many things haunt me. mistakes i have made, sins i have committed. acts and sins committed against me. i am aware of many scars, and will ever be, though the pain from most of them has faded away.
your impression upon me is one of the few ghosts that will hurt in a good way. the beauty of your harmony will remain sharp enough to cut me for a very long time... a song i wrote but never sang.
if i ever again experience a beauty comparable to yours, i will sell all i have to buy the field in which i find it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
spotify
as i shuffle through my playlist[s], i come to the stunning realization that it feels like i'm breaking up with someone.
this is just one of the many areas of my life that you've shaped and formed... just one of the many ways you have shaped me. sharing music might be a casual thing for some, but when someone gives me an artist or even a single track that moves me, that person is leaving a permanent fingerprint on my mind and heart. it's like smell is for most people: an instant connection that can take me years into the past, to the same feeling i felt then (the same both in quality and in quantity).
so alexi murdoch, the jennys, even nickel creek (which i knew of before you, but formed a new connection with through you)-- they all draw me back to you, as i'm trying to walk away from you.
so now i am angry, because i can't even listen to my favorite music without feeling like a part of me is being ripped away.
this is just one of the many areas of my life that you've shaped and formed... just one of the many ways you have shaped me. sharing music might be a casual thing for some, but when someone gives me an artist or even a single track that moves me, that person is leaving a permanent fingerprint on my mind and heart. it's like smell is for most people: an instant connection that can take me years into the past, to the same feeling i felt then (the same both in quality and in quantity).
so alexi murdoch, the jennys, even nickel creek (which i knew of before you, but formed a new connection with through you)-- they all draw me back to you, as i'm trying to walk away from you.
so now i am angry, because i can't even listen to my favorite music without feeling like a part of me is being ripped away.
Friday, November 23, 2012
FML
most likely this post will contain nothing productive or constructive. i just need to vent. i really hope it isn't just the lack of inhibitions due to alcohol...
i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.
my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.
well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.
but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.
"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.
"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."
translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.
i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.
i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.
that does not change what i experience on my side.
i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!
fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.
goodnight friend. i love you.
i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.
my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.
well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.
but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.
"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.
"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."
translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.
i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.
i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.
that does not change what i experience on my side.
i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!
fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.
goodnight friend. i love you.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
day two
the distance is killer.
i endure it by writing poetry and planning future conversations. every once in awhile i become aware that i prolly need to be processing my marriage... and so i do that for about three or four minutes. then i run from the pain by going back to my sweet daydreams.
i am too exhausted and stressed to finish this post...
i miss you. i may be foolishly, unhealthfully in love, but that doesn't negate the friendship we had, or have, or whatever. pseudo almost romance.
i'm sorry i ruined things
i endure it by writing poetry and planning future conversations. every once in awhile i become aware that i prolly need to be processing my marriage... and so i do that for about three or four minutes. then i run from the pain by going back to my sweet daydreams.
i am too exhausted and stressed to finish this post...
i miss you. i may be foolishly, unhealthfully in love, but that doesn't negate the friendship we had, or have, or whatever. pseudo almost romance.
i'm sorry i ruined things
hatred
today sucked you-know-whats. i have about 8 distinct negative emotions all regarding you & i and it's nauseating and i hate it. it's making me question my decisions.
we need to talk.
we need to talk.
Monday, November 19, 2012
john mayer - wheel
people have the right to fly
and will when it gets compromised
their hearts say "move along"
their minds say "guide your heart"
let's move it along
let's move it along
and airports
see it all the time
where someone's last goodbye
blends in with someone's sigh
cause someone's coming home
in hand a single rose
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and i won't be the last
no i won't be the last,
to love her
and you can't build a house of leaves
and live like it's an evergreen
it's just a season thing
it's just this thing that seasons do
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and you won't be the first
no you won't be the first
to love me
you can find me, if you ever want again
i'll be around the bend, i'll be around the bend
i'll be around, i'll be around
and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again
you just might wave hello again
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
you can't love too much, one part of it
you can't love too much, one part of it
i believe that my life's gonna see
the love i give return to me
Sunday, November 18, 2012
worship
your relationship with God is important to me tonight because your worship, and your public display of it, helped me see that you will be fine without me. i always said that but my heart always convinced me to ignore it, or perhaps even to believe otherwise.
that's why i asked you months ago whether you were receiving what you needed from people. and you gave some high percentage. well, i think that number will remain largely unchanged; or if not, then it will recover quickly. you have other friends who will take care of you. you have roommates who pray for you, right there in your apartment, out loud. you have Jerad and Heather and your brother Ryan and your difficult friend Alyssa. you have your mom, sisters, and a dad who genuinely cares about you, which is a big deal. you have Pastor Cameron.
