the night before you left Fresno for your Fall '12 semester, we talked outside the Abbott's neighborhood. i vomited all over the place emotionally; i don't remember most of what i said. but i do remember explaining to you that my desire for friendship with you (not just the metaphysical bond, but the content, the activity) has increased since we first met. y = 1/2x, or something, if you don't mind a little algebra.
that has continued to be true, and i really have no idea how to make it level off. the truth is that that plane that should have landed in Platonia actually left Earth's atmosphere some time ago.
and i am sorry. i have done what i know to do, everything short of moving to a different city and cutting off all communication. i've written over a hundred posts about it, talked with the Mendels for hours and hours (mostly Jerad), didn't speak with you for two weeks... at the beginning (last fall), i even tried removing myself from worship team activities. that actually backfired and made things worse.
i've tried rationalizing it by explaining to myself that i've been emotionally compromised. i've tried redefining my relational categories. i've tried reinvesting even more in the lives of other people, including guys. i've tried shaming myself. i've tried denial (hoping it would 'take' or something and allow me to change my thought patterns on a more subconscious level).
i really can't, though. everything i try either fails or makes it worse. the truth is that, as far as i can tell, i won't ever be satisfied with the amount of closeness we have. maybe something will change in the future, but if so, i have no way of predicting or controlling it. spending time with you makes me want more. not spending time with you makes me want more.
~ ~ ~
i was talking to a guy friend a few months ago about relationships. he was frustrated that his attempts to reach out to people for platonic closeness were not being reciprocated. he wondered if he could come up with some strategy to inspire people to respond to him with more enthusiasm.
i basically told him this: "anonymous friend, there is something very awkward about two people who want two different things out of a relationship. if one person's up here and the other person's down here, they might even want the same thing, but in differing amounts... and that's not going to work out well for them, if they want a good friendship. at best, the one who wants more will have to constantly struggle to contain that, while the other strives to be patient and not uncomfortable. which is very difficult."
our situation (as i see it) is actually much worse than that. if left to my own motivations, with no hindrances, i would simply spend as much time with you as my personal health allowed... and because of the nature of my feelings, the content of the time spent together would not remain strictly platonic.
on top of that, your desire for friendship with me has occasionally been challenged in the past (if i have understood you correctly) by a somewhat compromising motivation toward something other than platonic friendship. i can say that better: you can't always be certain that what you want for us isn't romantic. and, the romantic desire is neither easily controlled nor entirely healthfully motivated.
on top of that i'm still married until may 18th, but that seems almost a peripheral matter, as you & i currently have no plans to cease being friends any time soon.
that's what i want to talk about.
~ ~ ~
i don't know how to stop being completely in love with everything you are, head to toe, from your flaws to your virtues. our mutual intense care, and our strong friendship, have provided a foundation for this... new something, on my side. it won't let go, and it's causing me problems.
"what problems?"
all, effing, sorts. first of all, i've apparently begun speaking without thinking. i'm sure you can recall a few awkward moments; i'd rather not recall them, let alone describe them here. i've also gone through phases where you were so stuck in my mind, that i forgot important things. three times i left my backpack (with wallet) in the office when driving out of town for an inspection. three or four times i locked my keys in my car because i had just been texting you or thinking about you. when we do get to hang out, i almost and/or actually cry just because i'm so happy to be near you.
i could go on. mostly i've moved on from the worst of it, but that's partly because you're at school.
anyway. i don't really see many options. i can't stand the idea of you having to endure my strong feelings / desires; i can't stand the thought of you having to manage that in our friendship. i don't see any reason why you would want to or need to. i feel like i have to keep my distance from you or else the way you draw me will override whatever decisions i try to make and pull me past the boundaries of your comfort zone. not that i would ever harm or disrespect you, but it's possible to make you uncomfortable with just a few hasty words; it doesn't take recklessness. it just takes me being honest and open, for crying out loud. and since when was it a good idea for me not to be honest & open?!
well, since now, i guess. i am still not sure whether i want you to read what i've written to you over the past 6 months or so. the best i can say for it is that it will certainly be overhwelming to you in some way. okay i lied: i really want you to read everything i wrote. that's kind of the point i'm trying to make: i am obviously not 100% in control of what i reveal to you about my heart. and that is a problem.
the thing that would make a huge difference in all of this is some kind of clear, strong directive from you. an injunction, even. "isaiah, if you really can't put this to death, then lock it up in the dungeon and let me be oblivious to it."
i could do that. we would have to really cut back, of course; i don't think our parables music project would be an option for me, anymore. music itself is so intimate, for me, and music with you is intoxicating. i'd end up with my heart on my sleeve. or forehead. or throwing it at your face.
worship team would be a possibility, but i'd have to avoid duets and standing next to you.
being close to your family is another thing i'd have to give up. i mean we're not close friends but i hang with Paige sometimes, and i try to make Halle smile, and i bring your parents pie. that would all have to go.
basically we'd be acquaintances. at this point, i don't see any other options.
we should talk. you said you wanted a little control, if you had to give me up. some say in the process. let's talk about that. when you're free.
oh one more quick thing: i need you to understand that anything i've done out of care for you, has really been out of care for you, not out of romance. i am confident in who i am and why i do things. i loved you long before i fell in love with you, and haven't stopped yet.
yeah... i love you. ......and also i'm in love with you, and i'm genuinely, truly sorry about that. eff me. i don't know that i could have prevented it, but i certainly would have tried, if i'd seen it coming. anyway... yeah. let's talk. i'm sorry. thanks for reading, as always. if this ends the way i have been expecting it to, then... thank so you much for everything you have done and been, for everything you've shared with me. it leaves me speechless. thank you. i don't think i will ever meet or even hear tell of anyone as beautiful and enjoyable and wonderful as you have been to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment