epilogue

i've never re-written one piece so many times. i think it's because i never clearly defined my goals for it. i'm learning in this chapter of life that making strong decisions based on both thoughts & feelings is one of life's most important skills, and that the process of defining a goal precisely, and thoroughly, can make the difference between failing and succeeding.

it was so difficult to write also because i had so many strong feelings and difficult memories to process, and not enough help in doing so. i hope the words i've chosen so carefully (over a period of months) will be meaningful to someone other than myself; if not, i'm very willing to answer questions.

i'm angry with you, and have been since... the beginning of this year, maybe longer. i'm angry because you didn't really "pause" our friendship. i don't know if a friendship can be paused. it's being either nourished or neglected, and the latter has consequences.

i know i "paused" our friendship for a couple weeks in early 2013, but you remember how that turned out. i ended up driving to La Mirada on a work night because Melody "ratted you out," so to speak.  :)  and maybe a friendship can be "paused" for a brief time, especially with planning and communication that happen in preparation.

this situation wasn't like that.

i was really happy. content, even. sure it wasn't always the most comfortable-- i won't say i was entirely at ease, picking out paint colours with you at Lowe's-- but i was happy. that's not to say i couldn't have enjoyed even more time, more closeness with you, but i didn't feel the driving need for more, like i had the previous year. i think getting all of that off my chest, letting it air, was really helpful... and, i hope you know how much i value your hard work in adapting to that issue.

i'm proud of the work we did.



most of that work started unraveling, late September last year, when you left my place in the middle of a project. i say it started to unravel because, if we had spoken again within, say... a week, to make a plan, to talk at least a little bit about what we wanted. to come up with some kind of goal... maybe in the wake of such strong emotions we couldn't have been very precise, and certainly not thorough, but we could've begun the work, at least. if we had done that, things wouldn't have had time to unravel completely.

instead, i waited for you.

this is a really crucial part of the story, from my own perspective; and to others, it might seem like an attitude-of-entitlement problem on my side. i don't want it to come across that way. i just want you to understand what it's like, to be abandoned by one's best friend, and then wait... while still seeing that person on a regular basis. tertiary shti completely aside, it's still one of the harder things i've had to do in life.

i was ready, friend. i didn't need to wait. honey badger don't care what's in the way of something supremely valuable. i mean, i don't believe exceptional initiative & determination can solve any problem... i would never claim that. but they're certainly helpful when paired with thoughtfulness and good communication. and when have we ever lacked that? (except recently.)

i'm coming to accept that there are many things about this friendship that i could never understand, even if we talked openly about them for hours. okay, well... honestly, that's okay. mysteries are, eventually, acceptable. the things that trip me up, the things i seem unable to accept, are contradictions. and since i'm aware of the strong negative connotations of that word, i wanna take my time explaining why i'm using it.

Brittany, my cousin, wants to sing like Christina Aguilera. she states this and other similar wishes fairly often. she's been in choirs, sung on our worship team, and sings along with the radio or Spotify all the time. and every time she expresses this wish with me nearby, i respond, out loud: "you can sing like that! just takes the right kind of practice."

i know Brittany really does want to sing well. i know how much she would enjoy it, because i see how much i've enjoyed my own progress over the years. i know she is capable of hard work, capable of thinking constructively about how to improve herself, capable of a great many things. but the reality is that, vocally, she's improved very little. does she sing well? yes; much better than many. does she sing better than she did five years ago? ... not sure about that one.

and maybe "contradiction" is too strong a word for this kind of thing (which, as you know, is present in probably everyone's lives): we want things but don't take any steps toward them. this has been true of me in every chapter of life, in big and small things. but i haven't found a replacement word yet, and really, if i want to challenge myself, i should keep the word with all its strength and potential to convict.

i think the way to deal with these "contradictions" is to set aside a time to either begin pursuing them (the things i want), or else discard completely my expectations for them. easy example: my room is messy, and i dislike that. i should either stop being bothered by it (which i am capable of doing), or else begin putting things away. i don't have to finish it right then; i just need to believe that my desire for change is real. if i want to retain my right to be disappointed in myself,  :)  then i need to be actually trying to succeed.