also you have crushes. and lots of superb opportunities (not all of which you have yet met) to be romantically fulfilled someday. i am starting to feel like i might actually be truly happy when that occurs. i will possibly also be crushed and pouty for a year or two; but i can be those and happy simultaneously.
fuck.
shit.
i care about you a lot. i think i will keep praying for you, unless i am convicted not to.
that's why i asked you months ago whether you were receiving what you needed from people. and you gave some high percentage. well, i think that number will remain largely unchanged; or if not, then it will recover quickly. you have other friends who will take care of you. you have roommates who pray for you, right there in your apartment, out loud. you have Jerad and Heather and your brother Ryan and your difficult friend Alyssa. you have your mom, sisters, and a dad who genuinely cares about you, which is a big deal. you have Pastor Cameron.
also you have crushes. and lots of superb opportunities (not all of which you have yet met) to be romantically fulfilled someday. i am starting to feel like i might actually be truly happy when that occurs. i will possibly also be crushed and pouty for a year or two; but i can be those and happy simultaneously.
fuck.
shit.
i care about you a lot. i think i will keep praying for you, unless i am convicted not to.
denouement
i love you. also i'm in love with you. also i'm extremely holistically unmistakably in love with you.
this is a huge problem that needs to be solved. the fact that love needs to be solved seems like the worst thing ever. i will do my best.
this is a huge problem that needs to be solved. the fact that love needs to be solved seems like the worst thing ever. i will do my best.
seal. seal everything.
i'm crying. good. i had better fucking cry, because i was not exaggerating. i am not over-reacting. it's stupid to give up on something so good, so fucking good. it's stupid to invest less in a relationship (see how i'm following my advice to you?) that brings you to life. it's stupid to abandon someone who loves you, and is good at it.
it's stupid to find someone with whom you share a dozen things in common, some of them the most important things in your life... and then ditch that. it's stupid to say to a beautiful girl who [at least once, and maybe more than once] daydreamed about building a life with you, "goodbye."
as far as non-sinful things go, it's about the stupidest thing i will have ever done. just like how, in the realm of non-spiritual & non-inherited treasures, i've never valued anything or anyone more.
fuck everything. i hate being a grown up. can we please just say everything we haven't said yet and then emotionally unfold and then get close enough to taste each other's thoughts and hear each other's silent prayers? can we please just get that over with so that i don't feel like i'm quoting tumblr on what's supposed to be a productive private blog?
i should never have talked to you about being less friendy with you. i should have simply done it and never invited any discussion about it. i should have faded out slowly, the way i did with other people in high-school. i should have not thought so highly of myself that i would consider myself needed by you.
i've been far more foolish than i thought, which is saying quite a bit.
God, please help me act in cruel and terrible and reasonable wisdom.
amen
it's stupid to find someone with whom you share a dozen things in common, some of them the most important things in your life... and then ditch that. it's stupid to say to a beautiful girl who [at least once, and maybe more than once] daydreamed about building a life with you, "goodbye."
as far as non-sinful things go, it's about the stupidest thing i will have ever done. just like how, in the realm of non-spiritual & non-inherited treasures, i've never valued anything or anyone more.
fuck everything. i hate being a grown up. can we please just say everything we haven't said yet and then emotionally unfold and then get close enough to taste each other's thoughts and hear each other's silent prayers? can we please just get that over with so that i don't feel like i'm quoting tumblr on what's supposed to be a productive private blog?
i should never have talked to you about being less friendy with you. i should have simply done it and never invited any discussion about it. i should have faded out slowly, the way i did with other people in high-school. i should have not thought so highly of myself that i would consider myself needed by you.
i've been far more foolish than i thought, which is saying quite a bit.
God, please help me act in cruel and terrible and reasonable wisdom.
amen
it's really all just fucked up
maybe i don't need all these words. maybe that title is enough.
i want to demolish the dam holding back your tears and hold you until you've cried them all. it is okay if you get some snot on my shirt; i will dress grungy (not techy) in preparation.
i want to hear you tell me about how your family's decisions make you feel. it is okay if only half your words are intelligible; the point isn't to accurately exchange information. it's to connect emotionally, so that you can be emptied & filled as needed.
i want to be close to you in every way.
but what's really going to happen, if i do what i should, is this: we're going to not be friends anymore.
i want to demolish the dam holding back your tears and hold you until you've cried them all. it is okay if you get some snot on my shirt; i will dress grungy (not techy) in preparation.
i want to hear you tell me about how your family's decisions make you feel. it is okay if only half your words are intelligible; the point isn't to accurately exchange information. it's to connect emotionally, so that you can be emptied & filled as needed.
