my romantic heart, nothing satisfies me more than intimacy with you. which i know is a huge problem. but that knowledge didn't stop me from enjoying you. my whole being shivered at finally reaching out and touching your genuine thoughts, bared despite your fear.

i know we're both deciding not to date; me deciding not to date at all, and you deciding not to date me. but really, is that necessary? james says it's not a huge deal if we *plan* to date in the future, and enjoy each other's company in the meantime. somewhat cautiously. well... responsibly, anyway. but also somewhat freely. willingly. emotionally. vulnerably. intensely. HEY I'M WRITING THIS POST GO AWAY

*ahem* sooo yes. i'm actually crossing my fingers that all this junk in the way (commitments to self, mature adult decisions, instructions from God) will dissipate like Pismo's morning clouds, so that we can move on to the next thing for us. (that would be "us" of course.)

i love you so much. i will rejoice in nothing less than the best for you.

also, i'm in love with you so much. i can't stop thinking semi-rational thoughts about how everything you are is what i desire.

so, status quo. FML.

Father, please give me what i want. or if not, then direct me in some other pursuit, and help me see & find in that Your good, pleasing, and perfect will. amen

i need somebody; not just anybody

i don't really know what to say right now. i'm roiling with a hundred thoughts and feelings that i cannot identify or express; and even if i could, i'd feel boxed in, unable to share any of them with you.

what i know for sure is that i miss you in a very chaotic, frustrated, tremulous way right now, and i have no idea how i am going to deal with this. now, as before, you are too much for me to take in. i might burst at the seams.

help

dtr ii

this is hard for me. i hope you will be patient, and gracious. i sort of need you to be.

the night before you left Fresno for your Fall '12 semester, we talked outside the Abbott's neighborhood. i vomited all over the place emotionally; i don't remember most of what i said. but i do remember explaining to you that my desire for friendship with you (not just the metaphysical bond, but the content, the activity) has increased since we first met. y = 1/2x, or something, if you don't mind a little algebra.

that has continued to be true, and i really have no idea how to make it level off. the truth is that that plane that should have landed in Platonia actually left Earth's atmosphere some time ago.

and i am sorry. i have done what i know to do, everything short of moving to a different city and cutting off all communication. i've written over a hundred posts about it, talked with the Mendels for hours and hours (mostly Jerad), didn't speak with you for two weeks... at the beginning (last fall), i even tried removing myself from worship team activities. that actually backfired and made things worse.

i've tried rationalizing it by explaining to myself that i've been emotionally compromised. i've tried redefining my relational categories. i've tried reinvesting even more in the lives of other people, including guys. i've tried shaming myself. i've tried denial (hoping it would 'take' or something and allow me to change my thought patterns on a more subconscious level).

i really can't, though. everything i try either fails or makes it worse. the truth is that, as far as i can tell, i won't ever be satisfied with the amount of closeness we have. maybe something will change in the future, but if so, i have no way of predicting or controlling it. spending time with you makes me want more. not spending time with you makes me want more.

~     ~     ~

i was talking to a guy friend a few months ago about relationships. he was frustrated that his attempts to reach out to people for platonic closeness were not being reciprocated. he wondered if he could come up with some strategy to inspire people to respond to him with more enthusiasm.

i basically told him this: "anonymous friend, there is something very awkward about two people who want two different things out of a relationship. if one person's up here and the other person's down here, they might even want the same thing, but in differing amounts... and that's not going to work out well for them, if they want a good friendship. at best, the one who wants more will have to constantly struggle to contain that, while the other strives to be patient and not uncomfortable. which is very difficult."

our situation (as i see it) is actually much worse than that. if left to my own motivations, with no hindrances, i would simply spend as much time with you as my personal health allowed... and because of the nature of my feelings, the content of the time spent together would not remain strictly platonic.

on top of that, your desire for friendship with me has occasionally been challenged in the past (if i have understood you correctly) by a somewhat compromising motivation toward something other than platonic friendship. i can say that better: you can't always be certain that what you want for us isn't romantic. and, the romantic desire is neither easily controlled nor entirely healthfully motivated.

on top of that i'm still married until may 18th, but that seems almost a peripheral matter, as you & i currently have no plans to cease being friends any time soon.

that's what i want to talk about.

~     ~     ~

i don't know how to stop being completely in love with everything you are, head to toe, from your flaws to your virtues. our mutual intense care, and our strong friendship, have provided a foundation for this... new something, on my side. it won't let go, and it's causing me problems.

"what problems?"

all, effing, sorts. first of all, i've apparently begun speaking without thinking. i'm sure you can recall a few awkward moments; i'd rather not recall them, let alone describe them here. i've also gone through phases where you were so stuck in my mind, that i forgot important things. three times i left my backpack (with wallet) in the office when driving out of town for an inspection. three or four times i locked my keys in my car because i had just been texting you or thinking about you. when we do get to hang out, i almost and/or actually cry just because i'm so happy to be near you.

i could go on. mostly i've moved on from the worst of it, but that's partly because you're at school.

anyway. i don't really see many options. i can't stand the idea of you having to endure my strong feelings / desires; i can't stand the thought of you having to manage that in our friendship. i don't see any reason why you would want to or need to. i feel like i have to keep my distance from you or else the way you draw me will override whatever decisions i try to make and pull me past the boundaries of your comfort zone. not that i would ever harm or disrespect you, but it's possible to make you uncomfortable with just a few hasty words; it doesn't take recklessness. it just takes me being honest and open, for crying out loud. and since when was it a good idea for me not to be honest & open?!

well, since now, i guess. i am still not sure whether i want you to read what i've written to you over the past 6 months or so. the best i can say for it is that it will certainly be overhwelming to you in some way. okay i lied: i really want you to read everything i wrote. that's kind of the point i'm trying to make: i am obviously not 100% in control of what i reveal to you about my heart. and that is a problem.

the thing that would make a huge difference in all of this is some kind of clear, strong directive from you. an injunction, even. "isaiah, if you really can't put this to death, then lock it up in the dungeon and let me be oblivious to it."

i could do that. we would have to really cut back, of course; i don't think our parables music project would be an option for me, anymore. music itself is so intimate, for me, and music with you is intoxicating. i'd end up with my heart on my sleeve. or forehead. or throwing it at your face.

worship team would be a possibility, but i'd have to avoid duets and standing next to you.

being close to your family is another thing i'd have to give up. i mean we're not close friends but i hang with Paige sometimes, and i try to make Halle smile, and i bring your parents pie. that would all have to go.

basically we'd be acquaintances. at this point, i don't see any other options.

we should talk. you said you wanted a little control, if you had to give me up. some say in the process. let's talk about that. when you're free.

oh one more quick thing: i need you to understand that anything i've done out of care for you, has really been out of care for you, not out of romance. i am confident in who i am and why i do things. i loved you long before i fell in love with you, and haven't stopped yet.

yeah... i love you. ......and also i'm in love with you, and i'm genuinely, truly sorry about that. eff me. i don't know that i could have prevented it, but i certainly would have tried, if i'd seen it coming. anyway... yeah. let's talk. i'm sorry. thanks for reading, as always. if this ends the way i have been expecting it to, then... thank so you much for everything you have done and been, for everything you've shared with me. it leaves me speechless. thank you. i don't think i will ever meet or even hear tell of anyone as beautiful and enjoyable and wonderful as you have been to me.

