100% down

when you sang "Breathe" last night, at the high end of your range, i almost made the same noise you made when you drank my tea Sunday night. i had the right to remain silent. i told you that you looked like summer, but what i wanted to say was that you looked like an angeleec vision. i was so overwhelmed (and have been for days) that i stayed another hour after you left last night, to vent to Jerad. we talked about the possibility of you & i. and now that i've phrased it that way, now that i've told him what i intend to do about you, i find it more real than before. it feels freeing.

dtr iii

i just finished another long conversation with you. this was one of the most satisfying, because you came out from behind your walls and veils, and, ironically (since you were speaking of your fears of intimacy), it actually granted us some intimacy. 

when it comes to my romantic heart, nothing satisfies me more than intimacy with you. which i know is a huge problem. but that knowledge didn't stop me from enjoying you. my whole being shivered at finally reaching out and touching your genuine thoughts, bared despite your fear.

i know we're both deciding not to date; me deciding not to date at all, and you deciding not to date me. but really, is that necessary? james says it's not a huge deal if we *plan* to date in the future, and enjoy each other's company in the meantime. somewhat cautiously. well... responsibly, anyway. but also somewhat freely. willingly. emotionally. vulnerably. intensely. HEY I'M WRITING THIS POST GO AWAY

*ahem* sooo yes. i'm actually crossing my fingers that all this junk in the way (commitments to self, mature adult decisions, instructions from God) will dissipate like Pismo's morning clouds, so that we can move on to the next thing for us. (that would be "us" of course.)

i love you so much. i will rejoice in nothing less than the best for you.

also, i'm in love with you so much. i can't stop thinking semi-rational thoughts about how everything you are is what i desire.

so, status quo. FML.

Father, please give me what i want. or if not, then direct me in some other pursuit, and help me see & find in that Your good, pleasing, and perfect will. amen