so there i was last winter, waiting for you to be actually trying something. anything. a few messages here and there. you asked me a couple times how i was doing. and almost every week, i endured your company, and tried to figure out a way to both be more comfortable, and also make you more comfortable while i waited. and the friendship, not paused but rather neglected, um.. atrophied.

i think you were right about the five love languages. i thought about your question for several more hours, and realized your guess was dead-on. i'm not sure how you arrived at that conclusion about me, but.. uhm, good job! quality time is the clear victor. everything else i could do without, and still be close with someone. as i get older time becomes more consciously valuable to me, and i have less and less of it to give to each person or pursuit in my life... and therefore i value it more when i receive it from others.

at a more fundamental level, though: i need it. i need quality time in order for a friendship to be noureeshed. furthermore, i seem to be in more desperate and immediate need of it, lately.



i feel obligated (and glad!) to acknowledge the lasting value of long-established friendships which, when free of conflict, can often be picked up again after years of neglect. if King Andrew moved back to Fresno, we'd hang out again like we did every day (and many nights) during my first year at Vanguard. same with Stephanie (my Stephanie), same with Caleb, although we had to work through his transition into family life.

this ^ is different for me because of all the shit we've been through. not the external shit that we've helped each other through, but the internal. and because i see in you a "contradiction."

you want to be friends, but you're not willing to do the things that friends do. do we have different definitions of friendship? sure. different definitions of true friendship? probably, somewhat different at least. but for me-- and, i should point out that this is increasingly true of me-- i define friendship very, very narrowly. it's more than being careful with words, which i almost always am. it's about being careful with my heart and mind... it's about being careful with my life. if i keep someone at a distance nowadays, it's most likely for my own health, and in many cases theirs as well. if i invite them close, it's either because i'm addressing a specific need using one or more of my specific giftings... or, it's because i'm trying to build friendship.

so: if you're avoiding 1-1 time with me for the sake of your health, then... i have to support that, even if i believe that it could be good for you. i know how good it is for me not only because i've considered it from so many different perspectives and emotional states of being, but also because i've experienced it, over a period of years. the Israelites knew that the Lord their God was one; they gave mental assent to the idea, and they felt it at their core.

and maybe it's possible for someone to be both good & bad for your health. that's true of people for me. my parents are a great example of that. you can probably relate.

so, if that's what i am-- someone both good and bad for you, as a close friend-- then i will have to accept that. i'm working on it. it's difficult for me because i don't see the bad side of it. i neither give mental assent to it, nor experience it. there were times like 4th of July last year, when things felt so perfect. if Jesus had come back and asked me, "hey uhh... is now a good time? i'm gettin' kinda antsy up there." i would've asked Him for but a half hour more, so i could finish that stolen cigar. and then i would've happily gone, despite all my projects half-done, despite all the unsaved souls... hm. i'm not a good person.

my point is, i was good to go. i could've gone on that way, with our friendship exactly the way it was, indefinitely. my opinion of you is unchanged. i still hold you in the highest esteem, still consider you unsurpassed in multiple kinds of beauty, still grateful beyond what i can express for everything you've given me, and for everything you've accepted from me.

but this waiting i've been doing needs to stop. it is poisoning me. i've felt anger and pain turning into bitterness. worship team in particular has been.. torturous. singing with you was, partly, an expression of our friendship, and even now i still feel pseudo-close to you when we harmonize. i feel fulfilled. ...but, it's a lopsided fulfillment. the 'pseudo-' prefix comes from the fact that you are intentionally keeping me at a distance, so i don't feel free to enjoy your company anymore. i guess that's because i'm really not free to enjoy it anymore.

but i'm so drawn to you, every time i hang out with you, and since it isn't allowed, and since i don't understand why it isn't allowed, my agitation builds up and combines with everything that's happened and creates bitterness. and there's nothing i can do about that. i need to stop wrestling with something i can't beat. i am very happy to wrestle anything, for the sake of such a valuable friendship, but honestly, the ball's not in my lane. it's in yours. and i am moving on. fighting for something without a plan for winning that fight may be... noble? ...in a twisted sense, but that doesn't make it a good idea. even fighting for something simply by being patient, isn't a good idea in some cases.