:(

i can't stop missing you more and more.

prayer

loving Father

Your kindness and grace have drawn us to You, and we thank You for it. we praise You for Your justice & mercy, Your strength and gentleness, Your discipline & compassion. we acknowledge Your ownership of all things, including our very hearts.

i come to You confidently to ask for Holy Spirit's blessing on my precious sister Danica. she is strong and brave, but tired, and she has many battles left to fight. i ask for You to help her fight them. Spirit, i ask You to include Yourself in her routines and her habits (good and bad). i beg You to interpose Yourself between her motivations and her actions, to search her heart and purify it for her every day, every hour, every moment.

i ask that the inevitable efficacy of Your Word prove itself in the arena of her life. fill her mind with Scripture, with encouragement from Your own mouth. fill her ears with the kind words of trusted friends. fill her heart with confidence that Your fierce devotion to her will never cease. gift her with unexpected blessings from the rest of the body. lead her into places & moments of true quiet, where she can hear Your voice and whisper back, knowing You will listen and even act on her behalf.

please remind her of everything You have already done. please remind her of how important she is to You, and to others. please remind her of Your desire to bring her fully to life, and of Your ability to do so. please convince her that she is not the sum of her choices, not bound by her mistakes or sins, not destined for anything other than perfection. please convince her of her beauty as Your image, as Your creation, as Your redeemed one.

i ask also that You provide for her relational needs, in every way, in Your perfect timing, so that she lacks nothing and has You to thank for everything.

we will credit You with each victory and submit to You each defeat, that You may use it for Your plan, for our good, for Your glory. we will praise Your name no matter how our fallenness weighs on us, tortures us, hinders us. we want to worship You in every circumstance. we will give to You our anger, frustration, desperation, bitterness, weakness, envy, self-loathing, loneliness, and sadness, trusting that You are faithful to care for us no matter where we are or what we are feeling.

thank You for loving us over and over again, without faltering, without growing weary of us.

i pray in Your son's all-powerful name, by which we are saved.

~     ~     ~

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you, wherever He may send you. May He guide you through the wilderness, protect you through the storm. May He bring you home rejoicing at the wonders He has shown you.
May He bring you home rejoicing once again into our doors.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

amen

HOME

this is unfinished. it'll prolly stay that way (apropos).

wipe the sun from my eyes
bid farewell to the light
slip through the gate
into shadows of oak and pine

home is a strange word
it writhes and it coincides
with places I might never find

but if I get there
if I get there
will you be there to welcome me
or will fate twist and turn the tide

home is a dancer, staying
two steps ahead of me and my
two left feet
home is a feather on the wind
it spins a tale that I
believed I could write myself into
I believed I could share a space on the pages with you

but if I get there
if I get there
who will be there to welcome me?
will fate stand between us
and draw us, or leave us?

plans

tonight i spoke with Jerad again about disclosure. he seems to finally be warming up to it.

on the our-friendship front, though, things are just getting weirder and more distant, i feel. i am almost not sorry for going snerberderng without you; but maybe it was actually an accidentally helpful move on my part.

i feel you drifting away. i am sort of beginning to truly accept that.

that said... i miss you and love you so much. i'm so sorry and so grateful. i'm so wishful and not very hopeful. i am praying God leads me down paths that are best for you and for His plans.

i miss you and love you so much again. all the time. i mostly don't care to break that down anymore. it's breaking me down to live this way so eff it.

i miss and love you.

wisdom

apparently there is a possibility that i am using the pleasure i get from our friendship, to mask the pain of my loss.

i am skeptical. but i must investigate. where is that book i requested? :)

NYE

2013, and i'm still in love. might as well be 2012... except that you spent time with me, JUST me. and hugged me! without me asking!!!!

so it's a good year. except that i'm still in love with you.

fuck.

fire

nope. i checked. i'm still fallen for you.

the difference is that the dream of fulfillment is dying. the emotions that fueled the irrational fantasy are running out. so what's left now is sort of like that guy from Greek mythology, the one who stole fire from the gods.

he burned pretty brightly for awhile, toured around and stuff. but later on he got caught and then chained to a rock, where birds came and ate his innards every day and he was reborn each morning to be eaten alive again and again.

being morbid and pseudo-historical with my metaphors is a really classy way of throwing a pity-party. but it's also important (in this case) to be real and track the progress of this strange, one-of-a-kind animal.

#geotagged #research #fml

taking in the ocean

there is a small possibility that the beach underneath my love for you is eroding.

...finally

some biases are okay with me

you're totes perf.

sacrifices

i think, even though it would certainly affect our relationship negatively, i would give up my sense of hearing to be with you.

the [really] long answer

"i just want to know what you want to tell me"

no. you don't.

ghosts

many things haunt me. mistakes i have made, sins i have committed. acts and sins committed against me. i am aware of many scars, and will ever be, though the pain from most of them has faded away.

your impression upon me is one of the few ghosts that will hurt in a good way. the beauty of your harmony will remain sharp enough to cut me for a very long time... a song i wrote but never sang.

if i ever again experience a beauty comparable to yours, i will sell all i have to buy the field in which i find it.

spotify

as i shuffle through my playlist[s], i come to the stunning realization that it feels like i'm breaking up with someone.

this is just one of the many areas of my life that you've shaped and formed... just one of the many ways you have shaped me. sharing music might be a casual thing for some, but when someone gives me an artist or even a single track that moves me, that person is leaving a permanent fingerprint on my mind and heart. it's like smell is for most people: an instant connection that can take me years into the past, to the same feeling i felt then (the same both in quality and in quantity).

so alexi murdoch, the jennys, even nickel creek (which i knew of before you, but formed a new connection with through you)-- they all draw me back to you, as i'm trying to walk away from you.

so now i am angry, because i can't even listen to my favorite music without feeling like a part of me is being ripped away.

FML

most likely this post will contain nothing productive or constructive. i just need to vent. i really hope it isn't just the lack of inhibitions due to alcohol...

i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.

my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.

well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.

but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.

"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.

