broken record record record

i have nothing new to say. i crave you and hope that i can tell you that someday. but i don't expect anything good to come of it, except my own relief.

angeleec post

i received your note tonight. if you don't know what it's like to have a friendship so bright and warm that it can keep the darkest coldest night at bay, then you should ask me sometime.

i'm being metaphorical but not exaggerating. these life circumstances form a whirlpool that seems inescapable; i've never been so in danger of truly despairing. you pull me out of the ocean, even if only for a few minutes, and give me breath instead of brine.

just like music.

blech

i'm tired of re-reading these posts. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of dwelling on things in stasis. i'm tired of being uncertain. i'm tired of all of this.

i just want to get it over with, even if that means some dreary existence as nothing more than somebody that you used to know.

rationalypoos

things i know, and need the hypothetical you to know that i know:

• if the inevitable occurs (see what i did there?) and you turn me down, i will be okay. in fact i'll be greatly blessed [in totally different ways] because that's how God rolls in my life, and He will continue directing that life toward Good, as He always has done and has planned to do.
   
• my thoughts & feelings about you are somewhat morphed, or tinted, or both or something, because of the surrounding circumstances. (unfortunately i cannot say exactly how, especially from within. but it's still important for me to know it.)
  
• my care for you is distinct and [even now] mostly separate from my romantic inclinations. i spoke of this in an earlier post but i need to say it with clarity here: were someone to rob me of my capability for romance entirely, i would still love you. storge?
  
• my continuing contributions to this post are only partly a way of managing my inner tumult. they are also the sweetest daydream i've known, and my enjoyment of them makes me partially... hedonistic? not sure how harsh i should be on myself, especially in light of how most other people i know would handle something like this. but i must confess it.

PQ

can i ask you a personal question?

the answer is no, i can't, because there's no safe way to do so; not the question i was going to ask you anyway. typical for me in this chapter, i didn't think it through. when do i ever think things through before saying them to you? only immediately after i realize i just said something to you without thinking it through, and then i emotionally over-react and retreat. rinse, repeat.

you know what though, i'm not even sure i could've asked it if everything were totally safe, because as i try to analyze the question itself, it just falls apart. what does that even mean?! i was going to ask you something about how much i should worry when you post things about --

oh. now i remember. talking to you scrambled my brain but now we're not texting so i can think again.

thanks Hypo. 'preciate ya!  :P

p.s. i hate you because i wish you didn't have to exist.

love/hate

thanks for talking to me about all your serious crushes, and how other guys have made you feel desirable.

i can't decide whether tonight's conversation helped me more or hurt me more. you showed deep and thoughtful appreciation for me, allowed me to do something meaningful (and intimate-ish) for you, shared some of your dreams, indulged my questions about your perspective of me, trusted me, valued me.

and you talked to me about your romantic life and hopes and experiences.

okay so i don't hate you. but i'm hurt a lot so i'll use the "h" word if i want.

i say this over and over, but i have to vent it again: there must be thousands upon thousands of words i have not shared with you, that are lost to the ether (they're not even on this blog). many of them i think you would have cherished... ITWD.

eff my life. but it's superbly blessed of God. but eff anyway.