if at some point in the future you'd like to hang out, you know, like... without a chaperone... i'd like to talk about that possibility. i'm not waiting for you anymore, but i'm not saying goodbye forever either. i just can't do these... pictures of cigars, and beer, and reviews of wine, anymore. i need to actually smoke a cigar with someone in order to engage in friendship. i need to actually eat and drink with them in order to be merry. the stuff of true friendship makes the casual stuff meaningful for me, not the other way around. i understand some people use those things to ease into friendship, but for me all of that falls into the "fake it 'til you make it" category. i possessed an inherent aversion to fakeness already; it's only grown, over time, and i find myself making new boundaries now, of necessity.

another thing that bothers me (in addition to casual interactions unsupported by substance), is watching you form friendships with other individuals. Gianna, Stephanie, even Jerad, whom you interact with throughout the week. and i understand that Gianna & Steph are... well, female. but you know how insignificant that boundary is to me. i respect the inherent differences between male-male and male-female friendships, but you and i approach them so differently (now). maybe if you had never let me so close to you, i wouldn't be having such a hard time with the distance now. who knows.

full disclosure: even though a lot of the interaction you have with Jerad revolves around ministry work, practical stuff, et cetera, i'm still jealous of that. i would love to have that. working together can be a substantial investment in a friendship. i miss that. i would be nourished by it. but watching it occur from a distance, between two individuals who don't have much time for friendship with me, and with whom i have been very close in the past? it isn't healthy, no matter the amount of good intentions on their end[s]. at best it's painful. at worst it feeds my bitterness. i feel as though everything i put into these friendships is falling apart. so, being around the two of you, but not with you, is actually terrible for me. it goes even further than that: if you're around Jerad when i am, i feel less inclined to interact with him, because his closer friend is present. (i know it isn't a competition; this isn't junior high. but there are some valid social dynamics at work that hinder me.)

similarly: talking about good things that we want to happen in the future is not enough for me to have a friendship with someone. this applies really well to Jerad. we have so many good things that are technically available to us to enjoy, yet it comes down once again to my most important love language: quality time. i don't just prefer it. i need it. my friendships will atrophy without it. when i do have it, every thing else falls into its respective place of value: all the inside jokes, common interests, etc. but without it i can't function in a friendship. so despite the superlative quality and potential that my friendship with him has, i have to accept the reality of things: that he may soon be taking on some very demanding responsibilities, and that these will likely leave him with even less time for me than he has currently.



these are the decisions i have to make, and my explanations for making them. i welcome your questions; i'll even take them in writing (or typing). or on the phone, despite how much i normally dislike phone calls.

what i will not welcome any longer, is all the trappings of friendship, without the substance of it. outside of a friendship that's sustained by quality time, i don't want any casual texts. i don't want any casual interactions. at best they're empty; in this case they're painful, like... ghost pains in an amputated limb. people pay $$, to go through therapy, to eliminate those. i'm doing away with them. to be extra clear: i would withstand any amount of pain in defense of an actual, current friendship. but to go through that for something that hasn't existed for months is foolishness.

our friendship has been doing the zombie walk. i won't support that any longer. i would be glad to resurrect it, given the opportunity. i would be literally overjoyed. please believe that.



since high-school i've campaigned for a narrow definition of the verb 'love.' acts of sacrifice, and the giving of intangible resources have become my favourite ways to express it. and i recognize myriad other modes of expression. but one of the ways people often use it, seems to indicate fondness or affection. it's that definition that's becoming the norm for me with each of you, and, ironically, our increasing lack of closeness will make it easier for me to think of you fondly.

worded more simply: most of the time, when someone says "i love you" what they really mean is "you matter to me in my heart." this feels a little bit silly to me, because what difference is that supposed to make in my life?

i know both of you have made many, many sacrifices for me. you've both expressed your care for me in very tangible ways, in the past. i treasure those memories. most of my favourite ones consisted of mutual care and enjoyment of life. those experiences made our friendship very well-nourished; some of the best-nourished of my life, in fact. ...but they are in the past.

and this is me, accepting that. now i'll be able to listen to the Weepies and the Honey Trees without getting upset. i'll actually enjoy some of my favorite artists again! even Nickel Creek has been somewhat of an emotional battle each time i played them. i'll play them more often now, without any of those dark feelings that should never have obscured them. i tell you this because i want you to know that this decision is good for me in many ways. it may seem a small thing, for me to be able to freely enjoy certain musicks, but for me it's big, and represents something even bigger: health.

for everything you've given to me, including but not limited to health, i am endlessly grateful. i would enjoy regular opportunities to love you and to be loved, to enjoy and to be enjoyed. but for now i'll start learning how to be content with simply valuing what we shared.

thank you over and over, and again after that.