"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."

translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.

i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.

i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.

that does not change what i experience on my side.

i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!

fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.

goodnight friend. i love you.

day two

the distance is killer.

i endure it by writing poetry and planning future conversations. every once in awhile i become aware that i prolly need to be processing my marriage... and so i do that for about three or four minutes. then i run from the pain by going back to my sweet daydreams.

i am too exhausted and stressed to finish this post...

i miss you. i may be foolishly, unhealthfully in love, but that doesn't negate the friendship we had, or have, or whatever. pseudo almost romance.

i'm sorry i ruined things

hatred

today sucked you-know-whats. i have about 8 distinct negative emotions all regarding you & i and it's nauseating and i hate it. it's making me question my decisions.

we need to talk.

john mayer - wheel

people have the right to fly
and will when it gets compromised
their hearts say "move along"
their minds say "guide your heart"
let's move it along
let's move it along

and airports
see it all the time
where someone's last goodbye
blends in with someone's sigh
cause someone's coming home
in hand a single rose

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and i won't be the last
no i won't be the last,
to love her

and you can't build a house of leaves
and live like it's an evergreen
it's just a season thing
it's just this thing that seasons do

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and you won't be the first
no you won't be the first
to love me

you can find me, if you ever want again
i'll be around the bend, i'll be around the bend
i'll be around, i'll be around
and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again
you just might wave hello again

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now

you can't love too much, one part of it
you can't love too much, one part of it

i believe that my life's gonna see
the love i give return to me

still crying

i really don't want to leave you.

worship

your relationship with God is important to me tonight because your worship, and your public display of it, helped me see that you will be fine without me. i always said that but my heart always convinced me to ignore it, or perhaps even to believe otherwise.

that's why i asked you months ago whether you were receiving what you needed from people. and you gave some high percentage. well, i think that number will remain largely unchanged; or if not, then it will recover quickly. you have other friends who will take care of you. you have roommates who pray for you, right there in your apartment, out loud. you have Jerad and Heather and your brother Ryan and your difficult friend Alyssa. you have your mom, sisters, and a dad who genuinely cares about you, which is a big deal. you have Pastor Cameron.

also you have crushes. and lots of superb opportunities (not all of which you have yet met) to be romantically fulfilled someday. i am starting to feel like i might actually be truly happy when that occurs. i will possibly also be crushed and pouty for a year or two; but i can be those and happy simultaneously.

fuck.

shit.

i care about you a lot. i think i will keep praying for you, unless i am convicted not to.

denouement

i love you. also i'm in love with you. also i'm extremely holistically unmistakably in love with you.

this is a huge problem that needs to be solved. the fact that love needs to be solved seems like the worst thing ever. i will do my best.

seal. seal everything.

i'm crying. good. i had better fucking cry, because i was not exaggerating. i am not over-reacting. it's stupid to give up on something so good, so fucking good. it's stupid to invest less in a relationship (see how i'm following my advice to you?) that brings you to life. it's stupid to abandon someone who loves you, and is good at it.

it's stupid to find someone with whom you share a dozen things in common, some of them the most important things in your life... and then ditch that. it's stupid to say to a beautiful girl who [at least once, and maybe more than once] daydreamed about building a life with you, "goodbye."

as far as non-sinful things go, it's about the stupidest thing i will have ever done. just like how, in the realm of non-spiritual & non-inherited treasures, i've never valued anything or anyone more.

fuck everything. i hate being a grown up. can we please just say everything we haven't said yet and then emotionally unfold and then get close enough to taste each other's thoughts and hear each other's silent prayers? can we please just get that over with so that i don't feel like i'm quoting tumblr on what's supposed to be a productive private blog?

i should never have talked to you about being less friendy with you. i should have simply done it and never invited any discussion about it. i should have faded out slowly, the way i did with other people in high-school. i should have not thought so highly of myself that i would consider myself needed by you.

i've been far more foolish than i thought, which is saying quite a bit.

God, please help me act in cruel and terrible and reasonable wisdom.

amen

it's really all just fucked up

maybe i don't need all these words. maybe that title is enough.

i want to demolish the dam holding back your tears and hold you until you've cried them all. it is okay if you get some snot on my shirt; i will dress grungy (not techy) in preparation.

i want to hear you tell me about how your family's decisions make you feel. it is okay if only half your words are intelligible; the point isn't to accurately exchange information. it's to connect emotionally, so that you can be emptied & filled as needed.

i want to be close to you in every way.

but what's really going to happen, if i do what i should, is this: we're going to not be friends anymore.

taking in the ocean

heavy waves roll overhead
every current has its way
but i can't recall the fall
and i don't remember sinking
breathing was easy with you nearby
until you became the sea, and called to me

i'll gladly give up land and sky
for a glimpse of you in motion
a few words from you to me
is like taking in the ocean

the waves roll on within me
every current bids me speak
but i can't unveil the truth yet
and i forget what i am thinking, when i
hear you crash against my shores, i can't decide:
will i live always in longing, or abandon breath itself and dive?

i gladly gave up air and pride
to be swallowed by emotion
now, a few words from you to me
and i'm taking in the ocean

my lungs will have their fill of you
in a fit of raw devotion
and a few more words from you to me
will drown me blissfully

a few more words from you to me
and i'll be taking in the ocean

"i want it so badly"

how about you pay for my new heartstrings after you break the first set? :P

you may never know the treasure you are to me, lady Danica. i consider your beauty and character unsurpassed, yet i'm bound to speak little of it, though it would do you good, i think. part of me can't wait to spill everything; the rest of me scoffs and pities that part.

i will take a small bit of pride in that, even intoxicated, i rein myself in pretty well... but i take no pleasure in that.

Father, please guide Danica into a romance that far exceeds her expectations, and teach her how to be humble yet still fully accept the love offered to her.

amen

#tbs

today was the worst in quite awhile. i don't know why... i'm guessing it has to do with recent conversations and me having to take a step back again. it's pretty dumb because you didn't even ask me to do that; in fact you never asked me for anything. you just told me how you felt. and when i said what i would do to 'help,' and even reiterated it, you didn't really respond directly.

also, you posted a Murdoch song on tumblr today that could be misinterpreted by a desperate guy. good thing i'm super stable, level-headed, and not completely in love with every part of you.

i missed you so much today that i went through most of your tumblr... again... and hearted a bunch of posts. basically you were on my mind for about 90% of my day.

the closer i get to disclosure, the more i suspect it's pointless.

legalities

i really don't know if i can wait 7 months to tell you everything.

return

as captivating as ever. part of me thinks i would be drawn to you just as strongly if i had just met you for the first time... but then i think about music and ministry and i realize the depth of your beauty can't be conveyed via a few beers and laughter, great venue though they are.

i'm at my most foolish now, perhaps, but that doesn't make you any less incredible. it doesn't make things any easier for me. i am the most foolish of fools, it seems.

tonight i miss you with less mental hindrance, and i find it awkward and unpleasant to be so unbounded.

therefore, bedtime. goodnight Hypothetica. i pray God opens the eyes of your future spouse to minimize not the magnitude of the blessing that lies before him.

broken record record record

i have nothing new to say. i crave you and hope that i can tell you that someday. but i don't expect anything good to come of it, except my own relief.

angeleec post

i received your note tonight. if you don't know what it's like to have a friendship so bright and warm that it can keep the darkest coldest night at bay, then you should ask me sometime.

i'm being metaphorical but not exaggerating. these life circumstances form a whirlpool that seems inescapable; i've never been so in danger of truly despairing. you pull me out of the ocean, even if only for a few minutes, and give me breath instead of brine.

just like music.

blech

i'm tired of re-reading these posts. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of dwelling on things in stasis. i'm tired of being uncertain. i'm tired of all of this.

i just want to get it over with, even if that means some dreary existence as nothing more than somebody that you used to know.

rationalypoos

things i know, and need the hypothetical you to know that i know:

• if the inevitable occurs (see what i did there?) and you turn me down, i will be okay. in fact i'll be greatly blessed [in totally different ways] because that's how God rolls in my life, and He will continue directing that life toward Good, as He always has done and has planned to do.
   
