HOME

this is unfinished. it'll prolly stay that way (apropos).

wipe the sun from my eyes
bid farewell to the light
slip through the gate
into shadows of oak and pine

home is a strange word
it writhes and it coincides
with places I might never find

but if I get there
if I get there
will you be there to welcome me
or will fate twist and turn the tide

home is a dancer, staying
two steps ahead of me and my
two left feet
home is a feather on the wind
it spins a tale that I
believed I could write myself into
I believed I could share a space on the pages with you

but if I get there
if I get there
who will be there to welcome me?
will fate stand between us
and draw us, or leave us?

plans

tonight i spoke with Jerad again about disclosure. he seems to finally be warming up to it.

on the our-friendship front, though, things are just getting weirder and more distant, i feel. i am almost not sorry for going snerberderng without you; but maybe it was actually an accidentally helpful move on my part.

i feel you drifting away. i am sort of beginning to truly accept that.

that said... i miss you and love you so much. i'm so sorry and so grateful. i'm so wishful and not very hopeful. i am praying God leads me down paths that are best for you and for His plans.

i miss you and love you so much again. all the time. i mostly don't care to break that down anymore. it's breaking me down to live this way so eff it.

i miss and love you.

wisdom

apparently there is a possibility that i am using the pleasure i get from our friendship, to mask the pain of my loss.

i am skeptical. but i must investigate. where is that book i requested? :)

NYE

2013, and i'm still in love. might as well be 2012... except that you spent time with me, JUST me. and hugged me! without me asking!!!!

so it's a good year. except that i'm still in love with you.

fuck.