100% down

when you sang "Breathe" last night, at the high end of your range, i almost made the same noise you made when you drank my tea Sunday night. i had the right to remain silent. i told you that you looked like summer, but what i wanted to say was that you looked like an angeleec vision. i was so overwhelmed (and have been for days) that i stayed another hour after you left last night, to vent to Jerad. we talked about the possibility of you & i. and now that i've phrased it that way, now that i've told him what i intend to do about you, i find it more real than before. it feels freeing.

dtr iii

i just finished another long conversation with you. this was one of the most satisfying, because you came out from behind your walls and veils, and, ironically (since you were speaking of your fears of intimacy), it actually granted us some intimacy. 

when it comes to my romantic heart, nothing satisfies me more than intimacy with you. which i know is a huge problem. but that knowledge didn't stop me from enjoying you. my whole being shivered at finally reaching out and touching your genuine thoughts, bared despite your fear.

i know we're both deciding not to date; me deciding not to date at all, and you deciding not to date me. but really, is that necessary? james says it's not a huge deal if we *plan* to date in the future, and enjoy each other's company in the meantime. somewhat cautiously. well... responsibly, anyway. but also somewhat freely. willingly. emotionally. vulnerably. intensely. HEY I'M WRITING THIS POST GO AWAY

*ahem* sooo yes. i'm actually crossing my fingers that all this junk in the way (commitments to self, mature adult decisions, instructions from God) will dissipate like Pismo's morning clouds, so that we can move on to the next thing for us. (that would be "us" of course.)

i love you so much. i will rejoice in nothing less than the best for you.

also, i'm in love with you so much. i can't stop thinking semi-rational thoughts about how everything you are is what i desire.

so, status quo. FML.

Father, please give me what i want. or if not, then direct me in some other pursuit, and help me see & find in that Your good, pleasing, and perfect will. amen

i need somebody; not just anybody

i don't really know what to say right now. i'm roiling with a hundred thoughts and feelings that i cannot identify or express; and even if i could, i'd feel boxed in, unable to share any of them with you.

what i know for sure is that i miss you in a very chaotic, frustrated, tremulous way right now, and i have no idea how i am going to deal with this. now, as before, you are too much for me to take in. i might burst at the seams.

help

dtr ii

this is hard for me. i hope you will be patient, and gracious. i sort of need you to be.

the night before you left Fresno for your Fall '12 semester, we talked outside the Abbott's neighborhood. i vomited all over the place emotionally; i don't remember most of what i said. but i do remember explaining to you that my desire for friendship with you (not just the metaphysical bond, but the content, the activity) has increased since we first met. y = 1/2x, or something, if you don't mind a little algebra.

that has continued to be true, and i really have no idea how to make it level off. the truth is that that plane that should have landed in Platonia actually left Earth's atmosphere some time ago.

and i am sorry. i have done what i know to do, everything short of moving to a different city and cutting off all communication. i've written over a hundred posts about it, talked with the Mendels for hours and hours (mostly Jerad), didn't speak with you for two weeks... at the beginning (last fall), i even tried removing myself from worship team activities. that actually backfired and made things worse.

i've tried rationalizing it by explaining to myself that i've been emotionally compromised. i've tried redefining my relational categories. i've tried reinvesting even more in the lives of other people, including guys. i've tried shaming myself. i've tried denial (hoping it would 'take' or something and allow me to change my thought patterns on a more subconscious level).

i really can't, though. everything i try either fails or makes it worse. the truth is that, as far as i can tell, i won't ever be satisfied with the amount of closeness we have. maybe something will change in the future, but if so, i have no way of predicting or controlling it. spending time with you makes me want more. not spending time with you makes me want more.