• my thoughts & feelings about you are somewhat morphed, or tinted, or both or something, because of the surrounding circumstances. (unfortunately i cannot say exactly how, especially from within. but it's still important for me to know it.)
  
• my care for you is distinct and [even now] mostly separate from my romantic inclinations. i spoke of this in an earlier post but i need to say it with clarity here: were someone to rob me of my capability for romance entirely, i would still love you. storge?
  
• my continuing contributions to this post are only partly a way of managing my inner tumult. they are also the sweetest daydream i've known, and my enjoyment of them makes me partially... hedonistic? not sure how harsh i should be on myself, especially in light of how most other people i know would handle something like this. but i must confess it.

PQ

can i ask you a personal question?

the answer is no, i can't, because there's no safe way to do so; not the question i was going to ask you anyway. typical for me in this chapter, i didn't think it through. when do i ever think things through before saying them to you? only immediately after i realize i just said something to you without thinking it through, and then i emotionally over-react and retreat. rinse, repeat.

you know what though, i'm not even sure i could've asked it if everything were totally safe, because as i try to analyze the question itself, it just falls apart. what does that even mean?! i was going to ask you something about how much i should worry when you post things about --

oh. now i remember. talking to you scrambled my brain but now we're not texting so i can think again.

thanks Hypo. 'preciate ya!  :P

p.s. i hate you because i wish you didn't have to exist.

love/hate

thanks for talking to me about all your serious crushes, and how other guys have made you feel desirable.

i can't decide whether tonight's conversation helped me more or hurt me more. you showed deep and thoughtful appreciation for me, allowed me to do something meaningful (and intimate-ish) for you, shared some of your dreams, indulged my questions about your perspective of me, trusted me, valued me.

and you talked to me about your romantic life and hopes and experiences.

okay so i don't hate you. but i'm hurt a lot so i'll use the "h" word if i want.

i say this over and over, but i have to vent it again: there must be thousands upon thousands of words i have not shared with you, that are lost to the ether (they're not even on this blog). many of them i think you would have cherished... ITWD.

eff my life. but it's superbly blessed of God. but eff anyway.

ITWD

i must have backspaced or cleared at least 18 messages to you in the past few days. life is very strange and i really want it to be different.

the heights are paved with daggers

i'm losing it. but then i'm solid again. but then i'm teetering. but then i'm fine for ahwile.

#finewhine #blah #woeisme #pityparty #actmyage

sealed

it's been my great and guilty pleasure to be of use to you, friend whom i love. i want to tell you that i can't wait to speak with you again, that i want you to text me all night long (all night), and that i feel so stupid for wanting these things... but i cannot, because blah blah blah and my situation et cetera and so on and so forth ad nauseam.

if i had anything new to say, i would say it, i swear.

i miss you and care about you, and i wish i didn't have to fetter myself so. i pray for one of these two things: a chance to tell you everything, or deliverance from this turmoil, this crazy little thing called eff. my. life.

God please help me

peace! be effing still!!!

the sea of isaialee is rough tonight.

i think it's all the recent contact-- phoning (like we did a couple times back when the friendship was still sort of pristine), being invited hiking, texting... it's just a lot. and Thursday is my first counseling session with her in years. very rough tonight.

two drafts sit in this blog waiting to be finished, but i don't have the energy. i need to write them. they are helpful for explaining myself to myself, which is extremely necessary in this chapter. perhaps it'll even become useful for explaining myself to you later on. i don't know for sure.

what i know at the moment is that 1) i'm fallen deeply for a certain turbulent moon-ridden girl, and even the mere memory of her arrests me, and 2) i'm still married to someone to whom i should never have become so vulnerable.

yea. the sea's rough, but more objectively, i'm neither more nor less effed than i was months ago. i guess not much time has really passed.

eff. where's this button for life? [FF>>]

announcing: the end of my sweet dream

last night i dreamt that you kissed my cheek. we were laying next to each other and you were telling me about someone you had prayed with and ministered to at school. i felt for a moment as though i were loved, truly and wholly, without reservation, and that sensation of being touched that way... if i had been awake, that feeling of peace and contentment would have surely sent me straight into pleasant dreams.

i woke up trying desperately to return to sleep, with Mraz asking me, "how can you sleep at a time like this, unless the dreamer is the real you?"

eff you, Mraz. eff you in the ay.

Eureka

i really enjoyed most of our conversation today. it felt great to have a normal talk about normal things, without chatting. it would have felt great even if not for my internal situation. i enjoy your company deeply, even from hundreds of miles away. weird how that works: sometimes i miss you more when you're at arm's length.

i wonder if you know i wanted to be there for you, to make the drive easier.

if i succeeded then i guess it doesn't matter.

i love you. always

DTR I

[August 30th, 2012, 10:21p] (Isaiah)

first, what do you want our friendship to look like right now? ideally. more detail is better. as in, i could probably take pages, single-spaced, and benefit from it all.

second, what do you want our friendship to look like in the future? ideally.

i ask these questions partly because i have been uncertain of the answer for years. like i said the other night, i feel like we had to deal with things that didn't exactly help us to be on good terms. i almost feel.. gypped. but i guess that's more selfish than not.
and i feel like, since our relationship has changed significantly, but we haven't talked about it much except to clear the air, i don't really know what you want out of it
i just sort of know *that* you do. which is weird when i don't know why. which i've said.
so your words, carefully contemplated and arranged (but with the same freedom of thought you used to answer that old PQ) would be a big fat boon.

[August 31st, 2012, 7:03a] (Isaiah)

i remembered part trois when i woke up this morning. so, for extra credit:

third, does my being married (in general; not to anyone specific) or unmarried have any bearing on your answers to parts un and deux?

[September 3rd, 2012, 10:28p] (Danica)

the idea of answering this question has been hovering over me this weekend, and it is difficult for me to answer because i am afraid. i am afraid that whatever my answer is, something will happen/be misunderstood/misconstrued and i will lose you. yes, it seems selfish and it probably is, but i really don't want to lose you because you mean a lot to me. (i'm going to try to use as many feeling words as i can to help both you and me get the best understanding of what i think)

before i answer the questions i want you to know that your presence in my life has had, is having and will have an impact on my life for as long as i'm alive. i know that because when i think of the last five years of my life, you are a part of it. you weren't in the parental, peer, pastoral, acquaintance or ministry pal category. you were just isaiah, my friend. we happened to have encounters that resembled some of those categories, but never characterized by one group like other people (even ones who matter a lot to me) are. you have felt like a peer-like friend, a mentor, a pastor-like figure, a fellow musician and music lover, older friend example person, etc. at one time or another. now, you continue to not be a part of any of those categories individually, but you have settled into a role that i'm not sure how to label. you are the continuation of the above roles you filled. the word legacy keeps coming to mind....i'll try to figure that out a bit more later...