i want to be close to you in every way.
but what's really going to happen, if i do what i should, is this: we're going to not be friends anymore.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
taking in the ocean
heavy waves roll overhead
every current has its way
but i can't recall the fall
and i don't remember sinking
breathing was easy with you nearby
until you became the sea, and called to me
i'll gladly give up land and sky
for a glimpse of you in motion
a few words from you to me
is like taking in the ocean
the waves roll on within me
every current bids me speak
but i can't unveil the truth yet
and i forget what i am thinking, when i
hear you crash against my shores, i can't decide:
will i live always in longing, or abandon breath itself and dive?
i gladly gave up air and pride
to be swallowed by emotion
now, a few words from you to me
and i'm taking in the ocean
my lungs will have their fill of you
in a fit of raw devotion
and a few more words from you to me
will drown me blissfully
a few more words from you to me
and i'll be taking in the ocean
every current has its way
but i can't recall the fall
and i don't remember sinking
breathing was easy with you nearby
until you became the sea, and called to me
i'll gladly give up land and sky
for a glimpse of you in motion
a few words from you to me
is like taking in the ocean
the waves roll on within me
every current bids me speak
but i can't unveil the truth yet
and i forget what i am thinking, when i
hear you crash against my shores, i can't decide:
will i live always in longing, or abandon breath itself and dive?
i gladly gave up air and pride
to be swallowed by emotion
now, a few words from you to me
and i'm taking in the ocean
my lungs will have their fill of you
in a fit of raw devotion
and a few more words from you to me
will drown me blissfully
a few more words from you to me
and i'll be taking in the ocean
"i want it so badly"
how about you pay for my new heartstrings after you break the first set? :P
you may never know the treasure you are to me, lady Danica. i consider your beauty and character unsurpassed, yet i'm bound to speak little of it, though it would do you good, i think. part of me can't wait to spill everything; the rest of me scoffs and pities that part.
i will take a small bit of pride in that, even intoxicated, i rein myself in pretty well... but i take no pleasure in that.
Father, please guide Danica into a romance that far exceeds her expectations, and teach her how to be humble yet still fully accept the love offered to her.
amen
you may never know the treasure you are to me, lady Danica. i consider your beauty and character unsurpassed, yet i'm bound to speak little of it, though it would do you good, i think. part of me can't wait to spill everything; the rest of me scoffs and pities that part.
i will take a small bit of pride in that, even intoxicated, i rein myself in pretty well... but i take no pleasure in that.
Father, please guide Danica into a romance that far exceeds her expectations, and teach her how to be humble yet still fully accept the love offered to her.
amen
Sunday, November 11, 2012
#tbs
today was the worst in quite awhile. i don't know why... i'm guessing it has to do with recent conversations and me having to take a step back again. it's pretty dumb because you didn't even ask me to do that; in fact you never asked me for anything. you just told me how you felt. and when i said what i would do to 'help,' and even reiterated it, you didn't really respond directly.
also, you posted a Murdoch song on tumblr today that could be misinterpreted by a desperate guy. good thing i'm super stable, level-headed, and not completely in love with every part of you.
i missed you so much today that i went through most of your tumblr... again... and hearted a bunch of posts. basically you were on my mind for about 90% of my day.
the closer i get to disclosure, the more i suspect it's pointless.
also, you posted a Murdoch song on tumblr today that could be misinterpreted by a desperate guy. good thing i'm super stable, level-headed, and not completely in love with every part of you.
i missed you so much today that i went through most of your tumblr... again... and hearted a bunch of posts. basically you were on my mind for about 90% of my day.
the closer i get to disclosure, the more i suspect it's pointless.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
return
as captivating as ever. part of me thinks i would be drawn to you just as strongly if i had just met you for the first time... but then i think about music and ministry and i realize the depth of your beauty can't be conveyed via a few beers and laughter, great venue though they are.
i'm at my most foolish now, perhaps, but that doesn't make you any less incredible. it doesn't make things any easier for me. i am the most foolish of fools, it seems.
tonight i miss you with less mental hindrance, and i find it awkward and unpleasant to be so unbounded.
therefore, bedtime. goodnight Hypothetica. i pray God opens the eyes of your future spouse to minimize not the magnitude of the blessing that lies before him.
i'm at my most foolish now, perhaps, but that doesn't make you any less incredible. it doesn't make things any easier for me. i am the most foolish of fools, it seems.
tonight i miss you with less mental hindrance, and i find it awkward and unpleasant to be so unbounded.
therefore, bedtime. goodnight Hypothetica. i pray God opens the eyes of your future spouse to minimize not the magnitude of the blessing that lies before him.