~     ~     ~

i was talking to a guy friend a few months ago about relationships. he was frustrated that his attempts to reach out to people for platonic closeness were not being reciprocated. he wondered if he could come up with some strategy to inspire people to respond to him with more enthusiasm.

i basically told him this: "anonymous friend, there is something very awkward about two people who want two different things out of a relationship. if one person's up here and the other person's down here, they might even want the same thing, but in differing amounts... and that's not going to work out well for them, if they want a good friendship. at best, the one who wants more will have to constantly struggle to contain that, while the other strives to be patient and not uncomfortable. which is very difficult."

our situation (as i see it) is actually much worse than that. if left to my own motivations, with no hindrances, i would simply spend as much time with you as my personal health allowed... and because of the nature of my feelings, the content of the time spent together would not remain strictly platonic.

on top of that, your desire for friendship with me has occasionally been challenged in the past (if i have understood you correctly) by a somewhat compromising motivation toward something other than platonic friendship. i can say that better: you can't always be certain that what you want for us isn't romantic. and, the romantic desire is neither easily controlled nor entirely healthfully motivated.

on top of that i'm still married until may 18th, but that seems almost a peripheral matter, as you & i currently have no plans to cease being friends any time soon.

that's what i want to talk about.

~     ~     ~

i don't know how to stop being completely in love with everything you are, head to toe, from your flaws to your virtues. our mutual intense care, and our strong friendship, have provided a foundation for this... new something, on my side. it won't let go, and it's causing me problems.

"what problems?"

all, effing, sorts. first of all, i've apparently begun speaking without thinking. i'm sure you can recall a few awkward moments; i'd rather not recall them, let alone describe them here. i've also gone through phases where you were so stuck in my mind, that i forgot important things. three times i left my backpack (with wallet) in the office when driving out of town for an inspection. three or four times i locked my keys in my car because i had just been texting you or thinking about you. when we do get to hang out, i almost and/or actually cry just because i'm so happy to be near you.

i could go on. mostly i've moved on from the worst of it, but that's partly because you're at school.

anyway. i don't really see many options. i can't stand the idea of you having to endure my strong feelings / desires; i can't stand the thought of you having to manage that in our friendship. i don't see any reason why you would want to or need to. i feel like i have to keep my distance from you or else the way you draw me will override whatever decisions i try to make and pull me past the boundaries of your comfort zone. not that i would ever harm or disrespect you, but it's possible to make you uncomfortable with just a few hasty words; it doesn't take recklessness. it just takes me being honest and open, for crying out loud. and since when was it a good idea for me not to be honest & open?!

well, since now, i guess. i am still not sure whether i want you to read what i've written to you over the past 6 months or so. the best i can say for it is that it will certainly be overhwelming to you in some way. okay i lied: i really want you to read everything i wrote. that's kind of the point i'm trying to make: i am obviously not 100% in control of what i reveal to you about my heart. and that is a problem.

the thing that would make a huge difference in all of this is some kind of clear, strong directive from you. an injunction, even. "isaiah, if you really can't put this to death, then lock it up in the dungeon and let me be oblivious to it."

i could do that. we would have to really cut back, of course; i don't think our parables music project would be an option for me, anymore. music itself is so intimate, for me, and music with you is intoxicating. i'd end up with my heart on my sleeve. or forehead. or throwing it at your face.

worship team would be a possibility, but i'd have to avoid duets and standing next to you.

being close to your family is another thing i'd have to give up. i mean we're not close friends but i hang with Paige sometimes, and i try to make Halle smile, and i bring your parents pie. that would all have to go.

basically we'd be acquaintances. at this point, i don't see any other options.

we should talk. you said you wanted a little control, if you had to give me up. some say in the process. let's talk about that. when you're free.

oh one more quick thing: i need you to understand that anything i've done out of care for you, has really been out of care for you, not out of romance. i am confident in who i am and why i do things. i loved you long before i fell in love with you, and haven't stopped yet.

yeah... i love you. ......and also i'm in love with you, and i'm genuinely, truly sorry about that. eff me. i don't know that i could have prevented it, but i certainly would have tried, if i'd seen it coming. anyway... yeah. let's talk. i'm sorry. thanks for reading, as always. if this ends the way i have been expecting it to, then... thank so you much for everything you have done and been, for everything you've shared with me. it leaves me speechless. thank you. i don't think i will ever meet or even hear tell of anyone as beautiful and enjoyable and wonderful as you have been to me.