in another sense, you (by the way i'm crying right now....so you have more of a context similar to if this was in person) represent SO many things that i would want in a husband. i want him to be a passionate lover of music, a thorough and grounded thinker, a hard worker who has the desire to craft with his own hands, a consistent rock, a persistent pursuer of knowledge of God and His universe and people, a man who inspires a girl to become a woman, unreserved in his care for his family and those who seek to know him. you have demonstrated these. never perfectly and probably some without you even knowing i was watching, but i saw it. i saw the man you are by your actions. not your words or past mistakes. please don't fight me on this. i am not trying to make you feel better (not that i wouldn't desperately want that for you), i am telling you the accumulation of what you've been for me and continue to be as you live your life. i am still watching and learning. and even when life sucks and you think you are sucking at doing anything right, you are a man of God that is honored and i am honored to experience your life with you in an interesting context. we're friends. and in my opinion, great friends. i feel both protected and cared for by you. you represent what someone i would be in a relationship would look like to me. i don't want you to be concerned that you are that person in my life. i am being honest here because i know how important it is. i hate having to say all this and risk the misunderstanding, but you are not that person in my life. i see you isaiah, as a brother who knows me deeply and longs for what i long for in my life.

i don't know what your marriage situation means for our friendship and i want to be as respectful and helpful as possible. that being said, my desire is to be the kind of friends that we've been for the past few months, but if that is going to cause problems then i am willing to make changes. to me our friendship would look like, having monday night dinners with you and brandon and jesse, playing music together at church, hanging out like we did at ryan's house when we drank bailey's and played a game, asked and answered PQs on facebook, went to the lake with jerad and ryan, had deep discussions.... there are a few changes i would actually be more comfortable with because i know that i so often make decisions based on feeling rather than on the knowledge of right and wrong/health and unhealth. i don't want anything to happen that would ruin our friendship. if anything outside of friendshipness, we most likely would never be friends again. my desire is to be friends for the rest of our lives. this would just mean not hanging out just the two of us (which i think we've been pretty good at), not talking privately about this kind of stuff whether in person or online (and jerad and heather have been a part of this so i feel comfortable) and not hanging out so much to where we hang out with each other exclusively (that's gonna be the hard one for me because you are one of the few people i actually want to hang out with).

in the future, our friendship, as i grow up more and hopefully enter into a healthy relationship and continue with my career, would ideally have you involved in a similar way until it was my husband's turn to help take care of me. i feel like, in that case, it would be time to allow that man in my life to take over. it kinda seems like a brother or a father of a girl when she decides to love another man. it becomes my husband's responsibility.

you being married gives a kind of safety to our friendship because i know that you aren't mine to put in the spot of main man in my life. it is scarier now because of the situation and that's why i think it is imperative that we do this. i agree with you in that these things need to be discussed in order to move forward.

my answers are probably unorganized and possibly don't even make sense. i am exhausted after spending an hour and a half writing this. if you could do me a favor and respond asking specifically for clarification and/or more answers, i would be really grateful. i tried my best in this message, but this is a heavy topic and i don't expect myself to be able to fit it all in in one sitting.

i hope i answered something.

[10:39p] (Isaiah)

i need you to understand that most of my reactions, both thought-wise and feeling-wise, i must keep to myself. not because i want to or because i don't trust you-- i do-- but for other reasons which i think you'd wholeheartedly agree with if we talked through them

as is the norm with me, every answered question spawns eight more questions. that's frustrating to most people; they feel interrogated. i hope you won't. i highly value your cooperation and openness and courage in answering as you have. unfortunately (and frustratingly; but i must deal with it) i must continue to withhold most of the questions i am collecting. but, after reading your words multiple times, i'm left with 3 questions that i can and will ask now

1st: you said, "there are a few changes i would actually be more comfortable with..." assuming i am NOT married in a month or two, what few changes are those?

2nd: you said, "my desire is to be friends for the rest of our lives. this would just mean... ...not hanging out so much to where we hang out with each other exclusively (that's gonna be the hard one for me because you are one of the few people i actually want to hang out with)."

i don't know what you mean by "hang out with each other exclusively." i actually don't even have a guess. what does that mean?

3rd: you said, "you being married gives a kind of safety..." what is the danger for you (not me) if/when i am not married? i do not understand this at all either.

don't feel obligated to answer within a timeframe; feel free to set yourself a timeframe based on your personal resources / needs


(Danica)

ok. i will continue to think about them, but my thoughts right off the bat are that i think the changes i stated would also be good if you are not married in the future. remember when we hung out for nine days straight? i loved that. i wasn't tired of you or anything, but it was too much. to hang out with a man (married or unmarried) that much doesn't make sense to me unless it was headed somewhere romantic. i don't think it is wise for me to personally put myself in a situation that even if i'm not pursuing a romantic relationship, could be drawn into especially because of what i said about you representing characteristics that i am drawn to in others romantically. by exclusively, i mean that most of our leisure hang out time in general is spent together.

the danger for me is that you would be "available" (i dont mean that's what you would say or anything, my brain would just transfer you from the unavailable to available side of the man spectrum) and despite what i may want or decide, i know that i would be susceptible to develop feelings based on what we have in common and our emotional connection.

(Isaiah)

that's the thing i am having difficulty understanding. why would you expect feelings to possibly develop for someone you did NOT want to be with romantically?

(Danica)

because my feelings develop despite what i want
that's why i have found myself drawn before to women romantically even though i don't want it. at all

(Isaiah)

i don't mean to insult or critique or call that inherently bad, but it really baffles me. if there is no underlying explanation for it that you are aware of, then perhaps i will never understand it

(Danica)

i think it's terrible! i absolutely hate it. the only explanation i have is that i have some serious issues in my thinking.
which i already know and am trying to work on them....i just don't know what direction to go and how

(Isaiah)

i am not convinced that it's wrong to be susceptible in that way. i lean more toward it being a vulnerability that's neither good nor bad, but still dangerous. like a cliff
you seem to know how to avoid falling off, and you seem to be making the decisions necessary to avoid falling off. in fact now that we're having this conversation, i can put past conversation in perspective. correct me if i am wrong: but you've been avoiding that cliff with me for years...?

(Danica)

i don't think it's wrong in the black and white sense. i mean, it is unhealthy and doesn't make any logical sense at all. it is a vulnerability and i also hate it and happen to want it to leave
oh yes. when valerie had that talk with me at starbucks, i immediately felt like oh crap i'm gonna eff this up aren't i

(Isaiah)

it might become a very useful thing when you find a person you DO want to be romantic with
wait what? what talk? about my past?

(Danica)

yeah. she just mentioned that you had a lot of fun with the worship team and she could tell that you and i had/have a strong friendship and she mentioned a very small bit about our past
im not exactly sure what she was trying to tell me, but i took it as kind of a warning for me not to try to pull you into to that or something....? im still not completely sure

(Isaiah)

and that prompted a fear in you because you see strong close friendships as potential sources of unwanted and harmful romantic feelings

(Danica)

before you guys were married. i think you were recently engaged.
i had absolutely no fear in you.

(Isaiah)

in you, i mean.

(Danica)

no. i remember feeling like that wasn't my sense of you at all. i felt like maybe she felt uncomfortable with our friendship, but i didn't. the fear in me was the same fear i have now, that i'm going to find a way to eff this up somehow

(Isaiah)

that's what i mean. it prompted a fear in you, of yourself; not of me

(Danica)

oh yes
sorry

(Isaiah)

np. this question is slightly more comprised of curiosity-- a shadegrown, if you will-- but i will ask anyway: what in the world do you think could you possibly do to eff up our friendship?

(Danica)

i knew at the time that i was susceptible to crushing on all kinds of people who represented want i wanted/lacked in my past/needed and in the last five years i have only been reminded of how strong that is. yes, i have made choices and taken steps to not act on every feeling, but my failures seem to carry much more weight in my head

(Isaiah)

lol i can relate with that
the last part
sooo it seems like your answer is, "i don't think i could. but i feel like i would be motivated to do something that would."

(Danica)

what in the world could i do to eff up our friendship? my brain automatically goes to extremes: what if during one of our deep talks i all of a sudden have a desire for closeness with you and i take it too far?

(Isaiah)

but you know i would disallow that

(Danica)

knowing myself, that does not seem like such a far off possibility if i didn't do things to protect myself
who knows man...
oh...i misread it again
sorry again.
yeah hopefully

(Isaiah)

hopefully.
i am always relieved to find the limits of someone's trust in me
because then i know what to expect, and can plan for it

(Danica)

i hope, but cant absolutely trust because you are just as fallen as i am
so there you go, that's where the trust would be in question.....but my trust in myself would be long gone by then

(Isaiah)

so is anyone, but some are more trustworthy than others. i suppose truly knowing what i'm capable of is partly responsible for your [possibly justified but i think not] distrust

(Danica)

distrust in...whom?

(Isaiah)

me
well it probably won't help you at all, but i'll tell you anyway, because i believe my words matter (objectively and to you): i would not allow you to do something to me/us that i knew you would regret
who i am now is especially certain of that
if i even sensed a possibility of it, i would begin disallowing it at that point

(Danica)

i only know what you are capable of because i know what i am capable of. (which stems from my own pathological belief that i infect the people i'm around with the bad that i'm capable of) it doesn't really have anything to do with your past

(Isaiah)

huh... that is also strange and baffling to me.

(Danica)

i believe you until my brain overrides it with my infecting complex

(Isaiah)

i don't know if i know what people mean when they say they have trust issues, but if you would consider that to be one, then i suddenly have a better understanding

(Danica)

for some reason i believe i have the power (in all the relationships that matter to me) to make others make different decisions. i know logically i dont, but because i sense that if i matter to them, they would somehow allow me to make decisions through them. it's a really effed up little thought pattern, but ive realized i've been living out of it for a long time
yup. and it has less to do with a person being trustworthy or untrustworthy and more to do with how much i gauge i matter to them

(Isaiah)

fascinating (unpleasantly... but still). wow. so... wow. in that case i hope you have NOT accurately gauged how much you matter to me
and perhaps i should not try to communicate it to you so much, or so fully
lol that's the first and possibly last time i'll ever hope such a thing for anyone.

(Danica)

well relationships i have with strict boundaries (like with my last therapist) (i was convinced that i would somehow get her to break her therapist code thingy to spend time with me outside of therapy), i slowly learn that they have a choice in the matter and that i dont have that power unless someone gives it to me (like danielle did)

(Isaiah)

i see. that helps me to understand how valuable your therapist was to you
is

(Danica)

i can trace some of it back to childhood and my dad and stuff and i can recognize it in friendships more often. i've just never verbalized (typed) it out like this before. i also can feel when i start to feel someone having the power of me
sometimes i resist and other times i'm drawn in to do exactly what i perceive them wanting
over*

(Isaiah)

i don't know how to type the sound i just made. i whistled tonelessly
what a combo of vulnerabilities
that is quite a... tight-rope.
with gusting winds.

(Danica)

now when i'm drawn in to someone (especially girls) i put up a huge wall for personal safety and immediately get down on myself and try to figure out why the eff i'm so powerfully pulled in by these specific people. i sometimes have to completely avoid because i am afraid of even beginning to entertain those thoughts
seriously. if i lean over to one side i verbally and emotionally attack myself (sabotage?) and on the other side i start to feel certain things about people and i shove myself back over to the violent side

(Isaiah)

=(  i don't want that for you
i hate that

(Danica)

me too. fortunately it's not with everybody. it was with a lot right after the danielle thing cuz i was hyperaware and sensitive, but it's less now

(Isaiah)

do you fully expect that if you & i adhere to your ideal friendship for us, that you won't have to worry about that with us?

(Danica)

i suppose it happens mostly with girls because i don't let myself get super vulnerable with many guys
fully? no. mostly? yes.

(Isaiah)

what would need to happen to get to the 'fully' descriptor?

(Danica)

i don't know if i would ever be able to fully expect or not expect something in this context
intense healing
especially because we've had this conversation i am closer to fully than before, but still prob only like 80%
you know what... i think i do trust you when you said you would disallow anything to happen in the scenario i created.

(Isaiah)

why the change in conclusion?

(Danica)

because i don't trust myself very much, i couldn't really trust anyone else theoretically. but after thinking about the way you run. you are more able to keep your commitments to yourself than i am. you say you will not do something and you dont. i rarely feel like i have the self-control/willpower to do that

(Isaiah)

that's generally true... but there is more to it in this case. my care for you is partly instinctive. honey badger don't care what threatens. the real danger is that i might over-react (in the process of protecting you) and hurt your feelings

(Danica)

if that's the danger, i'll take it

(Isaiah)

lol i'll do my best to protect sensitively. i am 100% confident in my ability to do so, partly from experience (not with this exact scenario but with related ones)

(Danica)

i am so grateful

(Isaiah)

LoL i really don't expect to ever have to do anything like that. the more i think about it the more i laugh out loud
i don't mean to downplay or minimize your vulnerabilities
but seriously... so, Valerie asked me the other night, "don't you think it's a possibility that Danica is and/or would be interested in you romantically?"
in that case i guess i failed to be sensitive, because i immediately laughed, and had to work hard to contain myself
others would say i downplay or even completely deny whatever attractiveness i may or may not have, but i don't see it that way
but that tangent is a bit too shade-grown for me tonight, i think
in the rare case that an indiana-jones-sized boulder is headed straight for you, Danica, and i just happen to be nearby, i promise to push you out of the way gently but firmly

(Danica)

so valerie has thought that all along?
great
she really doesn't/didn't trust me at all did she

(Isaiah)

valerie has been insecure all along, about most of my female friendships. that's partly her, but it's also me, because of my personality
and my mistakes
my personality is to invest heavily when i see a need i can meet. for whatever reason[s], i am able to meet some of the deep needs that females have. and i have done so honey-badger style since high-school, all the while quoting 1Cor13 and such, completely oblivious to the dangers
so she shouldn't be blamed fully

(Danica)

yeah i guess

(Isaiah)

and neither should you. in fact i don't see a reason to give you even a crumb from the blame pie
maybe if we'd had this conversation from day 1, and we'd known ourselves (respectively) then as well as we do now
but no. not your fault

(Danica)

i keep having to remind myself that i haven't done anything wrong. i immediately internalize the blame for all of this cuz i feel something on the outside blaming me, but i really didn't do anything

(Isaiah)

whatever you HAVE done, has been worthy of respect

(Danica)

it's making me feel like i have to defend myself for something i didn't do.