:(

i can't stop missing you more and more.

prayer

loving Father

Your kindness and grace have drawn us to You, and we thank You for it. we praise You for Your justice & mercy, Your strength and gentleness, Your discipline & compassion. we acknowledge Your ownership of all things, including our very hearts.

i come to You confidently to ask for Holy Spirit's blessing on my precious sister Danica. she is strong and brave, but tired, and she has many battles left to fight. i ask for You to help her fight them. Spirit, i ask You to include Yourself in her routines and her habits (good and bad). i beg You to interpose Yourself between her motivations and her actions, to search her heart and purify it for her every day, every hour, every moment.

i ask that the inevitable efficacy of Your Word prove itself in the arena of her life. fill her mind with Scripture, with encouragement from Your own mouth. fill her ears with the kind words of trusted friends. fill her heart with confidence that Your fierce devotion to her will never cease. gift her with unexpected blessings from the rest of the body. lead her into places & moments of true quiet, where she can hear Your voice and whisper back, knowing You will listen and even act on her behalf.

please remind her of everything You have already done. please remind her of how important she is to You, and to others. please remind her of Your desire to bring her fully to life, and of Your ability to do so. please convince her that she is not the sum of her choices, not bound by her mistakes or sins, not destined for anything other than perfection. please convince her of her beauty as Your image, as Your creation, as Your redeemed one.

i ask also that You provide for her relational needs, in every way, in Your perfect timing, so that she lacks nothing and has You to thank for everything.

we will credit You with each victory and submit to You each defeat, that You may use it for Your plan, for our good, for Your glory. we will praise Your name no matter how our fallenness weighs on us, tortures us, hinders us. we want to worship You in every circumstance. we will give to You our anger, frustration, desperation, bitterness, weakness, envy, self-loathing, loneliness, and sadness, trusting that You are faithful to care for us no matter where we are or what we are feeling.

thank You for loving us over and over again, without faltering, without growing weary of us.

i pray in Your son's all-powerful name, by which we are saved.

~     ~     ~

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you, wherever He may send you. May He guide you through the wilderness, protect you through the storm. May He bring you home rejoicing at the wonders He has shown you.
May He bring you home rejoicing once again into our doors.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

amen

HOME

this is unfinished. it'll prolly stay that way (apropos).

wipe the sun from my eyes
bid farewell to the light
slip through the gate
into shadows of oak and pine

home is a strange word
it writhes and it coincides
with places I might never find

but if I get there
if I get there
will you be there to welcome me
or will fate twist and turn the tide

home is a dancer, staying
two steps ahead of me and my
two left feet
home is a feather on the wind
it spins a tale that I
believed I could write myself into
I believed I could share a space on the pages with you

but if I get there
if I get there
who will be there to welcome me?
will fate stand between us
and draw us, or leave us?

plans

tonight i spoke with Jerad again about disclosure. he seems to finally be warming up to it.

on the our-friendship front, though, things are just getting weirder and more distant, i feel. i am almost not sorry for going snerberderng without you; but maybe it was actually an accidentally helpful move on my part.

i feel you drifting away. i am sort of beginning to truly accept that.

that said... i miss you and love you so much. i'm so sorry and so grateful. i'm so wishful and not very hopeful. i am praying God leads me down paths that are best for you and for His plans.

i miss you and love you so much again. all the time. i mostly don't care to break that down anymore. it's breaking me down to live this way so eff it.

i miss and love you.

wisdom

apparently there is a possibility that i am using the pleasure i get from our friendship, to mask the pain of my loss.

i am skeptical. but i must investigate. where is that book i requested? :)

NYE

2013, and i'm still in love. might as well be 2012... except that you spent time with me, JUST me. and hugged me! without me asking!!!!

so it's a good year. except that i'm still in love with you.

fuck.

fire

nope. i checked. i'm still fallen for you.

the difference is that the dream of fulfillment is dying. the emotions that fueled the irrational fantasy are running out. so what's left now is sort of like that guy from Greek mythology, the one who stole fire from the gods.

he burned pretty brightly for awhile, toured around and stuff. but later on he got caught and then chained to a rock, where birds came and ate his innards every day and he was reborn each morning to be eaten alive again and again.

being morbid and pseudo-historical with my metaphors is a really classy way of throwing a pity-party. but it's also important (in this case) to be real and track the progress of this strange, one-of-a-kind animal.