(Isaiah)

and has helped
except for that deoderant incident. but i still forgive you.

(Danica)

i don't forgive you for spelling it wrong
until you ask for forgiveness

(Isaiah)

i was staring at it thinking... "wait..."
but it was too late. alas.

[September 4, 2012, 12:00a] (Danica)

that's why i use a mac. automatic spell check

(Isaiah)

you mean for spelling it incorrectly, right?
(this is where you say "touche")

(Danica)

this is also where i say not automatic grammar check.

(Isaiah)

lol

(Danica)

but yes, touche
every time i see that word spelled out i read it "touch-y"

(Isaiah)

i read it as "tooshy" just for fun
or tushy, i guess

(Danica)

that's one of halle's words for her butt.

(Isaiah)

dang it. i had other questions or thoughts or something
lol

(Danica)

similar to queue i supposed

(Isaiah)

lol perhaps
oh i remember.

(Danica)

do you think i could answer/address your other questions/thoughts/somethings tomorrow? i have an early morning

(Isaiah)

=\   i forgot to ask about that. sorry

(Danica)

i chose to keep talking =)

(Isaiah)

i'm humbled
for that and other reasons
"thank you" is once again not really adequate

(Danica)

we need like a code phrase. like "dolphin elbow"
or something.........
O_o

(Isaiah)

maybe something more serious. like...     please words for "thank you"

(Danica)

"please words for thank you"?
or "please words"?

(Isaiah)

yea. please words = i very much want to speak but don't have a big enough mode of expression
so please words for 'thank you' = i very much want to thank you but don't have a big enough mode of expression

(Danica)

ok. i think i get it. but not the actual two words: "please words"
?

(Isaiah)

that's your invented phrase, actually

(Danica)

lol. kinda slow tonight

(Isaiah)

it's been a long one
longer for you than for me

(Danica)

yes i suppose so

(Isaiah)

at the picnic table with brandon you said "please words," which in that context meant "please give me words, because i want to express why you matter to me and why i still want your friendship but don't know how"
anyway

(Danica)

got it.
i remember now

(Isaiah)

then i relinqueesh you to Dreamica-land.

(Danica)

thank you ( for that, not those words for the rest of our convo tonight)
i'll talk to you soon friend

(Isaiah)

please do friend

(Danica)

night

(Isaiah)

i wish thee a good night

benembering

i can't decide whether scouring Facebook for old interactions is healthier or foolisher than the rest of this blog so far. either way i'm not stopping so i suppose i'll just have to get your opinion on it later. segue!

i must ask you a hundred questions regarding old notes you've written. this is merely a string around my e-finger.

righting assignment

"it's called an umlaut."

okay colleege student... :P

so i did it. i followed my own advice, plus Jerad's, plus the VUSC community's: i instituted a long-overdue DTR. its one-sided-ness is unfortunate but necessary. i mangled my words on their way out, even though i actually DID plan what to say to you this time, sort of. but the request is delivered nonetheless, and now i await my Destinica.

what do i want?

to be forever bound by the constraints put upon our friendship by you. that's like my favorite thing ever.

okay but seriously: i don't want to battle this anymore. i don't want to juggle a dozen feelings every time i get a text message that MIGHT be from you. i don't want to say stupid shtee without even thinking about it first. (at least let me be stupid on purpose!)

i sense the time drawing nearer where i will have to claim that retiring this blog is the best thing, but then continue posting in it anyway as a way of dealing with my being in love with someone who isn't in love with me. i guess sooner is better than later.

wah wah wah. i should sleep.

i miss you terribly. sleep well forever-friend-ica.

unbedary

part of me can't believe i just did that.

but most of me is relieved, the way you're relieved after Troy gets ahold of your neck, or the way you're relieved after you extinguish your own chonies when they've been on fire for 33 days.

i think i might be able to move on now. we'll see.

God help me please. amen

whirlpool-y-poo

once again i'm taking on water. that 3-minute one-on-one with you made my whole world freeze. nothing else existed. i was waiting all night-- okay okay, i'm constantly awaiting my next interaction with you. and then you walked up to me and talked to me. i guess that's what friends do, maybe.

and now i'm breathing in the ocean, and for some reason i'm not fighting it. i guess that means i've already drowned.

i'm effed

still can't get over how beautiful you are. altogether. throughout. you are incontrovertible evidence of beauty itself. your character, personality, struggles and victories, your voice and heart, your mind. your lived-out theology. your hair, eyes, shape, movement.

still in it pretty deep... yup. just another night of longing and "bring on the wonder."

i think you are to me what the ocean is to lemmings. and that line means it's time for sleep.

some things change naught

i have always cared for you, and always will. tonight's song had absolutely nothing to do with my "romantic" feelings. i wrote it months ago.

i hope it did not harm you. i hope you found, and maybe even find, it valuable.

i love you.

less traveled by

at first, saying goodbye to you was an exercise in discipline, intended to keep myself in check, and to prepare for the possibility that my stupid feelings might cause problems for us to the point where i'd have to let go of you.

but now i see our paths may be leading away from each other. my selfish... uhm, self, i guess... suddenly rises up and prepares for war at this thought.

who is it fooling.

how deep? this deep.

saying goodbye is somehow easier when i get to spend this much time with you. perhaps i'm in the Nile.

welp, wherever i am, the view is incredible. i will soak up all i can before life comes crashing back down again.

still missing you.

child of the heavenly Father

you have absolutely no idea how serene and beautiful you look. you are at least half asleep, but you're still smiling. it's just not fair. i can't decide whether i want to photograph you or wrap myself up in whatever you're feeling.

tonight has been a strange mix of difficult and sensationally wonderful.

i can only barely contain what i'm feeling.

selfishly i pray that this terrible and delicious tension will soon be resolved.

though i know it not to be so, tonight i find you perfect.

jerk

thanks for making me cry. actually i needed it. i didn't even get enough out. i miss you differently today, but no less than i ever have.

perspective

i had an extremely valuable 4-hr conversation with Jerad today at the buff. not all of it was actionable, but some was, and i realize now that one of the most important things for an introvert to seek out in others is outside perspective itself.

i do not always remember to take off my lenses and put on those of others. in most cases it happens when i forget that i am wearing certain lenses. Jerad helps me to notice them.

i am making progress in letting go of my fantasy future. i hope that doing so will benefit both you & me in the long run.

i still miss you terribly. i act on what i think is best, but i hope for what i think would be the most enjoyable (i.e. you). but i have to wrap my mind around reality, and make decisions partly based on what is most likely or the worst-case scenario, and i can no longer, in good conscience at least, indulge myself in fruitless dreams. they themselves may not be wrong, but they may mislead me if i do not rein them in.

i do not know what will happen between us. i hope for many good things. i must plan on not very many good things. i hate giving you up; i hate losing anything we have or had or could have. but i must prepare myself to do so anyway, without throwing a fit or wallowing in my negative emotions.

i value every moment spent with you, even the painful ones. i will look back on our friendship with great thankfulness for the joy and the learning and the hard work and everything else.

this is my first "goodbye friend." i think i may need many more, but i should probably begin now. so...

goodbye friend. it was nice fun cool interesting difficult incredible knowing you.

petrichor

you're sort of like this morning's rain.

i have no control over it whatsoever (rightfully so).
whether things rock or suck, it makes my world more beautiful.
i'm arrested by it; i stop everything i was doing just to focus on experiencing it.
it's uniquely musical.
it always leaves before i want it to...
...and even if it didn't, i can never stay in it as long as i want to.

isaiah the jealot

i hope you will view this one confessed flaw of mine as simply a piece of a large and complex whole, rather than as a defining trait. i'm drawing attention to it, though, so perhaps if you do judge me by it, i should blame me first.

i'm supes jealous of Ryan, who lives with you and gets to interact with you all the freakin' time, and Jerad who's only one step below that. i understand why, and i get that my situation as well as my desire both disqualify me... but wow. i really wish i could have even half of the time either of them gets with you.

when i have i not enjoyed your company (excluding conflict-times)? when have i ever felt like, "yeah, i want to hang out with someone, but not Danica" ? when have i ever thought to myself, "i wish Danica would pay me less attention and leave me alone" ???

i'm desperate not only for things i want, but things i need. i won't act on my desperation (at least not in a way that brings me closer to what my heart wants), but that doesn't change how i feel.

today i was thrilled to hear you say my name, to joke with you, to joke (mostly) about your boobs like we always do (wow... creeper. probly shouldn't mention that, even on this secret blog of adoration), to see how people enjoy your company and you theirs.

i want more. and i get upset when others get a lot. that's probly wrong.

help me somehow?

weather or not

depends on whether you text me or not.

this is one of the things that clues me in to how compromised i am: every time you text me first, i feel like the sun has come out and there's a cool breeze, even if the day is 109° and overcast.

that is SO SAPPY i can't believe it's coming from my own mind. or heart. whatever. the point is, i'm in way over my head here, to the point where i don't even realize it without looking at the clues. even then it's difficult to believe. i mean i'm already planning how to tell you my feelings, when i haven't even seen any divorce papers yet. something is very wrong with me.

i think i'm beginning to realize that, for this and other reasons, i can never show you this blog... even if things turn out the way my heart hopes they do.

that's depressing.

private service announcement

tonight, against all of my expectations, Valerie agreed to reconsider her position, on the condition that those conversations take place in the context of professional counseling. i told her i'd consider it, and that we'd talk about it tomorrow night.

as i type this, i'm also adding album art to my tumblr post... the one with greg laswell's song "sweet dream."

it is perfect, and painful.

• this new possibility of not-divorce has me reeling. i'm troubled, thinking of the risk of giving Valerie another chance. i think the word is "trepidation," but i don't know the adjectival form. 
• i'm also worried that i will have to put down (in the same way as one would an already-dying animal) my fantasy about you. it is no mere sweet dream; it is a real and deep desire, something i have not only felt but considered and reconsidered and found to be complex and real and wholly desirable. (and terrible.) i feel it will not die easily, even if it becomes truly and urgently necessary that i kill it.
• i don't think counseling will change who Valerie is. i think it may change, temporarily, the things she believes. but that doesn't solve our problem, and it doesn't make it wise to re-dedicate to each other.
• i want you. i don't want anyone else. i want to reconcile with Valerie, but i don't want to be married to her anymore. i want her to go away and live her life apart from mine. i want a chance to do things right from step 1. i don't want to give myself again to someone who constantly challenges my commitments.
• i'm too tired to do any more productive introspecting tonight. 

i miss you, as always. your surprise text tonight was fantastic (literally). thank you.

meanwhile, in real life...

this blog by itself paints a very one-sided picture of my life.

i just spent what was supposed to be a productive afternoon of re-arranging my finances (because Val left me) instead holding Valerie and trying to provide comfort to her in the midst of a life that's beating her up pretty good (mostly because of her own foolish choices).

one thing at least remains uncompromised: my commitment to love her selflessly. not that it's perfect but seriously, it's definitely love. not that i am Mr. Selfless but seriously, the way i react to her when she takes advantage of me, is to try harder to help us get along and work things out. when she feels hurt by me she simply takes it out on me and makes things more dangerous and painful and harmful for me.

done ranting. for now.

"i must leave after all"

i'm considering going to a different church.

seriously, how am i supposed to be around you? i've spent my whole life carefully constructing behavioral patterns and schema that help me navigate my social environment. i even committed to loving people-- not just because it's right, but because that conquers the uncertainty. it says, "you don't have to be charismatic or likeable. just love people."

you ruin everything i've constructed to keep me comfortable and safe. you are le dangereux, and i have absolutely no clue how i can continue in friendship with you, especially after these things are revealed to you.

angels, may you be entertained

Father

i am grateful for the altogether good and lovely things i have encountered because of Your grace and involvement in my life. i see that the boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places, and this confuses me because i do not see how i can be trusted with these blessings.

and perhaps i should not always be trusted with all of them.

i shake my head and bow in wonder when i consider my friendships, and how much i have been given. i am particularly in awe of Your daughter Danica and the ways she has made my life unquantifiably better.

i think i must give this up in my heart and mind if i am to keep from clutching it too tightly. i feel that i'm suffocating it, or being suffocated by it, or both. maybe it's better that i plan to leave it behind. maybe it's better that i acknowledge my suspicion that she is outgrowing our friendship. maybe it's a good idea to let it pass.

i will work on doing that, internally. i will prepare for it and thereby perhaps prevent some of the useless and foolish floundering that i've been doing so far.

please help me do wise things. please continue to help Danica grow in strength and wellness. please help me find Your will and match mine to it. please help Danica to feel confident in herself without losing any of her humility. please help me manage my feelings. please give Danica many opportunities to find the boundary lines falling for her in pleasant places.

please help me to be selfless like You, so that i can responsibly, willingly yield to You the wondrous and rare blessings to which i have so desperately clung.

amen

#tag ... you're it

your writings leave me lonelier and more in pain than before, even though i always look forward to them. i want so badly to do something for you. and that's how it's been for a long time, far before my feelings decided to leave orbit. i could cry for you if i hadn't used 'em all up earlier tonight, on myself. it wasn't selfish; i needed to cry. this is becoming worse than tangential.

all i'm saying is, i wish things were different, even just a little bit. i wish i could speak to you freely, even if only to say "i'm here for you and won't give up on you. i hurt with you and long to understand and to help if i can. i care deeply about you and your life and your inner and outer well-being."

i'm so messed up... and my life is too. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't care about you. Hypothetica, i am praying for your real-world counterpart, asking God to grant all of her requests (as long as they are wise ones). Holy Spirit, please move Danica to ask for the right things, and then give them to her in spades.

amen