#geotagged #research #fml

taking in the ocean

there is a small possibility that the beach underneath my love for you is eroding.

...finally

some biases are okay with me

you're totes perf.

sacrifices

i think, even though it would certainly affect our relationship negatively, i would give up my sense of hearing to be with you.

the [really] long answer

"i just want to know what you want to tell me"

no. you don't.

ghosts

many things haunt me. mistakes i have made, sins i have committed. acts and sins committed against me. i am aware of many scars, and will ever be, though the pain from most of them has faded away.

your impression upon me is one of the few ghosts that will hurt in a good way. the beauty of your harmony will remain sharp enough to cut me for a very long time... a song i wrote but never sang.

if i ever again experience a beauty comparable to yours, i will sell all i have to buy the field in which i find it.

spotify

as i shuffle through my playlist[s], i come to the stunning realization that it feels like i'm breaking up with someone.

this is just one of the many areas of my life that you've shaped and formed... just one of the many ways you have shaped me. sharing music might be a casual thing for some, but when someone gives me an artist or even a single track that moves me, that person is leaving a permanent fingerprint on my mind and heart. it's like smell is for most people: an instant connection that can take me years into the past, to the same feeling i felt then (the same both in quality and in quantity).

so alexi murdoch, the jennys, even nickel creek (which i knew of before you, but formed a new connection with through you)-- they all draw me back to you, as i'm trying to walk away from you.

so now i am angry, because i can't even listen to my favorite music without feeling like a part of me is being ripped away.

FML

most likely this post will contain nothing productive or constructive. i just need to vent. i really hope it isn't just the lack of inhibitions due to alcohol...

i am convinced you have no idea what it's like. i am convinced that even at 17, with Randy giving you romantic mix CDs after a week of knowing you, you cannot possibly know what this is like. we have an established friendship. it's strong, and a good one. for you perhaps it's just a blessing for which you are thankful... but for me, it's fertile soil.

my ex-friend Ecclesia once entrusted me with her feelings about romance and how it works / wasn't working for her. she was frustrated because, in her search for a romance worth investing in long-term, she was discovering that in order to really know whether someone was worth that investment, she'd have to invest in them first. a troubling catch-22, and often the basis for the [imho] irrational reasoning that the only way to know whether someone was marriage material was to live with them first.

well, honestly, i sort of understand. there are things you cannot know about a person unless you intertwine your life with theirs, to that degree.

but this is what i told Clesi: "in the backyard of your life, you have a garden, full of relationships of differing types. some are watermelons; others are shade trees. what you seek is a pumpkin plant. the thing is, you can't always tell which plants are which when they have just recently sprouted.

"you need to give them time to grow. treat every plant like a friendship; invest in it carefully and slowly, and have no expectations. as each plant grows, it will very gradually reveal its potential to bear this or that fruit.

"you must give every plant the time it needs. do not plan to harvest pumpkins until you see before you a full, round, ripe pumpkin."

translation: let relationships develop as they will. do not force upon them your expectations, or even your hopes; rather, invest in them just as they request, and if they are designed to yield romance, they will do so in their own good time.

i understand that this is not the case on your side of things. i understand that i am just some random guy who happened to tell you he loves you (and meant it). i understand that this is a dangerous thing to say, something orders of magnitude beyond a Taylor Swift song. i understand that i have backed up my words with actions, and that this is a potent mixture. ironically, i believe it is my calling.

i understand that you may simply be responding out of vulnerability and damage.

that does not change what i experience on my side.

i have never been so strongly drawn to anyone. no one has ever survived my rigorous analysis as you have. i cannot stop thinking about you. i'm literally going crazy. i have to alter my daily routines just to deal with the affection i feel for you!!!!

fuck me. fuck my life. if i ever have another opportunity to be as happy with anyone else, i will permanently be the most fortunate man ever to have lived and loved.

goodnight friend. i love you.

day two

the distance is killer.

i endure it by writing poetry and planning future conversations. every once in awhile i become aware that i prolly need to be processing my marriage... and so i do that for about three or four minutes. then i run from the pain by going back to my sweet daydreams.

i am too exhausted and stressed to finish this post...

i miss you. i may be foolishly, unhealthfully in love, but that doesn't negate the friendship we had, or have, or whatever. pseudo almost romance.

i'm sorry i ruined things